Practitioner Couples Should Look Inward when Encountering Conflicts
(Clearwisdom.net) My wife had taken care of our household affairs for a long time. Her cultivation status was not good, and she often quarreled with me over minor matters, so I suggested that she find a job and get more connected to society. She found a job at the beginning of this year, going to the countryside every morning to pick up kids and delivering them to schools in the city. After a while, she started to complain. She said that the driver was really nice to his wife and was very good at making money. At the same time, she criticized me for not doing as well. I became quite upset, because I thought that I had been working and supporting the family alone for so many years, plus, I did lots of housework, so I shouldn't be blamed. Then, I quarreled with her with no mercy in my heart.
After a few days, I suddenly became suspicious. My wife worked with the driver for a long time, maybe she was very fond of him? Thinking about the current society, it is truly a mess. When men and women are together, they talk about everything. Would my wife be affected? After all, she had been on the borderline between a cultivator and a non-practitioner for a long time. With this attachment emerging, my human notions surfaced.
While studying the Falun Gong teachings, I realized that I should look inside. I realized quickly that I hadn't let go of sentiment and I had a strong attachment to lust as well as jealousy. We rarely coordinated with each other in cultivation activities. We studied the Falun Gong teachings and did the exercises separately. When we were together, we always criticized each other and always demanded each other to follow our own ways. We were part of a family, but we could not let go of sentimentality, and could not have compassion for each other. The old forces also saw our loopholes, so they separated us. Eventually, she could barely continue her cultivation, while I still blamed her for not being diligent. I rarely looked inside to search for my problems; instead, I thought that I was much better than she was. I did not realize that my failure to let go of qing prevented her from being diligent. With such a pursuit to urge her to cultivate, and without looking inward, always asking for her to change instead of myself, of course the result was not good.
There are no coincidences in cultivation. At the beginning, I wanted her to quit the job. Later, I realized that this was just escaping from the conflict, allowing me to hide the attachment. Since the attachment was exposed, as a cultivator, I must confront it and completely eliminate it. I must follow the requirements of the Fa. Otherwise, being involved in this sentiment and without letting go of it, this would hurt me as well as interfere with my wife, and I would not be able to do the three things well required by Teacher.
"Cultivation practice must take place through tribulations so as to test whether you can part with and care less about different kinds of human sentimentality and desires. If you are attached to these things, you will not succeed in cultivation. Everything has its karmic relationship." (from Zhuan Falun)
When practitioner couples encounter conflicts, they tend to forget to look inward; instead, they pick on each other and focus on their relationship. Then, the gap gets larger and the problem can't be fundamentally resolved. Without cultivating ourselves, improving ourselves and getting rid of the exposed attachments, the conflict returns.
Without improving xinxing and having a pure heart, practitioners always fail the test. Although they are couples, they are mentally separated; both become exhausted. Some couples decide to cultivate alone and it becomes harder for them to cultivate together and improve together diligently. This is quite common in our area. Some couples do better than others, or they do better on occasion. During this extremely precious period of time, it is indeed regrettable.
This incident exposed quite a few of my attachments. I wanted to eliminate them, however, it did not work well and they returned periodically, especially when facing my wife. I knew that it was because I did not let go of qing. I was quite upset and worried that my wife would be negatively at her job. Then, I would be hurt, which affected my attachment, so I covered up my attachments. Superficially, I said that I was responsible for my wife, when actually, I had bad thoughts which were not righteous at all. Why not treat my wife as a true practitioner, use my righteous thoughts to support her, and frankly share my thoughts with her on the Fa? If I could pay more attention to my shortcomings, let go the qing, be compassionate towards her and improve my xinxing, how could I be affected by these attachments?
After finding my attachments, I strengthened my study of the Falun Gong teachings. With my heart full of the sacred feelings of a practitioner, I no longer felt any pain in my heart, and I shared my thoughts on the Fa with my wife. My wife was also shocked. She realized that she should not have discussed these topics at work. She also looked inside to search for her attachments.
"The Fa can break all attachments, the Fa can destroy all evil, the Fa can shatter all lies, and the Fa can strengthen righteous thoughts." ("Drive Out Interference" from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
Through this incident, I realized that no matter what happens, we should follow the Fa requirements first. Once we look inside and improve our xinxing, the problem will be resolved. I hope that couples with similar situations like ours can let go of their human attachments, cherish their predestined relationship as couples, help each other, fulfill their prehistoric vows, and not fail the expectations of sentient beings.
Written on May 20, 2010.