(Minghui.org) I started practicing Falun Dafa in 1995. What touched me the most in my 27 years of cultivation is Master Li’s (Dafa’s founder) compassionate salvation and painstaking arrangements. I was not aware of many of my attachments and often did things with a human mindset. But I didn’t know how to look inward to improve myself. So evil elements took advantage of my loopholes, and I was arrested several times.
It was very difficult for me to continue cultivating. However, merciful Master did not give up on me, a disciple who failed to live up to his expectations. He kept enlightening me and arranged opportunities to help me to get rid of my attachments. Through many painful and entangled conflicts, I gradually understood how to genuinely cultivate myself.
Getting Rid of Resentment
Three years ago, a practitioner in my area named Anping was partially paralyzed due to a car accident. At first, many practitioners helped her. However, she later moved away, and few people kept in contact with her.
Anping’s husband, Niu, (also a practitioner) found me one day and hoped I could help her. Some past resentments I had for Niu then resurfaced. Anping and I were illegally detained in a forced labor camp, and we were held in the same small cell. She told me many bad things that her husband had done, including beating her. Those conversations with Anping gave me a very bad impression of him. Because of the resentment, I didn’t take his request seriously.
A few days later, I had a very vivid dream: a person lying in a bed covered with a white sheet. A man appeared and stood beside me and exclaimed: “She is dead!” At the same time, I saw the person’s fingers that were outside the sheet had moved slightly. I thought to myself: She is not dead, there is still hope. I took off the sheet and saw that Anping’s body was full of bruises. I thought: How could her husband do such a thing? I hugged her and cried out loudly. That woke me up.
I mentioned this to my neighbor Bing, who is also a practitioner. We decided to visit Anping right away. When Anping saw us, she cried and said she didn’t want to live anymore and wanted to go on a hunger strike. She also told us how bad her husband was. I tried to comfort her by saying her husband was not an easy person to live with, and that she should try to understand him. But in my heart, my resentment was already aroused.
I accompanied Anping to study the Fa, send forth righteous thoughts, and look within with compassion. However, I didn’t look inward myself. Why did I see Anping’s resentment?
When another practitioner asked about Anping’s situation, I immediately said negative things about her husband and did not regard myself as a practitioner at all. I did the same in the past when a fellow practitioner said that Anping’s husband was doing well; I didn’t want to admit it. Instead, I said a lot of bad things about him. As a result, when I went out, I had a bad fall that caused my mouth to bleed.
I realized there was a problem with my xinxing, so I started looking inward. However, I could not find my problem, and I really didn’t know how to look within. I knew that I didn’t pay attention to cultivating my speech. But I didn’t look for the reason behind it. In this way, Anping’s health did not improve, and I became very anxious.
At the time, symptoms that gave the illusion of illness appeared in my chest. This made me even more anxious. I was in charge of computer maintenance and system installation for some fellow practitioners, and my workload suddenly piled up. The physical pain I experienced made me exhausted, and it was difficult to concentrate.
I began to seek answers externally and asked a practitioner named Bai to send forth righteous thoughts for me. Bai remarked, “You look all right. You should be fine. Everything that happens is a good thing!” After hearing that, I started to complain to myself that he didn’t help me. I still didn’t look inward.
During this period, another practitioner, Chen, visited for some other matters. But my heart was completely driven by false appearances. I felt that my capacity had been reached, and I could no longer take in any more. I was going to crash and burn with any extra work. I didn’t want to hear anything Chen said. I just said silently, “Please go, leave me alone!”
Chen continued talking. I then burst out and got angry at Chen and kicked her out the door. I suddenly thought: “Oh no, I did another wrong thing! How could I do this to her?!” I was really in pain. I knew I shouldn’t hurt another practitioner like this but, at the time, I felt my pain was unbearable.
I knelt down in front of Master’s picture and cried: “Master, I didn’t want to behave like this, but I couldn’t help it. Why didn’t they understand me?” I was still looking externally and blaming others. Nevertheless, I knew there was something wrong with my xinxing. I told Master that I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me and to please enlighten me!
The word “Confidence” appeared on the lighter that I used to light incense for Master. I thought it must have been Master giving me a hint that I should have confidence! I saw in myself that I have been studying the Fa in a superficial way during that period of time. I didn’t put my heart into it, so I didn’t judge things with Dafa’s standard of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, but with a human mindset instead. I made up my mind to start memorizing the Fa again, and at the same time, I studied Master’s collected teachings given around the world.
I understood that what happened to Anping must also have something to do with my cultivation. The human side she exposed was exactly the one in me. Tears of shame gushed out. I failed to live up to Master’s painstaking arrangement. I did not look inward, and I did not genuinely cultivate myself. I then made up my mind to truly practice. I wanted to carefully compare myself with the Fa’s standards.
The tribulations that happened to Anping were also an opportunity that Master used to get rid of my attachments. I missed the opportunity and became emotional. In addition, I complained about my fellow practitioners. I reached out to Anping and her husband Niu to apologize. I then reached out to Chen to apologize. They were not upset by my behavior.
Through continuous Fa-study, I found many attachments: resentment, jealousy, contempt for others, showing off, vanity, and pursuing fame and fortune. Behind the resentment, I also discovered selfishness and self-centeredness. I began to pay attention to these attachments during more intensive Fa-study. Sometimes, I could quickly grasp and reject them as they surfaced. Other times, I only realized them much later and got depressed about it. I kept strengthening my confidence and with the Fa, I definitely will be able to get rid of these attachments.
When resentment surfaced for me, I recited “Realms” (from Essentials for Further Advancement). This resentment gradually became weaker and weaker as I cultivated it. I reached out again to Niu and sincerely apologized to him. I found that I no longer had any resentment toward him. When Anping experienced another “false appearance” of sickness karma, Niu said: “This time, her resentment towards me has disappeared altogether.” Master took away the bad substance. I am grateful to Master. During this period of xinxing trials, Master’s compassionate arrangements helped us all to improve.
Eliminating Selfishness and Self-centeredness
I used to be very selfish; I thought of “Me” before I did anything. Oftentimes, when cooperating with fellow practitioners, I felt unhappy if they didn’t conform to my notions and requirements. This was especially so when I was working on a project; I felt unhappy if anyone interrupted me. I had a lot of attachments that were derived from selfishness. As I continued to study the Fa, and with Master’s enlightenment and blessings, my attachments were gradually weakened and eliminated.
Ding is an elderly practitioner in her 70s who wanted to learn how to install Windows 10 on her computer. She has no fear when telling people the truth about Falun Dafa, and she is very considerate. I admired her a lot. I taught her about operating systems a few years ago, and she studied very hard. At that time, because Windows 8 was relatively complicated, she was unable to understand it. Later on, the technology forum launched the “toolbox,” which made things much simpler.
Ding tried to install Windows on her two computers again and again. I lost count of how many times she did so. Every time something went wrong, she brought her computer to me or to another practitioner. I felt resentment and knew that I was being selfish and self-centered.
I feared being troubled, even though I restrained myself to not show it. Ding could sense it. She said kindly: “I am sorry to be too much trouble for you. This is the last time. I won’t come again.” I felt very ashamed of this. We are practicing the same Fa, why couldn’t I put down my ego and help her? I smiled back and tried my best to resolve the problem.
I then made up my mind to change myself, set higher standards for myself, and constantly cultivate a state of selflessness. The next day, Ding came again and I joked, “You came again!” Ding was too embarrassed to say anything. Afterward, we solved the problem together peacefully.
When clarifying the truth a year ago, a new practitioner, Xin, needed Dafa books. I lent her a 1999 version of Zhuan Falun, plus a cell phone and a truth-clarification video. I told her, “I am temporarily lending this to you. Once you acquire the book, please return it to me.” She did acquire her own copy. However, she lent my books and materials to her relatives in another county. My heart was churning, and I thought: “I would rather have not lent this book out in the first place, as I cherished it very much. How could she pass along my things without my consent? Let alone lend them to someone outside the county.”
Xin hugged my arm and said, “Don’t be angry. Aren’t you going to save us?” I immediately understood. She is right. Master told us that the purpose of this life is to save people. I was too selfish to cling to “my” things. I would like to accommodate what Master wants. I smiled at her, “Then tell them to spread the word more.”
Under Master’s painstaking arrangements and protection, I went from being someone who would not look inward to cultivate myself, to gradually understanding how to genuinely cultivate. How much painstaking effort Master has poured into this?! I feel that I just embarked on genuine cultivation, and I still have many attachments. I will study the Fa wholeheartedly, get rid of attachments as soon as possible, assimilate to the Fa, and return home with Master. I cherish everything arranged by Master! Thank you, Master! Thanks to the practitioners around me!
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