Discovering the Root of My Hatred

(Minghui.org) We know from Master's Fa that cultivators must get rid of all attachments as they cultivate so they will be able to reach consummation. Many practitioners have shared their experiences of removing attachments in articles on the Minghui website. Despite this, I hadn’t found the root of my resentment during my five years of cultivation. My cultivation state was not stable, and I was frustrated.

One night, I dreamed about my mother who’d passed away many years before. In my dream, I stood before her and cried, “I just want to have a mother. As long as you are here, you don’t need to do anything.” But my mother said nothing.

I was sad when I woke up. I became a practitioner because my mother cultivated Dafa. When we first started to practice, we only knew Dafa was good. We didn’t have a good understanding of the Fa principles and didn’t know how to truly cultivate. At that time, my husband was a Party member, and he was afraid of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). He believed the Party’s lies about Falun Dafa and was opposed to my mother and me practicing. When my mother was gravely ill, my husband forced her to make me give up cultivating Dafa. I gave up cultivation, and my mother passed away not long after. I felt guilty and blamed myself for not taking good care of my mother and helping her overcome the tribulation with righteous thoughts. From then on, I was depressed and miserable.

I had lost my mother, the one who loved me the most, and I blamed my husband’s family. These seeds of resentment took root in my heart. Over time, the resentment turned into hatred. I was cold to them, felt indifferent, and treated them like strangers. When I saw my husband, I would get angry and start cursing. There was no peace in the family. But we stuck it out because our daughter was still young, and I wanted her to have both parents. Because of my resentment for my husband’s family and my guilt and longing for my mother, I lost hope. I didn’t like anyone, and my health worsened. I was often hospitalized.

Perhaps it was my chance to obtain the Fa again. One day, another practitioner found me and told me not to give up cultivating. He said that I should return to Dafa, that only Dafa could help me. I knew that Master had never abandoned me and had always been watching over me and enlightening me. I also dreamed of Master saving me many times. The good thoughts in my heart were awakened, and tears filled my eyes. Perhaps I had waited for this moment for thousands of years. Thank you, Master! Thank you, my fellow practitioners.

That was how I returned to Dafa cultivation. After five years of tribulations as I cultivated, my mind and body went through huge changes. It was Master who pulled me out of hell, cleansed me, protected me, enlightened me, and purified my body and mind. Dafa elevated my moral standards and gave me a healthy body. And my attitude toward my husband’s family changed greatly. I understood that everything I had experienced was not accidental, but was caused by karmic retribution. However, the hatred that had built up for more than a decade had become a mountain. It was not easy to get rid of it completely.

As I was writing this article, my resentment appeared again. I told myself that I must get rid of any jealousy, anger, resentment, and hatred as they were not my true self. I also asked myself many times why this “hatred” appeared over and over again, and why I couldn’t suppress it. Then, last night, I had a dream in which I suddenly realized that the root of my hatred was family affection. When I was trapped in family affection, I used human reason to think about and react to the situation.

Over the years, I never really let go of my feelings for my mother. Whenever I thought of her, I burst into tears. I always buried my guilt and self-blame deep inside. I blamed my husband for my mother’s premature death,, so whenever I missed her I couldn’t help but resent, hate, and get angry at my husband. I wanted revenge. Under the influence of these emotions, I developed many attachments. It was compassionate Master who used this dream to enlighten me.

Now that I have found the root of this “hatred” that has haunted me for over 10 years and been so difficult to eliminate, I must change my notions and completely let go of it.

Master said,

“I would say that this is your wishful thinking. You are unable to interfere with the lives of others, and neither can you control others’ fates, including those of your wife, sons, daughters, parents, or brothers. Can you decide those things?” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)

It's true that everyone has their own destiny. I can’t blame my mother’s death entirely on my husband’s family. The destiny of a cultivator is not something that ordinary people can control. My mother and I also met in a previous life and were reincarnated as mother and daughter to obtain Dafa. I must also let go of my affection for my mother. After all, my mother practiced Dafa, and I believe that Master will arrange everything for her.

I am too attached to my mother. I exposed this attachment today in order to eliminate it, cultivate away the hatred, and cultivate compassion. At the same time, I strive to cultivate away all kinds of bad human attachments.

Thank you, compassionate Master, for not giving up on me, so that I can have the opportunity to return to Dafa cultivation at this end of the end times. I will be diligent in cultivation, help Master rectify the Fa, and live up to Master's compassion and hard work.