My Tribulations Pointed Out My Resentment

(Minghui.org) I live in a village in northeast China. My childhood and teen years were overshadowed by poverty, hardship, and exhaustion. My life completely changed after I began practicing Falun Dafa.

My father suffered from heart disease—mitral valve stenosis—so he could not work. My mother suffered from appendicitis, mastitis, rheumatoid arthritis, and renal tuberculosis. When I was 9 years old, I was diagnosed with lobar pneumonia, which plagued me for years. I coughed up phlegm all day and I also suffered from asthma.

Because no one else in my family could work, the responsibility of supporting us landed on my shoulders. I did all kinds of hard labor and by the time I was 20, I had a herniated disc and rheumatoid arthritis. Because we were so poor, we did not have the money to buy medicine, much less see a health care professional.

In the midst of our sorrows we were offered hope. In 1997, my uncle told me that many people were helped by practicing Falun Dafa. So, I went to my uncle’s, which is over 20 miles away, to learn the practice. I learned the exercises and brought home a copy of Zhuan Falun. I told my mother about Falun Dafa and she learned the exercises. After she’d practiced for two months, all her illnesses were resolved. My health issues also disappeared without me realizing it.

After the CCP (Chinese Communist Party) began persecuting Falun Dafa in 1999, we lost our group practice environment and I stopped practicing. In 2015, my mother came to look for me and met a practitioner. The practitioner encouraged me to resume practicing. My mother and I both filed criminal complaints against Jiang for initiating the persecution of Falun Dafa.

In 2019, I started up a business. I felt that I could manage my time if I had my own business instead of working for someone else. Since I did not emphasize solid cultivation even though I read the Fa, I just did things without improving my xinxing. Without realizing it, all sorts of human attachments gradually expanded and these became the excuse the old forces used to persecute me. From 2020 to 2021, I dealt with serious illness symptoms.

Letting Go of Resentment for My Husband

One day in April 2020, I called my husband but he didn’t answer. I was both anxious and angry. When he got home, I asked him, “Why didn’t you answer your phone?” He replied, “I was almost here so I didn’t bother.”

My anger flared up. Just then, my brother called and said something that made me unhappy. That made matters worse. I could not take it. I got so angry that I screamed. I completely forgot that I was a cultivator, that I need to be tolerant and look within when I encounter difficulty. I was carried away by my emotions. I was full of resentment—I felt mistreated and I wanted to fight. I was so angry that I went to bed.

After a while I had to go to the bathroom. When I got out of bed, my lower abdomen started to ache. The pain gradually intensified until I could no longer walk. It felt as though thousands of needles were stabbing me. My belly swelled up and the pain was so intense that I couldn’t get out of bed. I asked my husband to contact fellow practitioners and they came to help me send forth righteous thoughts. After that, the pain was partially relieved.

By reading the Fa and exchanging my thoughts with fellow practitioners based on the teachings, I realized that the main reason for my tribulation was my resentment, especially my resentment for my husband. My husband is a very honest man. He is diligent and hardworking. However, he is an introvert and does not say much. On the other hand, I am impatient, have a bad temper, and like to talk. When my husband says one sentence, I can say 10 that negate it. Even when it was my fault, I’d never given in to him.

Due to the differences in our character, I had never been satisfied with him. I felt that he always did things too slowly and whatever he said and did was not the way I wanted it. Since the day we got married, I secretly looked down on him. Whenever he did something not to my liking, I would get angry. I did not have a bit of understanding for him and did nothing to accommodate him. From looking down on him, it progressed to resentment and finally to hatred.

I did not place importance on cultivating my xinxing for a long time and I also did not look within myself when I met with difficulties. As a result, my resentment piled up. Over time, it intensified until it controlled me, and I lost all reason and ultimately ended up with serious illness symptoms. After I realized what was going on, I read the Fa a lot and sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate it. After nearly two months, the abdominal pain temporarily went away.

Letting Go of Resentment for My Parents

About five months later, in November 2020, I heard that my son had quit his job. I started to worry about his future. At this time, my mother went back to her old home in the village. Thinking of her all alone and helpless, I also started to worry about her. My attachment to my family relationships surfaced.

Just then, I started to have those illness symptoms again. It was still abdominal pain, but this time, it was worse. Two masses about the size of a fist grew in my uterus and my abdomen swelled until the skin became shiny. My abdomen and intestines hurt badly and I began bleeding. The symptoms were just like uterine cancer. My husband was so scared that he wept. He wanted to take me to a hospital but I refused to go. Seeing that he could not convince me, he asked my brother to come. My brother is also a practitioner and knew what was happening. He asked me to understand the whole matter based on the Fa, saying that everything would be fine when I improved my cultivation state.

I looked within. Apart from my attachment to family relationships, I once again found the attachment to resentment. Although I had found my resentment for my husband during the previous illness tribulation, I did not eliminate resentment completely. This resentment had been there since I was young but I’d never noticed it: I also resented my parents.

When I was young, my family was too poor to get me any medical help when I needed it. Due to overwork, my lower back hurt tremendously even though I was only 15 years old. I had a herniated lumbar disc and the doctor said, “You must rest and take care of yourself.” My mother told the doctor, “She’s the only one who can work, there is no one else.” It seemed that my parents did not love me—they only wanted me to work. Even when my lower back hurt so badly that I could not work, I still had to carry on. I started to really hate my parents.

I kept asking myself, “Why did they treat me like that? Why is life so unfair?”

Master said,

“...might be either of two scenarios. One is that you mistreated the other person during a past life. Perhaps the situation preys on your mind, and you can’t believe someone would treat you as they are. Well, then you shouldn’t have treated them that way in the past. You might say that you didn’t know better back then and that this lifetime has nothing to do with that one. But you can’t write it off like that.” (The Fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun)

“You encounter those things on account of your karmic debts, though we have reduced the debts for you greatly.” (The Fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun)

Master already enlightened me in my dreams many times and let me know that there was an affinity that went beyond this lifetime between my family members and me. However, I did not understand.

Master said, “But there are deeper reasons for this. They wouldn’t be allowed to meddle if they didn’t have grounds for it.” (The Sixth Talk, Zhuan Falun)

Every day, I was in tremendous pain, especially at night. It got so bad that I could not sleep. In my heart, I told Master, “Master, why am I in so much pain? Can’t I have a little relief?”

Master said, “So it’s a common failing for people to view the difficulties in their lives as unfair, and many have fallen as a result.” (The Fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun)

I thought to myself, “Isn’t Master talking about me?”

For years, I had not only been unhappy about my husband and parents, I even complained about Heaven and Earth and that fate was unfair to me. I regarded all the tribulations and pain that I suffered as being unfair.

When Master mentioned resentment, he said:

“When a person harbors resentment it’s because he has grown fond of hearing pleasant things and having things go well. And then when things don't go that way, he resents it. You can’t be like that, if you think about it. You can’t go about cultivation that way, can you? I have always taught that a practitioner should look at things in the opposite way of how people normally do. When things go badly for you, you should see it as good, and understand that it’s meant to help you rise higher. [You should think,] “I’ve got to handle it well. This is a test for me to cultivate through, another test.” ”(“2018 Fa Teaching Given in Washington, D.C.,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. XV)

I read the Fa every day and seemed to understand the Fa principles. I had practiced Falun Dafa for years, but I did not change my notions fundamentally. During the tribulation, I did not treat myself as a cultivator. I also did not treat the conflicts and suffering as a good opportunity to repay karmic debts, eliminate my karma, and improve my xinxing.

Looking back on my behavior in my daily life and during conflicts, I did not use the standards of a cultivator to conduct myself. Whenever I encountered difficulties, I got angry and looked outward. I did not cultivate myself. I acted just like a non-practitioner. I was in pain because I did not cultivate my xinxing. Because I was full of grudges and resentment, my abdomen swelled and ached.

After I realized this, I increased my Fa study and the length of time I sent righteous thoughts. I wanted to eliminate my stubborn attachment to resentment and correct myself based on the Fa. When my relatives came, they all encouraged me to go to the hospital. My mother told my husband that people who had similar symptoms were diagnosed with cancer. I was not moved. I just believed in Master and the Fa and left my fate to Master. During this time, I kept distributing truth clarification materials. Two months later, I recovered.

Third Attack of Abdominal Pain

On June 19, 2021, my abdominal area suddenly ached tremendously again. My large intestine felt as if a piece of wood was stuck in it. My lower abdomen was in intense pain that came in waves and burned like fire. The pain was so bad I thought I would die. Even though I wore many layers of clothes, I still shivered. For four days, I could not eat or drink and I lost a lot of weight.

I did not understand what I did wrong. Just then, a practitioner brought me a Minghui Weekly. One article was about a practitioner who could not put both her legs in the full lotus position when she meditated. When I read this I thought to myself, “What is so hard about putting both legs up? Just sit down and lean back and an hour passes quickly.” This “lean back” suddenly struck me.

Since April 2020, whenever I sat down to meditate, my body leaned back. I did not realize it and it even felt quite good. However, this was not in keeping with the requirement of the practice. This happened because I’d slacked off in my cultivation. When I understood this, instantly, it felt as though two bolts of electricity had run through my body from head to toe. From that moment, the abdominal pain disappeared. My body felt very comfortable and I once again felt the state of feeling light as feather in a body that is free of illnesses. I was so happy!

Master said, “You put in the effort and your teacher will handle the rest.” (The First Talk, Zhuan Falun)

When there was a slight improvement in my xinxing, Master helped me resolve my illness tribulation. This experience also helped me gain a deep understanding of what Master said,

“With a change in character will come a significant change in your body; physical changes in your body are guaranteed to accompany positive changes in your mind.” (The First Talk, Zhuan Falun)

After that, when my abdomen occasionally hurt, I always said, “Why am I in so much pain?” My practitioner mother would remind me, “You should not acknowledge it.” When she said that, I immediately understood—yes, this pain is not me, it really is not me, it is an illusion.

Through studying the Fa, I learned that I should completely negate all these false illness symptoms. Even if I have attachments, I will keep assimilating to Dafa through studying the Fa and cultivating myself. I will keep correcting myself based on the Fa. I definitely cannot allow the old forces to take advantage of any loopholes to persecute my body, and affect my ability to do the three things.

Master said,

“Those ordeals and the suffering, no matter how great or harsh you find them to be, are good things, because they take place solely on account of your cultivation. A person can eliminate karma and shed human attachments when he goes through ordeals, and through ordeals he can improve.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2008 New York Conference,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. VIII)

By going through these illness tribulations, I dug out my stubborn attachment to resentment.

Amid the sufferings, I got rid of my karma, cleansed my body, and my xinxing kept improving. At the same time, I also learned the solemness of cultivation. If not for Master’s enlightenment and benevolent protection, there is no way I could have overcome these great tests and tribulations. Master gave me a chance to be reborn and to cultivate myself. I will never know how much Master has suffered for me and there is no way that I can adequately express my gratitude to Master. I can only cultivate diligently and do the three things well. Thank you, Master!