(Clearwisdom.net) I have always been a very contented and happy person. Before practicing Falun Dafa, even if I had been by myself for a few months and hadn't talked to even a single person, I would still be happy. It never would have occurred to me that I might be attached to the fear of loneliness. Yet through sharing experiences with other practitioners, I recently discovered that I had a deeply hidden attachment to the fear of loneliness.
Perhaps because I am unmarried, I didn't realize that I was attached to lust and I hadn't cleaned this out. I was interested in the opposite sex and indulged in fantasy. There was a male colleague at my company I was attracted to and fantasized about. I fantasized that he cared about me and would protect me. Sometimes these thoughts interrupted my concentration when I read Dafa books. I knew that this was a serious problem. When I looked within I discovered many attachments. I liked his appearance. I was attached to sexual desire. I wanted him to take care of me. I wanted him to like me and this was a selfish attachment. I was attracted to his stability, which is an attachment to dependency. I longed for the beauty of a romantic relationship. These are all attachments to qing between men and women.
A practitioner later said, "When female practitioners don't live with their families, it is easy for them to develop the attachment of dependency. They want others to be concerned about them and to take care of them. In reality it is an attachment to the fear of loneliness.”
It never occurred to me that I had an attachment to the fear of loneliness. This practitioner's comment really woke me up. I thought that only those people who couldn't tolerate being alone could have this kind of attachment. I was reminded of Master's comments in his lecture, "Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Houston" (October 12, 1996), regarding a disciple of Brahmanism who raised a deer out of loneliness. He developed many attachments to qing, and after cultivating well for a long period of time, was destroyed in an instant. When I first read this lecture, I thought Master was only referring to the attachments to animals, ordinary people's attachments to qing, and the importance of one's final thoughts before dying. I never considered that practitioners could be misled by the fear of loneliness.
After thinking about my cultivation path, I realized that my desire to read novels, wanting others to care about me and protect me, and being attracted to men with stability, actually resulted from the attachment to the fear of loneliness.
Master said,
"You have no idea that loneliness can ruin everything for a person."
"Unendurable loneliness is most dangerous to humans, and it’s also the greatest tribulation in practicing cultivation." ("Lecture at the First Conference in North America," March 29-30, 1998)
Thank you Master for helping me to enlighten and thank you fellow practitioners for helping me recognize this attachment.
