A Letter Home from a Daughter Who Is in Hiding for Practicing Falun Gong
Dear Dad, Mom, Mao Mao [daughter], and everybody at home:
How are you? Are you all well?
It's been more than five months since I left home. I think of you every day and every night. Tears run down my face every time, knowing that you are worried to death over me. A few days ago, I had a dream. I dreamed that dad held a letter in his hand. When he anxiously tore open the envelope and pulled out the letter, there was not a word on it. It was a blank sheet of paper. I clearly saw dad's face full of disappointment. I woke up and cried. I could not get back to sleep. I thought about many things. I knew you all were very worried about me and yearned to hear from me. Next evening, I told a practitioner about the dream and I sobbed uncontrollably. She said, "Sister Li, please don't cry. You have a father, so do I. You have a daughter, and I do too..."
On New Year's Eve the year before, in Beijing, we had steamed buns, rice porridge, and pickled vegetables for dinner. There were many practitioners together -- male, female, young, not so young, from the south and from the north. Everybody, including the elderly practitioners, affectionately called me "Sister Li." After dinner, the practitioners went to Tiananmen Square one after another, leaving only four of us. At 1 a.m. we received calls to pick up injured practitioners, and two young men went. At five o'clock in the morning, we picked up five practitioners, four were injured... It's like this everyday, the turnover is considerable. There are newcomers, as well as those who leave. This past New Year's eve, we served instant noodles with steamed buns. Living is tough, but we are happy.
I am grateful that I can cultivate in Dafa. I don't regret the path I have chosen because this is a genuine righteous way. I don't know how Dad feels about what I am doing. A number of times when I lifted the pen to write, I didn't know where to begin. I also worried that I might cause trouble for the family, as the police is now implementing the "relatives are guilty by association" policy. Dad might think I brought all of this onto myself, and that all of it could have been avoided. If that's the case, then Dad, I'm afraid you don't know much about me, let alone what is in my heart. Dad, please consider this, before April 25th, 1999, you were not against Falun Gong, you used to say, "Falun Gong must not be bad. Otherwise, why would so many people practice it?" After April 25th, why did you change your mind? Was it because of pressure from the government? Or maybe you thought that "obeying a command is a soldier's inherent duty." But wouldn't that just be blind obedience?
On July 20th, because I refused to write the guarantee to discontinue the practice, you were so anxious and angry, you fainted. As a daughter, I felt terrible. At the time, I was confused, lost, and in pain. But I was sure about one thing: there is nothing wrong about being a good person. In the midst of the pain and confusion, I saw many practitioners risking their lives to appeal to their government. Their actions touched me; they were beckoning me with their lives and blood. I knew what I had to do. The fundamental law of the Universe was being persecuted by demonic forces in the human world. It was a shameful and tragic reflection of the humankind. As a Dafa disciple, I had the duty to step out and speak the truth, otherwise I could not be considered a Dafa disciple. With this thought, I went to Beijing to validate Dafa...
A few months later, I was sent back home awaiting trial. Only then did I learn about our family situation during the Chinese New Year Spring Festival. Other families were joyfully celebrating, but in our family, Mom was in bed all day ill, weeping, and Dad, you were in the hospital following a series of medical emergencies... But Dad, do you think your daughter was wrong to speak out for the truth? Have you thought about who actually caused the pain in our family? I know that you, Mom, and Mao Mao all need me, but I cannot come home. Currently in China, how many parents miss and worry over their children instead of being looked after by them? And how many kids need the care of their absent fugitive parents? So many homes have been broken, and who single-handedly is responsible for all this?
Dad, this year you are 80 and Mom is 75. Since 1938, you suffered through the Japanese invasion, the War of Liberation, and the Korean War... braving so many political upheavals. During the Cultural Revolution, the persecution, the expulsion, and your dispatch to the countryside could not sway your loyalty to the XX Party. But Dad, in today's XX Party, how many are truly "whole-heartedly serving the people," how many are truly "selfless," how many are truly the "servants of the people?" And how many are not corrupt? The decadence in today's XX party is all too pervasive. When the police were talking to me, they often lectured me with, "If you don't look after yourself, you will perish." The ancients used to say: "For the sake of the nation and its people, loyalty and filial piety are sometimes mutually exclusive." And yet the police also kept saying, "Think of your parents, think of your family, think of your kids, think of yourself." Everything is centered on the 'self.' The 'people's police' don't have the people or the nation in mind, only 'self.' Isn't this China's tragedy?
Dad, Mom, Mao Mao, and all my dear relatives, I sincerely hope you can, with your consciences and your sense of justice, carefully think about the things happening around you, and what is happening in China today. Since July 20th 1999, it has been 21 months. In these 21 months, Dafa disciples have never stopped going to appeal; the appeals have never been interrupted. Why are they doing this? Notwithstanding the many people who are caught, beaten, jailed, and more than 190 tortured to death; notwithstanding the persecution of practitioners' relatives, the use of the worst, the cruelest, the most vicious means of torture, the indecent assault on the female practitioners; genuine Dafa practitioners have been steadfast, and have not been intimidated.
Do you know that throughout history, there have been many prophecies predicting that there would come a time when "Gods and human will co-exist at the same time." That time is now. Do you know that in Anqiu (a small city in Shandong province) alone, there are about seventy to eighty practitioners who have lost their homes? In another small town, Liangshan, at one time there were 108 practitioners waiting to go to Beijing to appeal.
Please find a copy of the book Zhuan Falun to read -- maybe you will be enlightened. And please be advised that in the event you should be persecuted on account of me, and if you should find it unbearable; please declare severance of our kinship. I will understand. Deep down in my heart, I will never regard our kinship as ever been severed. I will always be grateful especially to Dad and Mom, who painstakingly brought me up, and enabled me to cultivate. I don't want to be arrested by the police for no reason -- that's why I am roving about because I still have a lot of things to do. The things I am doing are the most righteous. I do it for all the good people, for them to hear the great Buddha Law!
I also want you to know that we are exposing the evil, clarifying the truth, to wake up people's consciences, to allow them to take a stand on the good and the evil, so they can position themselves accordingly for their future. I know you probably have, under duress, said some things that you did not mean. However, please be advised, you must never, ever, place yourselves on the opposite side of Dafa! Please always remember that Falun Dafa is good, Falun Dafa is righteous, and that "Zhen-Shan-Ren" is the fundamental law of the Universe. You should take responsibility for your own future, regarding the return to your origin! This is a cry from the bottom of my heart.
I cannot write home too often, nor use the telephone, because the phone at home is most likely bugged. When you are calling each other, please don't mention me. That way you can avoid trouble. A warrant has been issued for my arrest with a 10,000 Yuan RMB reward. My picture is all over the place and many police have it.
Once again, I hope all of my family can go and read Zhuan Falun. And Mao Mao, when you finish your homework, please read Zhuan Falun, you should become a Dafa disciple.
Dad, Mom, and everybody at home, please don't worry about me. I will be all right. Take care!
Your loving daughter: Shan (pseudonym)
April 25th, 2001