Eliminating My Attachment to My Husband's Cultivation Progress
(Clearwisdom.net) In "Fa Teaching at the 2008 New York Conference," Teacher said:
"...because your improvement comes first. Without your improvement, nothing can be achieved, and that includes saving sentient beings. If you fail to improve and achieve Consummation, where will the sentient beings that you save go? Who will take them?"
When I read this paragraph of the Fa, I couldn't take my eyes off it. I was distressed and shocked, wondering if I had met the standard to reach consummation. Teacher is anxious for those of us who haven't done well in our cultivation, causing those who understand the truth and the countless beings in their corresponding cosmic bodies to not be saved! But for a long time, I had not resolved my own family's conflicts. How could it work? For the sake of saving sentience beings, I knew I must cultivate well in my practice.
In 1996, I got the book Zhuan Falun and a copy of Teacher's Fa-lecture video. I felt a shock go through my entire body at my first glance of Teacher's picture. But after I finished reading only a few pages, I put it aside. And for nine years I didn't touch it. Now, I really do regret that I didn't have good enlightenment quality back then. In late 2005, my husband had a stomach problem, and I was very concerned. A fellow practitioner came and asked me to quit the Communist Party and its affiliated organizations. I told her that I also had Zhuan Falun. (I had kept the book in good shape and put it away with respect.) To help my husband deal with his health problem, I immediately decided to study the Fa and do the exercises with him. Soon afterwards, whenever our child found time, she would study the Fa with us. And so the three of us have all fortunately discovered Dafa.
I am unable to fully express in words the experiences we have had since then. My xinxing improved with constant Fa-study, but the conflicts within my family never stopped. Before practicing Dafa, I was an unyielding person. I demanded perfection and liked to pick on others. Especially when I was at home and my eyes fell on my husband and my child, I always used a commanding or accusing tone. We always fought over trifles. It was as if we "could not have three continuous good days together." After studying Dafa, even though I understood that I shouldn't try to control others, whenever I saw them not diligent in the practice, I would say, "The Fa is so good, and we have obtained it. Why don't you value it and do well in the practice?" Once my husband was attached to making money, and there were many people asking him to do jobs for them. Frequently he was not able to read the Fa or do the exercises for several days in a row. I felt very anxious and found fault with him. He retorted, "I am making a living. What is wrong with that?" I calmed down and looked inside. I found that my attachment to my husband was too strong. After all, I had become a practitioner only because I wanted to help him cure his health problem. I worried he would fall behind in his practice, so I always wanted him to do well, because I worried that if he didn't do well enough, his stomach pain would return. After I figured out this fundamental attachment, I sent righteous thoughts to eliminate it. In the meantime, I helped my husband to understand the Fa based on Fa, and I helped him figure out his attachment and eliminate it. After we corrected ourselves, fewer people asked him to do work, and he now has much more time to study the Fa at home and understand the Fa from within the Fa.
I noticed that my husband couldn't straighten his arms during the sitting exercise, and his back was bent. When I pointed it out, he straightened them, but not for long. Down they came again. This happened several more times and kept me from doing my exercises well. I complained to him, accusing him of not having strong righteous thoughts. He told me that he wanted to do well, but he easily became distracted and absentminded. At one point, I turned my back to him to avoid looking at him, feeling that I must be too attached to him and my affection toward him had not been completely resolved. My husband also wondered why I had noticed his crooked back. Nonetheless, my mind was still on him, wondering how he was doing and why he was still not doing the exercises well. I felt that I had to check on him and help him to correct himself as soon as possible. When we were eight to nine minutes into the exercise, I opened my eyes and saw him sitting with his shoulder the same height as his legs, with his hands almost touching his knees. I scared him when I sighed with "Alas!" in dissatisfaction. He said to me, "Please, do your own practice. Why are you always checking on me?"
I realized the severity of the problem, and I started to sincerely look inside. I found that I had always worried about him doing anything. I was always afraid that he would not do well. Wasn't this really asking him not to do well? And I was always angry and accused him whenever he couldn't do something well. I had no compassion for him! Another problem that showed up was that I treated him differently from other people. I treated him as my husband, not as a fellow practitioner. At this point, I thought of what Teacher said in "Fa Teaching at the 2007 New York Fa Conference,"
"But if you are overly attached to his problems, your problems will themselves be exposed through the affair, and you will be made to see your own problems through the affair; and this might lead to his problem not being resolved for the time being as a result of your attachment not having been removed."
After I discovered this long hidden attachment and eliminated it, my husband's posture corrected itself. Really, it was created by my own attachment.
Several days ago when I happened to open my eyes, I saw his hands drooping again. I was calm, with no anger. I urged myself to let go of the attachment and tried to trust him to be able to do well by himself. A warm current flowed between my legs and arms at this thought, and my legs were no longer painful anymore. It felt warm and comfortable. Two lines of tears rolled down my cheeks. It was merciful Teacher--Teacher knows everything.
My daughter has also helped me improve my xinxing. For example, whenever she did not do things right, I got angry, and my words to her were no longer peaceful. She usually didn't listen to me when I spoke like that. Sometimes I could say just one sentence, and she would talk back to me and even throw things and make a tearful scene. I started to look inside and found that I wouldn't let others talk, I was quick to become angry, and I expected others to listen to me as only person who was right. I was competitive and sentimental toward my child. When I let go of these attachments, I was able to deal with her tantrums calmly, and I reminded myself to guard my xinxing and not to lose de (virtue). After my xinxing improved, she turned into a good child. She frequently joins us for Fa-study, the exercises, and Dafa truth clarification materials production.
At the time I was organizing this article, I suddenly realized that the shortcomings in my character were the result of the poison and mutations propagated by the communist culture. As a woman, I should be gentle, kind, and virtuous. I should assist my husband in bringing up our child and convince others with kindness. I feel lucky to have encountered Dafa and to practice it, and that I am able to realize, overcome, and reject the evil communist culture.
It has come to the end of the Fa-rectification. More than ever we should do well the three things that Teacher tells us to do and do well cultivating ourselves and working on reaching consummation. We should be worthy of merciful Teacher's salvation and the hope of sentient beings.
Due to the limitation of my own level, please kindly point out anything incorrect.