(Minghui.org) (Editor’s Note: The goal of cultivating in Dafa is to achieve enlightenment and realize the fundamental purpose of one’s life in this world. Every cultivator has their own motives for picking up the practice. Perhaps some were convinced this practice encompasses the true meaning of life, while others came after seeing practitioners obtain benefits that come with cultivation. But after a while, some fail to perceive the benefits they have gained, and others even lose out in terms of fame, fortune, and human affection among ordinary people due to cultivation practice. At these junctures, will you continue to cultivate? Will you question what drives you to continue cultivation? Will you continue to have faith in Dafa, and to what extent? In the end, it depends on whether one can truly regard oneself as a cultivator and whether one can truly understand: “...the meaning of a Dafa disciple’s existence.” (“Walk Straight Your Path,” The Essentials of Diligent Progress III))
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This article may be different from the typical articles fellow practitioners read online, but I feel my personal situation may represent what other practitioners might face, so I would like to share it.
Losing Faith
I first heard about Falun Gong more than 20 years ago, when I was a middle school student. The persecution had yet to begin, and I had family members who were practicing Falun Gong. I followed along out of interest, but only started practicing Dafa in earnest a few years later, when the Chinese Communist Party (CCP)’s persecution was at its worst.
Why does one enter Dafa cultivation practice? It is important to identify a practitioner’s initial motive for doing so. During the short period when the qigong craze hit China, many of those who started cultivating were suffering from health issues. Of course, there were also some healthy, young Dafa disciples who simply cultivated out of belief in the goodness of Dafa.
While trying to identify my true motives for becoming a cultivator, I ruled out any attempts to cure ailments. I was in my early 20s then, in perfect health, and the concept of death seemed remote.
Yet while I was cultivating, I was plagued by an “annoying” situation. Unbearably itchy, large white patches appeared on both my inner thighs. White flakes of skin would fall off whenever I scratched them, and smelly pus would ooze out of the broken skin. Scratching this area in public was also very unseemly.
As a practitioner, I tried to ignore it, though my parents often caught me and gave me a good scolding. Three years passed in the blink of an eye, but this problem continued to persist, no matter how good or bad my cultivation state was. I began to lose confidence, wondering, “Is this practice real? Falun Gong is supposed to have miraculous abilities in curing health issues. Many people have had their conditions cured, so why does mine persist?”
The incurable state of my “disease” led me to doubt Falun Dafa. Yet my staunch belief in the curative properties of qigong remained. I gradually came to regard Falun Dafa like any other qigong practice. Later, when career demands started to pile up, I stopped practicing the exercises. One day, when the unrelenting itching became unbearable, I visited the largest hospital in our provincial capital. A doctor prescribed a two-week course of medication that completely cured the condition. After that, I basically stopped believing and stopped practicing Dafa.
A Piece of Purity in Troubled Times
Despite giving up cultivation practice for several years, my initial experience had left me believing that Dafa remained the only way back for people in this time of crisis. Like many others with no education or social backing, I searched for employment in big cities, living an uncertain life filled with hardship. Whenever I felt bitter, tired, or treated unfairly, I would often think back to the principles of Dafa. Whenever I interacted with others, I usually fell back on Dafa’s moral teachings. I staunchly believed from the bottom of my heart that no matter what kind of organization Falun Gong was, the practice benefited a person’s moral character.
To build a better life, I worked hard and finally gained recognition from my bosses and peers for my talents in my professional field. However, long hours of desk work over the years had left me with severe cervical spondylosis and frozen shoulders. During the most severe attacks, I could barely lift my hands above my shoulders. The nerves in my spine were so compressed that each attack left me bedbound for days with dizziness and nausea.
During this period, although the idea of resuming Dafa practice came to mind, I was held back by the thought that the practice could strengthen one’s body and cure minor ailments but would be useless in the face of chronic illnesses. But one day I experienced unbearable shoulder pain while working alone in my office, and I finally decided, “Who cares! Maybe practicing can help alleviate my condition. In any case, it is a physical exercise that can help stretch my muscles and bones.” I got into position to hold the Law Wheel in the second exercise and did it for about 15 minutes, until I was sweating profusely.
I resumed practicing the exercises, but this time with the goal of improving my health. I had just started my new business and thought, “If my health is bad, how can I make it through the grueling process of starting a business from scratch? I must practice!” The experience sharing articles I read online mostly described how severely ill practitioners were quickly cured after reading just a few passages of the Fa or after learning the exercises. I came to the firm belief that there is nothing wrong with my body. Everyone’s situation is different, and the length of time required to eliminate karma is also different.
Despite practicing for a period of time, there was little improvement in my cervical spondylosis. The excruciating pain prevented me from fully entering a meditative state. Yet in the past, I could meditate deeply and feel as though I was sitting inside an eggshell, and my legs wouldn’t hurt even if I meditated for over an hour and a half.
I began searching inward. Was I not cultivating diligently enough? I began thinking of ways to study the Fa better, such as by copying the teachings by hand to strengthen my concentration and eliminate distracting thoughts. Yet despite spending time and effort in this regard, my shoulders and neck began to hurt even more. It appeared this method was not as effective as some sharing articles had described.
My confidence was shaken, but I quickly stopped my spiraling thoughts and reminded myself with Master’s words, “...not to lose it easily just because you have obtained it easily.” ( Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)
Deep down in my heart, there remained the lingering regret that I was not cured even after practicing Falun Gong. But I knew for sure that, at its core, my body remained in good condition, as I had suffered no illnesses for many years.
As my work began to intensify, pain in my cervical vertebrae would often flare up. Poor blood supply to my brain left me dizzy most of the time, and practicing the exercises brought little relief. To cope with my symptoms, I turned to traditional massages and tui na (a form of shiatsu), which had some beneficial effects. Although I continued to cultivate Dafa, the extent to which I cherished the practice began to wane.
I envied fellow practitioners who had experienced miracles while cultivating, such as having their illnesses healed just by practicing the exercises or seeing and hearing things from other dimensions. Those practitioners appeared destined to enjoy a special fate in life. When it came to promoting and validating the Fa, I sometimes thought, “Since that person’s illness was cured by practicing Dafa, shouldn’t he acknowledge his benefactor? Doesn’t he have a duty to tell others about this miracle?If a previously stupid and clumsy person became smart and capable after practicing; if a person’s family and work environment improved due to cultivation, isn’t it only natural to tell others about their good fortune? Then why are there practitioners who still cannot step forward to validate the Fa?”
I am one such person who cannot go out to validate the Fa, because my “illnesses” are not healed despite practicing Dafa. However, other than these illnesses, I must acknowledge that my body otherwise remains in good shape. I do not suffer from sicknesses such as the seasonal flu. Besides, with so many illnesses spreading throughout the country nowadays, who would not be interested in staying healthy? I had briefly touched on the goodness of Dafa to some relatives in the past, and after figuring out this angle, I started making plans to clarify the goodness of Dafa more systematically among my relatives. But at this point, I was hit with a greater tribulation.
Cherish Every Opportunity, Much Like You Would Cherish Your Eyes or Heart
Recently, I have often thought of Master’s words:
“When it’s difficult to endure, you can endure it. When it’s impossible to do, you can do it.” ( Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun).
I used to understand this literally, at face value, but now, in light of my experiences, its meaning appears completely different.
What tribulation is the most difficult? Physical pain suffered during meditation? Interpersonal problems between people? These are visible and tangible problems. There is another kind of difficulty, one that cannot be seen or touched, but burdens you like an invisible mountain. You can’t see it, though it firmly crushes you in its grip. I have never seen anything with my third eye, nor experienced the curing of any chronic disease through practicing. At this juncture, the ability to place my belief in Dafa or not remains an unavoidable question.
Seriously ill practitioners who were quickly healed after doing the exercise—you don’t know how lucky you are. In my opinion, you should no longer doubt your beliefs anymore. Dafa brought you back from the brink of death, and you have even experienced it for yourself!
Facing More Tribulations, Step Forward with Your Karma
As my “disease karma” dragged on without any improvement, my confidence fell and I stopped thinking that I could do as Master said,
“When it’s difficult to endure, you can endure it. When it’s impossible to do, you can do it.” ( Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun).
For those who claimed to be cured after practicing the exercises or reciting “Falun Dafa is good, Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good,” I could not avoid wondering if their miracles were by chance or due to a misdiagnosis. I still believed that qigong could cure diseases, so I gradually again reverted to the mindset of treating Dafa like any other qigong exercise.
I have always wanted to position Dafa as the most important thing in my life. I have worked hard to do so, but I have found this difficult to achieve through external efforts.
A year ago, after reading Master’s teachings concerning the death toll from the COVID-19 epidemic in China, my incomprehension basically shattered the small amount of faith I had left. I refused to study the Fa but persisted in practicing the exercises. During this period, I picked up a lot of ordinary people’s habits and did many things that violated Dafa’s teachings.
If a person stops cultivating, they will revert to being an ordinary person. The karma Master originally removed will be returned to you. Soon after, I developed tinnitus. The symptoms started off mild, then increased in severity, spreading from one ear to the other and seriously disrupting my sleep. During the first eight months, I spent 90 percent of my time each night awake, and my symptoms only started improving by the ninth month. As a result, the hearing in my left ear declined. Moreover, my cervical spine nerve pain, which had seen massive improvement, suddenly appeared to shift to my thoracic spine, causing my throat to tighten and affecting my ability to breathe. Breathlessness caused me to wake up many times each night, worsening my already poor sleep. These conditions tortured me so badly, I was tempted to commit suicide.
After subconsciously considering picking up the practice again, I decided to regard myself as a true cultivator and try my best to meet the requirements of Dafa. Within the past year, I have memorized the contents of Zhuan Falun twice. Though my tinnitus remains unchanged, the quality of my sleep has seen some improvement.
I once jokingly asked my wife, “If, after diligently practicing the exercises for two hours and studying the Fa for one to two hours each day, your illness remains the same despite all of your effort, would you continue to cultivate?” My wife only smiled helplessly, indicating her incomprehension behind my continued efforts, and indicated she would have given up and explored other avenues. We share a close relationship, and at one point, I had almost persuaded her to practice Falun Gong.
Sometimes I wonder what blessings I did receive from practicing Falun Gong. No matter how badly I have cultivated, my state is still better than that of an ordinary person. My friends and relatives who do not practice Dafa smoke, drink, play cards, and stay up late, but remain in reasonably good health. I abstain from all these bad habits, wake up early each morning, or make time at dusk to practice the exercises, yet I have ended up in this condition. How can I convince people that “Falun Dafa is good, Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good” and how can I validate the Fa?
Despite everything, I refuse to be pessimistic. My relatives, who still cultivate Dafa, have not taken any medication for more than 20 years. Additionally, living an ordinary person’s life is tto meaningless. After a period of deep contemplation, I confirmed my desire to return to my true home and cultivate Dafa. I remain convinced that cultivation is good and there is nothing wrong in taking this path.
No matter the manifestation of each tribulation or the number of times I have questioned my soul, I come back to the same conclusion: I still want to be a true Dafa disciple!
(Selected submission to celebrate World Falun Dafa Day on Minghui.org)
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