(Minghui.org) Greetings, esteemed Master! Greetings, fellow practitioners!
I began practicing Falun Dafa more than 20 years ago. I lived in Beijing, and my mother brought home a copy of the then best-selling book Zhuan Falun. No matter how much I gained, or any progress I made, it’s all thanks to Dafa. Master’s compassion is so great that it’s difficult to express in words. I’d like to tell you about some of my recent cultivation insights.
I always believed cultivators didn’t have resentment because we all try to be compassionate and tolerant, so how could we feel resentful? A few years ago another practitioner told me she was trying to eliminate her resentment. I was surprised, because I felt she was kind and humble. I didn’t think she resented anyone.
I ignored my feelings of resentment for a long time. I think there were two reasons for this. First, I felt Master did not specifically talk about this attachment, so I didn’t understand how serious it was. Second, it’s difficult to detect it because the things that cause one’s resentment may have been around for years.
I mistook some old childhood memories as just some unfortunate occurrences, but I thought about them repeatedly. Those rotten seeds took root in my heart, and years later, I “harvested” a heavy pile of bad things. Now that I finally recognize them, I want to clean it out and get rid of it completely.
My father discriminated against me from the time I was born. I was often beaten, scolded, and verbally humiliated, which hurt me deeply. When he passed away in 1990 I felt the sky collapsed. At that time, families were still very traditional, and the father was in charge.
I never hated my father, but I often wondered why he treated me so badly. Was it because he was ill and in pain? Was it because I was a second daughter and due to the “single child” policy he couldn’t have a son? Was it because I was not attractive or well-behaved?
I developed an inferiority complex. I was timid and shy when I interacted with others. I felt I wasn’t wanted. I thought the situation would change when I grew up, but it didn’t. I always felt self-righteous on the surface to cover up my anxiety.
If I hadn’t been fortunate enough to learn about Falun Dafa and practice it, I wouldn’t have been able to heal my childhood trauma in this lifetime.
Master said,
“In cultivation, there may be two scenarios when dealing with specific conflicts or when others treat you badly. One is that you might have treated this person badly in your previous life. You feel in your heart that it is unfair, “How can this person treat me like this?” Then why did you treat this person that way in the past? You might claim that you actually did not know it at that time, and this lifetime has nothing to do with another lifetime, but that won’t do.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)
I had a vivid dream after my father died. I ran into a blood-red building. A door opened, and I saw a muscular, bloody, bald man about to stand up. I rushed up to him and killed him by splitting open the top of his head. Then I turned and ran away. The dream was shocking, and I vaguely felt the person I killed had something to do with my father.
Not long after I began practicing Falun Dafa, I had another vivid dream. I saw my father holding a walking stick and walking up a mountain. He no longer looked sick—he looked like an immortal. I picked a large bunch of plum blossoms and handed them to him. He took the flowers and continued happily walking up the mountain. After I woke up, I felt my father had a good destiny and went to a beautiful place.
I realized this dream was telling me that practicing Falun Dafa resolved my bad karma from previous lifetimes and gave me good things.
However, I hadn’t changed my rigid mindset that formed in my teenage years. I hadn’t let go of my human heart of seeking and I even pieced together psychological viewpoints to analyze and explain my childhood experiences. My intention was to eliminate what I felt were defects in my character.
I failed to apply the Fa principles to my life experiences before I began cultivating. Instead, I remained entangled in human feelings of resentment and sadness. The scenes of being wronged in my childhood often played in my mind, and I didn’t realize I should eliminate them.
One day when those scenes came flooding back, I burst into tears. It was frightening! Was that me crying? Why did I cry about something that happened decades ago? Since I'd started cultivating, I almost never shed tears for things that happened in everyday life. I only wept when I studied the Fa, read Minghui articles, or watched Shen Yun. So, what happened? This crying alerted me. This wasn’t me! This was resentment and grievance, and I didn’t want them!
Due to my lack of enlightenment, this deep-seated resentment disturbed me for years. Instead of cultivating myself and improving, I accumulated negative substances, and my xinxing became worse.
For example, I easily got upset, and I felt this was a manifestation of demonic nature. I completely lost the compassionate feeling of not taking anything to heart. I looked inward to see what exactly caused me to feel upset and why I got upset. Behind those unsettled feelings were all kinds of complaints and looking outward, instead of at myself.
If the issue was serious, I even blamed the whole world. For example, why did it snow so often this winter? Why is this road so difficult to walk on? When will I finish distributing all the Shen Yun materials I’m carrying? I felt the coordinator didn’t arrange things well; my husband always makes things difficult for me, and so on. How far this was from a compassionate and peaceful mentality! Weren’t my thoughts dark? Who will I blame next? How dangerous such thinking is!
Master said,
“While some began with a firm sense of commitment, there are some who have found it hard in their practice to let go of the many attachments they have developed over time. Some of them have become lax over the course of time. Add to this the time demands of work and not having handled family matters well, and these individuals have found themselves even more short on time for Fa study and exercises. And though they may occasionally take part in practitioners’ group activities, they can’t manage to be diligent.” (“Dafa Spiritual Practice Is Serious”)
This paragraph of Fa made me see the downward trajectory that could happen to a cultivator. I really need to be alert to my gradually becoming lax.
I realized that I should replace resentment and grievances with gratitude and cherish what Master gave me. As a life that has come to obtain the Fa, all the suffering I endured as a child paved the path so I could one day practice Falun Dafa.
Master said,
“To the great enlightened beings, living as a human being is not the purpose, and one’s life is not meant for being human—it is meant for you to return to your origin. Human beings suffer a lot. The enlightened beings think that the more one suffers, the better, as one should speed up repaying one’s debts. This is what they think.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)
Everyone has different amounts of karma. If I hadn’t suffered from an early age or eliminated enough karma, I might not have had the chance to obtain Dafa. So, looking at the situation in reverse, I should be deeply grateful to those that hurt me and cherish Dafa.
After many twists and turns, I finally found my resentful heart. I want to remind myself and fellow practitioners that when you repeatedly remember something, you must be alert, stop it, and not be led by it. Whether it’s a current matter or a past matter, it may involve a certain attachment. This is also an opportunity to think about where such thoughts come from.
For example, if you always recall something you’re proud of, it may be an attachment to zealotry or the mentality of showing off. If you keep recalling a beautiful scene, it may be a desire for comfort or lust. If you keep thinking about something that makes you angry, it may involve a fighting mentality or jealousy. These are distracting thoughts that are wrapped around our attachments. We don’t want them and must remove them. We should keep our thoughts righteous and focus on cultivating ourselves.
These are my cultivation insights. Please kindly point out anything that is not based on the Fa.
(Presented at the 2024 Canada Fa conference)