(Minghui.org) I felt very troubled; Here I am a Falun Dafa cultivator, but I often act poorly in my daily life due to jealousy. I have looked within and discovered this attachment in myself, but the problem still inadvertently came out.
As I repeatedly recited Master Li’s article “Realms” from memory, I wondered, “Since I have been behaving badly, and jealousy causes a person to do evil, do I have strong jealousy?”
“A wicked person is born of jealousy. Out of selfishness and anger he complains about unfairness towards himself.” (Essentials for Further Advancement)
But I didn’t seem to have strong jealousy. My family and colleagues said that I was rather selfless. So I started to memorize the section “Jealousy” in Zhuan Falun, hoping to find my answer. As I recited it, I realized that it’s not that I don’t have jealousy, but that I’m not clear about what “jealousy” is.
I always thought that jealousy was related to feeling unbalanced in one’s heart. For example, I am normally very busy at work. Then when I get home, I have to look after two children, help them with their studies, wash clothes, prepare meals, and do housework. By the time I finish doing all that, it is after 11 p.m.
However, after my husband comes home from work, all he does is lie in bed and play on his phone. He does not care about the children or the housework. Moreover, I have to do everything at the same time. How can I feel balanced in my heart? Not only that, my husband even complained that I do not educate our children well. He often reproached me, too. I sometimes felt so wronged that I cried out or lost my temper in a big way. However, I did not understand what I was jealous of. Was I jealous of my husband leading a comfortable life? I still felt that I hadn't pinpointed the critical piece of the problem.
I continued to memorize this section of the Fa. When I came across, “This is partially due to the doctrine of total equality that was advanced in China not long ago.” (The Seventh Talk, Zhuan Falun), I sort of understood.
Deep in my mind, there was still some of the absolute egalitarianism that the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) instilled in people’s minds. Moreover, there is feminism that has yet to be thoroughly eliminated. I felt that males and females should be equal, so they should do the same amount of work. That’s why I always felt unbalanced. Isn’t this jealousy? I suddenly saw the light a little.
As I continued to memorize, I found that the upset I felt about my husband is also related to “... so they always think that they should get whatever position or role they’re fit for.” (The Seventh Talk, Zhuan Falun) I thought I should not have to do so much work. Through this process, I found a long-standing heart of feeling resentment.
I endured many years of schooling and a lot of hardship to earn a Ph.D. When I was looking for a job, because I had already started cultivating in Dafa at that time, I knew that I should not emphasize fame and personal gain. So when the junior high school offered me a job, I accepted it.
I later got a second offer for a position I favored, but I set my standards based on Dafa’s principles. I could not go back on my word to the junior high school and so I turned down that offer. Now as I think back, I did not attain the state of being undisturbed by the second offer. Actually, I had not cultivated to such a high realm by then; I had to forcibly let go of that opportunity.
When I began to work at the junior high school, the school manager arranged for me to also go to an elementary school to teach a minor subject, and for me to manage the science labs (prepare experiments, run errands, and do odd jobs for others). I was originally supposed to teach high school entrance exam subjects. When I heard about these extra duties, I felt very upset.
I also knew this was a test. Despite my trying to get rid of this resentment by telling myself I could do the job no matter where I was positioned, I continued to stumble and struggle.
I now see that I thought a person with a Ph.D. should do what a doctor does. Perhaps my life was destined for me to work as a junior high school teacher, manage the labs, and do odd jobs. In that case, what was there to feel unbalanced about?! At this point, I felt that a large portion of the stone that was weighing down my heart for so many years was removed; I felt relaxed.
When that ideal job was offered, I referred it to my classmate. He later came to thank me. That job may actually have belonged to him in the first place, since he had an affinity for it. Master made use of this situation to help me get rid of jealousy. After understanding this, I felt that my jealousy became milder. Thank you, Master!
I recall that my husband often said to me, “Can’t you praise others a little? You are always elevating yourself.” Before then, I always thought that this feeling superior to others was a form of show-off mentality, and I just could not get rid of it. I now understand this is actually a display of jealousy. I always found an excuse for myself, thinking that praising others was too mushy. Isn’t this also not bearing to see others do well?
Furthermore, when I am reciting the Fa, I’m always a bit faster than my mother, a fellow practitioner, so I feel happy. When I’m driving and someone cuts into my lane in front of me, I immediately feel upset. Aren’t all these displays of jealousy? The more I thought about it, the more I felt ashamed of myself. Now that I realize I have so many deeply buried elements of jealousy, I feel very anxious.
I’ve been reciting the above passages of the Fa for a few days and have almost completely memorized the section on jealousy. I understand that this upset feeling and the desire to vie with others all stem from a deeply-buried self-centeredness. But all of this is not my true self. I want to catch hold of every opportunity when I feel upset, look within for the reason, and get rid of it bit by bit. I think if I get rid of my attachment to jealousy in this way, there is a high chance I will succeed.
The above is my experience during my process of memorizing the Fa. Kindly let me know if there is any room for improvement.
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