(Minghui.org) Based on recent events and sickness karma that I suffered some time ago, I have been reflecting on my motives for cultivation. I have identified two major points, which are as follows:
My Fundamental Attachments
I began practicing Falun Gong with the attachment of wanting to show off my increased gong. I actively learned the practice so that I could show it off to other qigong practitioners whom I had practiced with. After the persecution, I somewhat had an understanding about one's fundamental attachments after reading Teacher's lectures. The attachment of showing off stems from wanting to seek fame. I've always sought after reputation, and did things that benefited society to gain recognition from others. Since I was young, I had a strong desire for fame. Although on the surface I did not care for fame and kept a low profile, deep down I wanted people to recognize me. Whenever my reputation was at risk, I would rather give up self-interest to protect my reputation. When my friends and relatives said or did things that affected my reputation, I secretively rejected and even resented that person. I was not kind, and even when I was, it was conditional. I was not compassionate at all, and jealousy, hatred, and competitiveness followed me. When Teacher used other people's strong words to remind me, I didn't realize it, and worse yet, I tried to seek approval from other practitioners. I brought my attachment to reputation into my cultivation, and used the Fa as an excuse to make myself feel better. When I shared with practitioners, I often guided them. When I received approval from practitioners, my attachment to reputation grew, and I felt flattered. I was very nice to those who praised me or recognized me, and would even harm others for them.
Two years ago, I introduced someone to the practice. Because I had a desire to validate myself, I “guided” her with my understandings whenever she had conflicts. I interfered with the path Teacher arranged for her, so one can imagine the result. She later depended on me for everything, including conflicts she had at home. Consequently, her family had serious misunderstandings of practitioners. Initially she had a good impression of Dafa, but later she began having doubts about it. Because of my attachment to reputation, I wanted to seek recognition and approval from her family, thus creating demonic interference for practitioners. Fortunately, with other practitioners' help, she came back to Dafa and became very diligent. I realized that my attachments had created a lot of damage. Teacher said in “Cultivators’ Avoidances,”
“Those who are attached to their reputations practice an evil way, full of intention. Once they gain renown in this world, they are bound to say good but mean evil, thereby misleading the public and undermining the Fa.” (Essentials for Further Advancement)
The attachment to seeking reputation comes from selfishness. Because I was attached to self, I had an inflated ego and demonic interference from my own mind. Therefore, it's necessary to watch every thought and action. Once these thoughts surface, we should eliminate them.
I'd wanted to share my painful lesson with those who are in a similar situation. A cultivator must eliminate the desire for reputation to avoid making the same mistake.
Holding onto Human Notions and Not Letting Go of Attachments
Lust is one of the major reasons I have sickness karma. I realized a few years ago that the requirement of the Fa at my level was to completely let go of lust. However, I could not do it and continued to follow my human notions, even though I regretted it. For the last two years, I would suffer from sickness karma afterwards. My human notions affected me, and I used it as an excuse to look at the situation, instead of measuring myself against the standard of the Fa.
I have had strong desires ever since I was young. I was aware of things between a man and a woman at a young age. When I saw pretty girls, I would lower my head to avoid having eye contact with them. As I grew older, I was affected by all sorts of books, music, and images, and had many bad habits. Although I stopped looking at those things after I began to practice, I still couldn't help looking at pretty girls when I walked by them. I was not able to completely let go of my lustful desires. Consequently, I suffered from sickness karma. It's like what a practitioner mentioned in a sharing article, “If one hand is holding onto a human and the other one is holding onto a god, where do you think you will go?” Some time ago, whenever I had lustful thoughts, Teacher would enlighten me in my dreams. I would dream that I was in the restroom, and my body was filthy, or I was buying fish (Chinese word for “fish” rhymes with “lust”) with my wife. The clues were very obvious, but I didn't enlighten to them. There is not much time left for cultivation, and I'm still caught up in the illusions of the human world.
I suggest practitioners who are still suffering from sickness karma to look at their thoughts and actions. Have you clearly recognized your fundamental major attachments? Don't lie to yourself. You should be responsible to yourself and to your sentient beings.
Lastly, on May 13, I would like to wish Teacher a happy birthday and offer my congratulations of the 20-year anniversary of Dafa being spread around the world. I hope practitioners, including myself, can let go of our attachments and consummate, and that sentient beings will be saved by Dafa.
The above are my understandings. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate.
