(Clearwisdom.net) I quit my job since there was no one else to take of our child and take him to school. I was planning to use this period of unemployment to study the Fa well, so I didn't bother to look for another job. I figured that my husband's salary was enough for our family of three, even though it might be a bit tight financially. But my mother-in-law and sister-in law were anxious and kept calling me concerning my job-seeking situation. I told them that I had not found a suitable job yet, so they stopped bothering me.

One day my sister-in-law came over and we began to argue. I tried my best to counter her view about seeking a job. I thought, "How can she try to tell me how to live my life; she should just mind her own business." She did not make the slightest concession, but when she realized that she couldn't win the argument, she changed the subject to smooth things over between us.

After she left, I was still mad. I thought that she always behaved that way. She and my mother-in-law always wanted me to make money and didn't want me to have any leisure time. If they wanted to make money, then they should just go ahead and do it themselves. I did not want to be like them, those only think about money. If I went back to work, how could I find time to do the three things well? Besides, many other practitioners did not work, either.

As I kept thinking about it, I suddenly wondered whether it really was the truth that I was worried about missing out on my cultivation if I worked. Or did I just use cultivation as an excuse for not wanting to work? I then realized that the reason I didn't want to find a job was because I didn't want to come into contact with society and I didn't want to deal with everyday people, because they always plot against and harm each other. I was trying to escape reality, the society, and contradictions.

I am a down-to-earth type of person. Ordinary people usually consider someone like me to be simpleminded. In the past I had suffered when I worked from love and friendship, making me I loathe people in society and generating in me a deep fear of being hurt. When people were good to me, I was very moved; if I was treated coldly, I felt hurt for days. If others treated me badly, even though I did not try to get even with them, I still wished that they would suffer in some manner. I was always on guard and thought that others were plotting against me. I often thought of the worst. I thus preferred to be with people who were kind or older, because I felt they were trustworthy. I behaved this way until I began my Dafa cultivation.

Through my continued cultivation in Dafa, I came to realize that it was because I had only my personal interests at heart. I was pursuing a life of not wanting to be hurt. I was practicing on and off because I wasn't really cultivating. I used cultivation as an excuse for not having to look for work. I was actually waiting for a catastrophe, a chance to see those who were unkind to me, those who saw me suffering and yet were indifferent, those who were selfish, and those who didn't take my advice meet with disaster. In that situation, I wanted to stay aloof and watch them reap what they had sown. It would then be too late for them to regret what they had done. What insidious, selfish, and vengeful thoughts!

Actually, it was not a matter of seeking or not seeking work. Rather, it was a question of whether I was really cultivating. Nothing can interfere with a real cultivator. But I was forever looking outward and trying to escape, even with a filthy mind, and was waiting for Teacher to change everything for me from bad to good and then I'd live a happy life. I was looking to be on a higher level one day or wishing to have a youthful appearance the next. I used Dafa for my selfish goals. When would this selfishness end? Our benevolent Teacher gave me repeated opportunities to realize this, but I have wasted ten years of real cultivation.

I want to change this perception and get rid of my selfish mind. Every human life has a different path. Suffering is due to one's karma. How can I hold grudges towards others?

How can one live a comfortable live without paying back one's karma? I had never gotten rid of my attachments to fear, indignation, holding grudges, or the need to get even with others. My selfishness and indifference made me not considerate of others, and I didn't view things with the Fa in mind.

I wrote this article to expose my filthy thoughts and to eliminate them, so that I will not behave this way any longer from this day on. I want Dafa to henceforth guide my behavior and for me to become a real cultivator.