A Hard Lesson Learned from My Husband's Death

(Minghui.org) It happened on the morning of September 17, 2012. I had only just finished sending forth righteous thoughts after 6 a.m. when my husband, who also practiced Falun Gong, suddenly collapsed and lost consciousness. Fellow practitioners came to my house and took turns sending forth righteous thoughts for him, but he never woke up. He stopped breathing after 21 hours.

It was a complete shock. My mind turned blank.

I was shocked when I saw his ashes were black as coal. At first, I thought it had to do with the four years he spent in prison [for practicing Falun Gong]. Moreover, I, as his wife, had failed to pay attention to him or help with his cultivation. That was why the old forces were able to exploit the loopholes in his cultivation. With the deepest regret, I am writing this article in the hope of cautioning fellow practitioners not to repeat the mistakes I made.

It might seem unexpected, but I should have seen it coming. After all, I knew there was something different about him when he was released in May 2010. He was different. Even when he was with friends, he did not laugh or joke like before. He always seemed listless. He would fall asleep easily when he sat on the sofa. On the other hand, he seemed to study the Fa, practice Falun Gong exercises, send forth righteous thoughts and do chores normally like before. He actually was quite diligent in studying the Fa, memorizing the Fa, and practicing Falun Gong exercises. He also took over most of the hard chores at home. That was why I thought everything was fine.

One day when he turned around in the kitchen, his knees suddenly went weak. He would have fallen on his knees hard if he had not grabbed the door for support. I also grabbed him in time. But in my heart I knew it was Teacher that had protected him from harm.

When I asked him what was wrong, he said his legs suddenly felt weak. He said he was fine after a while. Again I didn't think much about it. But more and more of such incidents followed. When he tried to move to a different spot in bed, he seemed to have difficulty getting up. He was slow getting on a bicycle. He had difficulty steering when he rode a bicycle, especially when speeding up. His memory was deteriorating very quickly. He would forget which lecture he had just studied in just 30 minutes. He could not even remember what he had for lunch, shortly after lunch. He had worked his whole life as a mason, but he could not remember how to build a simple brick oven. He had about 3 dozen bright red moles on his back, but they turned very black about two weeks before he passed away. He also had a red mole over his heart. It did not turn black, but it had turned dark red. I found it quite curious, but still didn't think much about it. It was not until I saw the black ashes that I remembered his moles. I wondered if he had been poisoned in prison.

As his wife and fellow practitioner, I had the responsibility to help him, take good care of him, and help him with his cultivation. But I didn't help him at all. In fact, I hardly stayed at home except the time for our group Fa study. I came home late at night. When I was at home, I had to spend time with my 90-year-old mother, who was riddled with illness. Sometimes when I squeezed time to study the Fa, send forth righteous thoughts and exchange cultivation insights with my husband, his condition would improve a little. Otherwise, he would become listless again.

This lasted for several months. His condition continued to deteriorate. In the end he would only study the Fa during group Fa study. He didn't want to practice Falun Gong exercises even when I invited him to practice together. He couldn't even answer which exercise he was practicing. When I was not at home, he would hang out with non-practitioners in the neighborhood or sleep at home. In the evenings he would go to a nearby night market and watch street dancers or listen to street singing praising the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). Every time I found him hanging out in the night market, I told him that's not a place for us cultivators. Sometimes he would admit it was wrong and promised me he would stop, but he would forget about his promise quickly. Sometimes he would fuss like a child, "Where should I go? It is boring to stay at home." I didn't know what to do. I was not sure if his main consciousness was weak and the bad elements from other dimensions had taken control, if the old forces were exploiting upon his loopholes in his cultivation, or if the prison had done something to damage his health. Anyway, he was not behaving like a cultivator at all. Sometimes he was worse than a person that has never cultivated.

I did not know what to do.

I was losing faith in him. His condition brought out the worst side of me. I tried to control him. When he did not heed my advice or did something wrong, I would nag and yell at him. One day I was so mad that I even slapped him twice on the face. After I calmed down, I asked if it still hurt and if he was mad at me. But he did not remember I had slapped him! He said he didn't believe I would slap him! When I told him I really had slapped him, he smiled at me and said, "My old lady. So heartless."

I burst into tears. How could I be so heartless? I am a cultivator, yet I didn't have the fundamental level of kindness or compassion. What kind of cultivator was I? Wasn't I standing along side the evil beings to assist in their evil deeds? I feel as though my heart was stabbed when I think about it. I regret immensely what I had done. My heart aches and I blame myself. I often wish it was all but a dream. After all, I often learn lessons from my dreams. If this were a dream, I would have an opportunity to make things right. But this is impossible. It is just wishful thinking.

I have learned from the Fa that nothing happens coincidentally. No interference is a coincidence. Interferences are not small matters. My husband started practicing Falun Gong at the end of 2004. He had practiced for a little more than a year before he was sentenced to four years in prison. He had not studied the Fa or cultivated for a long time before prison. He just knew Falun Gong is good at an emotional level. He approved of Falun Gong. He believed in Falun Gong. He was very interested in practicing Falun Gong, but he lacked genuine understanding of the Fa at the rational level. He didn't know much about the essence of cultivation, about seeking inward, or about eliminating his attachments before he was sent to prison. He didn't even understand what the old forces were. He was no longer himself after he was released. That was the reason why he made very slow progress in his cultivation. He did not know what hit him when the old forces exploited his loopholes, let alone sending forth righteous thoughts to deny their interference. He was just trying to tough up as an ordinary person.

As his wife and fellow practitioner, I should have been the person with the best conditions to help him, yet I didn't help him. Instead, I seemed to make it worse for him. When I paid attention to him, it was all negative attention. I did not help him improve his understanding on the Fa or his righteous thoughts. I did not help him reinforce his righteous thoughts. I was impatient. I told him what to do. I was pleased when he got better. I nagged, criticized, or threw temper tantrums when he got worse. I, too, was walking on the path the old forces had arranged.

It was a hard lesson, but I have now become more clear-minded. I have finally realized how solemn cultivation is. I also saw what my cultivation condition was really like. I didn't genuinely cultivate myself. I was acting like an ordinary person towards my husband. I didn't manifest the power of the Fa at a pivotal moment. Instead, I manifested a lot of my attachments, emotions, and demon nature. I had let Teacher down and let sentient beings down.

I had learned my lessons the hardest way. There is no opportunity to start over. Yet there are so many fellow practitioners facing tribulations that need our help. Those fellow practitioners who have recently been released from prison especially need our attention and help. I am writing this article so that fellow practitioners will learn from my lesson, overcome the old forces' arrangements, and truly reach the goal of validating the Fa and saving sentient beings.

Please kindly point out anything inappropriate in my humble insights.