(Clearwisdom.net) Before I started to practice Falun Gong, I was very selfish. I did not know how to be considerate and completely regarded myself as most important.

Recently, I discovered that my selfishness was still serious and hard to get rid of. No matter what I did, my starting point was to think about myself first.

I guided my mother to begin cultivation. She always complained about me instead of paying attention to her own cultivation. I found that my attitude was the same toward my one-year-old son. I did not pay a lot of attention to what he ate or wore, and only cared about whether he would practice cultivation in the future or not. I really could not accept it if he decided not to practice cultivation with me in the future. When I discovered my selfish thoughts, I felt very sad. I really don't know I had these extreme and awful thoughts. It seemed as though I did not think a being deserved to live if he or she could not live up to my expectations. Aren't these thoughts the same as the old forces'?

Also, I didn't pay much attention to my relatives and friend who do not practice cultivation. All I cared about was whether they understood the truth of Dafa, or if they would resign from the CCP. Sometimes I would act as if I cared about their lives. Actually, it was not genuine concern for them, as it was not from the bottom of my heart. It was only superficial concern so that I could persuade them to quit the CCP. If they decided not to quit, I felt upset because I was rejected and lost face, instead of truly worrying about their futures.

If I had to spend extra time caring for my son or if his behavior affected my truth-clarification work, I would become frustrated with him.

If I received telemarketing calls, I would consider whether I had time to clarify the truth to them. If I did have time, I would be very kind and listen to their words first. If I didn't, I would immediately reject them because I didn't want to waste time and gain nothing.

Outside of home, if I wanted to clarify the truth to someone, I would be very friendly and kind to them. If I felt that there is no chance or time to talk deeply, I would not be willing to start a conversation. I felt it was a waste of time if I could not clarify the truth to them after being friendly.

Sometimes, if I had to spend extra time answering fellow practitioners' technical questions, or if I was in a bad mood and had to face those questions, I would feel annoyed. In my subconsciousness, the questions were completely wasting my time, instead of bringing me profits or gains. Other times, I would help other people while having a mindset of looking for returns. For example, I would consider as a repayment that I could ask them for help in certain areas in the future.

Actually, I have already sensed that my compassion for other people is limited. Instead of truly caring for people, I only care about achieving the goals I consider valuable. In reality, it is caring about myself. A fellow practitioner in our area who is currently in charge of a project only cares about the progress of the project. It is really difficult for me to accept the way she works. But in fact, my way of working is the same as hers. My family members think the same about me. They told me that I only care about my own business and don't care about their feelings and their lives. In reality, my way of working completely follows the selfish ways of the old universe. I felt tired constantly because I did not align myself with the characteristic of the universe. I could not give up thinking how I could gain even for a very small things. I justified my thinking and actions by telling myself that I was making calculations for the benefit of doing the three things. Even though my goals are very different than non-cultivators', my attitude was still very similar to that of an insurance sales person.

Many practitioners have similar situations. They behave friendly and kind outside. However, when they relax at home, they treat their family members with less patience and less compassion. Some practitioners treat ordinary people very well, but are less tolerant of their fellow practitioners. I think that this kind of benevolence just manifests on the surface and is only reserved for clarifying the truth. The patience is only for gaining agreement from others. They are purposeful (of course, our purposes are in fact for the good of others). However, they are not the result of our cultivation, and cannot be maintained at all times and in all situations. I think that enlightened beings who really apply "Truthfulness, Benevolence, Forbearance" do not need to intentionally show their "Benevolence." It is truly from the bottom of their hearts.

After practicing cultivation for so many years, I finally realize the true meaning of benevolence today. If we do things completely for other people without asking for any returns and without seeking gain, we are then truly being benevolent.

I will strive to no longer deal with situations based upon calculations of worth anymore. Actually, feelings that something or someone is not worth our time and consideration are directly related to our not wanting to suffer loss and wanting to protect ourselves. I understand if we cannot fundamentally change ourselves to align with the characteristic of the universe when clarifying the truth, then it is just like an non-cultivator doing work, instead of cultivation. From now on, I will improve my character, and do my best to do everything based upon benevolence and benefit for others. I will do so even when no one is watching, and without thinking about my own personal gain.