Searching Inward and Purging My Attachment to Jealousy

(Minghui.org)

Greetings, revered Teacher.

Greetings, fellow Falun Gong practitioners around the world.

First, I would like to wish Teacher a Happy Birthday from the bottom of my heart. I would also like to thank Falun Gong for lighting up my life.

It has been a decade since I officially started practicing Falun Gong, after participating in a World Falun Dafa Day parade ten years ago.

Coming Across Falun Gong

I lost my husband in a car accident in 1995 when I was in my 20's. We had known each other for three years. I was overwhelmed with despair. My life was turned upside down. Even with health and wealth, one may face an unpredictable death. I did not have wealth—which was most important to me—nor did I have family, a car, or status. People are unable to predict their future in life. But what is life? Where do we go when we die? I started searching for answers in libraries after my husband's death.

A friend of mine gave me a copy of Zhuan Falun in 1999. I immediately sensed it was not an ordinary book. It encompasses and surpasses all religions and philosophy, as well as archeology, physics, and history. One day, while I was reading Zhuan Falun, I realized that I had found the answer to all my questions in this book, answers that I had not been able to find from ancient and modern theories and philosophy. Since that day I stopped spending time in the library. Instead, I studied Zhuan Falun and Teacher's articles.

I cut off social contact for a while concentrating on studying Zhuan Falun. In other words, I was practicing Falun Gong alone. Finally I had an opportunity to meet other Falun Gong practitioners in Japan in 2002, and managed to learn the Falun Gong exercises. I may have studied Zhuan Falun repeatedly, yet I did not have a deep understanding of the meaning of cultivation practice. It did not seem important to me to do the exercises. In fact, I had been skipping the second exercise, Holding the Wheel, when I practiced the exercises.

One day I finally tried to practice the second exercise. I completed it—although I felt ill afterward and my arms and legs felt like lead. As soon as I finished the exercise, I lay down in bed and rested my aching body. The next day I felt cold and had a fever. I laid down again and took a nap. When I woke up, I was soaked in sweat. While I was putting on a fresh change of clothes, I was shocked to find blisters like measles covering my legs. They didn't itch or cause pain, but I felt a general sporadic pain as though I had a flu. My worried family urged me to go to a hospital, yet I felt very relaxed. I knew from studying Teacher's articles that Teacher was cleansing my body. I felt very comfortable and relaxed after three days although I hardly had any appetite. After that, I resolved to practice Falun Gong.

A Simple Cultivation Practice System

Looking back at the past ten years of cultivation, I realized I have experienced a lot of things. I have studied Teacher's Zhuan Falun and articles numerous times. Each time I developed a new understanding. Teacher always gave me hints, guidance, and encouragement at each level of my cultivation. I have learned in the past 10 years that one's cultivation may be challenging, yet the cultivation system is very simple because Teacher has rearranged our respective paths so that we may cultivate. The path Teacher has arranged is a process in which our body and mind are purified continuously as we purge our various attachments and tainted mind, rising to the next level of cultivation. In addition, Teacher has broken down our karma and placed chunks of it at each level of cultivation so that it becomes obstacles for us to enlighten to the Fa and to prevail through challenges. The obstacles of various scales in the past ten years have forged me and enabled my growth.

Something significant has happened to me after I started starting practicing Falun Gong. I met my future husband when I joined the parade to celebrate World Falun Dafa Day in 2002. We got married in 2004. He is a divorced Chinese man without any children. He divorced his Chinese wife because they fought endlessly. They had already divorced when my husband and I met each other.

After we got married, one day I found that my husband had been secretly meeting his ex-wife. It was a shock to me. Overwhelmed with rage, I began to interrogate my husband, but he insisted that he did not have any immoral relationship.

I started to spy on my husband. I constantly checked on his whereabouts and even read his text messages and emails. I was consumed with jealousy. I was not behaving like a cultivator at all. I learned from their correspondences that his ex-wife missed him after the divorce. Did this mean the divorce was not based on a mutual agreement? Why was my husband meeting his ex-wife behind my back? I could not comprehend this at all. These thoughts drove me mad. Afterwards I was suspicious of my husband every time he went out or talked on the phone. I even threw temper tantrums. But he just would not stop seeing her. I had already given birth to a child, yet he continued to meet his ex-wife. I was very troubled for some time.

I began to study "Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference in Australia" (May 1999) during this period of time. Teacher said,

"When many of you, my students, have run into conflicts and become angry, did you think about the fact that your anger was directed at everyday people? Think about it: Buddhas and Gods—those magnificent enlightened beings—would they get angry with humans? Absolutely not. That’s because they are not at the level of humans and don’t have emotion (qing) as do everyday people. How could they position themselves among everyday people? When you deal with conflicts the same way as everyday people, you are then at the same level, or in the same realm, as everyday people. That is to say, you are one of the everyday people. Only when you are not like them are you not one of them. Of course then, what you will display will be tolerance and an immense capacity to forgive. Everyday people will see it this way, but in fact it is the manifestation of your xinxing level in cultivation. So, regardless of the setting or circumstances in which you run into problems, you must maintain a compassionate and merciful heart in handling everything. If you cannot love your enemy, then you cannot reach Consummation. (Applause) Then why is it that when an ordinary person angers you, you cannot forgive him?! And instead you argue and fight with him like an everyday person? Doesn’t this also hold true for the interactions among practitioners?"

I was very touched by Teacher's words, "If you cannot love your enemy, then you cannot reach Consummation," because I saw my husband's ex-wife as my enemy. Yet she does not practice Falun Gong and I do. If I cannot love her, then I am not a cultivator. I must see this issue from the perspective of her and my husband.

I started to put myself in her and my husband's shoes. She came to live in Japan with her husband. They were divorced because they could not stop fighting. According to my husband and his family, she is very fierce and has few friends. She does not have a stable career and her family is far away in China, unavailable for contact. What a sad situation she must find herself in.

After I evaluated the situation as a cultivator, I decided not to question my husband or complain about their meetings because she is all alone without anyone to help her. As a wife, I should trust that my husband is only trying to help her. Meanwhile, I decided to purge my attachment to jealousy completely.

My attitude changed completely. I no longer question my husband when he goes out to meet her. I have stopped reading his text messages or emails. My husband, however, began to talk to me about his ex-wife. Soon he told me that she had decided to find someone else. She found someone through a dating service and got married quickly. Everything ended well within only a few months after I detected and resolved to purge my attachment to jealousy. I heard that she has children with her new husband and they are very happily married.

There was something else that made me realize how profound cultivation is. Teacher said,

"[...] matter and mind are one thing." Teacher also said, "Once you upgrade your xinxing, your body will undergo a great change. Upon xinxing improvement, the matter in your body is guaranteed to transform." (Zhuan Falun)

After I gave birth, my skin became dry and itchy. I thought it was because I constantly woke up at night to calm my crying baby and thus lacked sleep and rest. But I realized it was karma created by my jealousy over my husband's ex-wife. When I finally detected the root cause, I felt very relaxed. The itch that had troubled me for over six months disappeared instantly. One week later my skin was restored to its former condition. Once I detected my attachment to jealousy and strove to purge it, Teacher removed the bad elements from my body. What would have happened if I had not been practicing Falun Gong? I think I would be fighting my husband endlessly because of my jealousy. I am very fierce and competitive—I might have even knocked on her door and fought with her.

Teacher requires us to search inward when we run into problems. As a cultivator, I must search inward constantly for the sake of my personal cultivation and assisting Teacher in His Fa-rectification. The path of cultivation is very narrow; sometimes I feel it is very difficult to trudge forward. Yet I know I shall prevail as long as I study the Fa well, search inward, and constantly purge tainted elements. When I face a problem, I know I have but two choices—I either choose selfishly or selflessly and altruistically. If I manage to study the Fa constantly, one day I shall be completely selfless and altruistic.

I would like to thank Teacher again. I promise to remain diligent in my cultivation and do the three things well so as to return to my true home with Teacher.