(Minghui.org) I have been cultivating Dafa for more than 20 years. However, I just realized that I was like a new practitioner in cultivation.
I have been introverted since I was a child. I am inarticulate and afraid to talk to strangers. I therefore always tried to clarify the truth face-to-face with fellow practitioners around. At first, we set a daily time to go out together to help people hear the truth to save them. Some of the practitioners later became grandmas, and needed to take care of their grandchildren. So they could no longer go out every day. There were sometimes only two or three of us, and sometimes it was only me.
Two small incidents happened recently that touched on my human attachment of selfishness. I feel ashamed that I’ve been looking outward all this time, and haven’t been truly cultivating.
First Incident: Looking Outward and Developing Resentment
Three of us were going out together recently to clarify the truth about Dafa. One day, Wei said that she couldn’t go out the next day, as she needed to take care of her grandchild. I then asked Caihua if she could go the next day. She said she was not sure, and if I didn’t see her at our meeting time, then she wouldn’t be coming.
I felt upset upon hearing her say this. So I replied, “I will not wait for you at our meeting point. If you can come, then come to my home. I can also download the Minghui Weekly at the time for you.”
Caihua thought for a while and said, “I should be considerate of you. You are so busy, and it is wasting your time to ask you to wait for me if I can’t come. OK, I will go find you if I can come.”
After hearing Caihua’s reply, I resented her. I thought she should stop being uncertain and not make trouble for me. There was no need for her to say she’s being considerate of me.
Caihua often said she wasn’t sure, which caused trouble for me. For example, one day Caihua didn’t show up at our meeting point at the set time. I thought she was going to show up and brought some things I prepared for her. The other practitioner and I had to stop by her home to give her those things after we finished our truth clarification. It was very hot and tiring, and a waste of time.
During these few years, this kind of thing happened often. I communicated this to Caihua, but she was not paying attention and didn’t change much. With time, I gradually developed resentment for her. However, I didn’t realize this and kept looking outward.
Second Incident: Finding Selflessness
It happened again a few days ago. The plan was that Caihua and I would meet first and then go together to meet Wei at a certain place. I arrived early to wait for Caihua, but she didn’t show up. I couldn’t wait any longer, as I would be late to meet Wei. So I had to leave, feeling anxious about getting to the set place to meet Wei on time. It was a waste of time again. If Caihua had told me she wasn’t coming, I’d have gone directly to meet Wei.
After I got home, I couldn’t calm down and concentrate on Fa study. I felt very upset upon thinking of her behavior. I knew I had to look inward, and I found a lot of human attachments, such as jealousy, complaining, attachment to comfort, a competitive mentality, fear of being hurt, etc. However, I still felt I hadn’t found the root of these attachments. Then the word appeared in front of my eyes: “Altruism.”
I suddenly realized that I had been looking for my human attachments from within the notion of selfishness. Thus, I couldn’t find the root. When I changed my notion and looked at the problem from the viewpoint of selflessness, my heart suddenly opened up. All the previous injustices and complaints suddenly disappeared. It felt so nice to be selfless.
Another story I would like to share is about Lian, who is an elderly practitioner, and she is very good at clarifying the truth. Most of the people she spoke with quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and its youth organizations. Whenever she was with me, I always depended on her to talk to people.
That morning, Lian, Caihua, and I passed by a breakfast cafe. Caihua asked me to clarify the truth to the woman who was selling breakfast items. I felt a little intimidated and asked Lian to talk, as she was good at it. But Caihua insisted that I talk to the woman, as Caihua thought it was a great opportunity for me to practice. I said back to her, “It’s not a matter of exercise, it’s about saving people. Lian has a better opportunity to save her, and she should do it.” Caihua gave a few more reasons why I should. My competitive mentality immediately showed up, and I asked her to go instead. I realized then that I was wrong.
Even though I knew I was wrong, I still couldn’t let it go. This was not the first time. The same scenario happened one year ago in front of a clothing store. Both Caihua and Lian insisted that I talk to the lady in the store. I had to bite the bullet, and gave it a try. As one could imagine, I didn’t save that lady.
I was hit quite hard by that experience. For a few days, I felt guilty for not being able to save that lady because of my poor cultivation state. The same thing happened again that morning. Although Lian finally talked to the lady selling breakfast and saved her, I resented Caihua. I complained that she always forced me to do things beyond my ability.
After I got home, I could not study the Fa with a peaceful mind. I knew I needed to look inward for why the same thing happened twice. I was trying to find which of my attachments caused it. When I changed my notion and looked back at myself, I realized that I did the same thing that I resented in Caihua and others. That is, I also liked to ask fellow practitioners or family members to do things based on my standards. I was not satisfied if they failed to meet my requirements. What the fellow practitioners showed was exactly a picture of myself. I was very selfish and couldn’t understand others. This was not the way a practitioner should be. I was not aware that I hurt other practitioners.
Going forward, I will change my selfish notion and become a genuine Dafa practitioner.
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