Through Looking Inward, Great Tribulations Dissolve (Part 1)

(Minghui.org) Even though I began practicing Falun Dafa years ago, I’m embarrassed to say that for the longest time I didn’t really know how to cultivate.

For years, I failed to look inward to find my own shortcomings and this caused many tribulations in my interpersonal relations with my family.

It was especially reflected in my troubled marriage. From silent treatment to heated arguments to physical fights, my husband and I always had conflicts. This had been an on-going test for me in my cultivation.

However, when I finally began examining myself and considering others first, I finally was able to put this major tribulation behind me.

I was surprised to find that the entire time, the conflicts in our marriage were caused by my domineering and selfish nature. The root cause of these personality traits is “hatred,” which is prevalent in the culture of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP).

Personality Traits Formed in My Early Life

As a child, I always seemed gentle and shy. Hidden behind my soft demeanor was an assertive and stubborn person.

I appreciated traditional culture and values, and respected cultivators. My idols growing up were heroines such as Mulan who disguised herself as a man to join the army in her elderly father’s place.

I’m the oldest in the family and there are more girls than boys. My mother was illiterate but had high hopes for us children to be successful in life. I was determined to fulfill my mother’s wishes to succeed so I could protect my younger siblings and my family.

My schooling and career went smoothly partially because I am a hard worker but also because of my father’s position and power as a CCP official.

I was smart and did well in school. My teachers always selected me as the class leader since elementary school. After joining the work force, I quickly proved myself reliable and capable and rose through the ranks to become a county level Party official.

In hindsight, I believe this is where the old forces made arrangements to change my life path. In order to stay on top among high ranking CCP officials, I, a person who by nature didn’t like conflicts and avoided arguments, gradually became a tough and combative woman.

I felt that “being tough” enabled me to help those in need and uphold justice. I tried hard and used all means to come out on top in everything I did. To earn respect and honor, I took on heavy workloads that normally would take a team to accomplish.

Always pushing myself beyond my limits took a toll on my health. I ended up with a central nervous system disorder and suffered from many illnesses. I took medications and tried some qigong practices. Even though I saw some improvement, I knew this wasn’t what I was looking for.

I Finally Found What I Had Always Been Looking For

Fast forward to 1994 when I was introduced to Falun Dafa.

I immediately knew that this is the true Way that can guide people in cultivation. Master Li Hongzhi, the founder of the practice, is the only one guiding people toward high levels. Furthermore, Dafa practitioners don’t have to give up everything in the secular world and go off to cultivate in isolation in a remote mountain or a temple. I knew I finally found what I had always been looking for.

I never attended Master Li’s Fa teaching seminars, so at first I wondered if Master would take me as his disciple. But when I read the second lecture of the extraordinary book Zhuan Falun, I saw my room fill with big Falun. I meditated, and my entire room glimmered gold and everything took on a golden glow. This was my confirmation—Master had taken me as a disciple! I was determined to cultivate from that point forward.

A few months after I began practicing, all my illnesses were gone. As I studied the Fa and cultivated my xinxing, I no long took fame and self interest so seriously. I worked even harder and treated my family, friends, and neighbors even better. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law always praised me in front of others.

My Husband’s Resentment Toward Me and Dafa

However, regardless of my many positive changes, my husband was against me practicing Falun Dafa and we kept having conflicts. I didn’t know to look inward and examine myself at the time—I thought I was doing the most righteous thing and he was being unreasonable.

My husband ran his own business so he traveled a lot, and our daughter was in college. Mostly on my own, I divided my time between work and Dafa and kept myself busy. I got up early in the morning to join group exercise practice. With long days at work I sometime didn’t have time for dinner before I went to Fa study in the evening. On weekends, I joined local practitioners in activities to introduce Falun Dafa, so I was hardly home.

My husband only came home once every few days and usually went straight to sleep when he did. After catching up on sleep, he’d get right back to work. Both of us had very busy schedules and hardly saw each other. I didn’t take his feelings into consideration and never slowed down to spend time with him when he came home. I was always rushing out to attend Fa related activities when he walked in the door. Gradually, my husband grew more and more resentful towards me and Dafa.

When I came home after morning exercise one day, I found that my husband had torn up a Dafa book. I was devastated that I wasn’t there to protect the book and was angry with my husband. I told him, “Dafa is so good. It teaches people to cultivate their xinxing and be good people. It restores a person’s morality. Look at me, all my illnesses are gone. You’ve seen how well I treat your family.” He replied coldly, “I have not seen you treating me well.” As he spoke, he grabbed another book and tried to rip it. He insulted Master and my family and even hit me.

It was truly like what Master said,

““Usually, if I say ‘one,’ she doesn’t say ‘two.’ Today she’s walking all over me.”” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun 2014 Translation)

I knew that this was my opportunity to improve and eliminate karma so I endured his behavior quietly. In my dream that night, I saw how in our previous lives, I cursed at and hit my husband, exactly what he did to me. However, I couldn’t forgive him for insulting Master and Dafa and resented him for it. Our conflicts deepened.

Opposition to Me Clarifying the Truth About Dafa

When the CCP launched the nationwide persecution of Falun Dafa in July 1999, my husband bought into the lies the Party fabricated to smear and slander Dafa.

He often insulted and beat me. He watched me closely and wouldn’t let me go out nor let other practitioners visit. He threatened to turn me in to the police.

Word spread in our area among practitioners that my husband was a “terrible character” and nobody dared to come to my home.

It was a rough period in my cultivation, but I held on to “perseverance” and “tolerance” and I didn’t fight back or argue with him.

I went to Beijing at the end of 2000 to petition the central government for my right to practice Dafa and I was detained for nearly a year. My detention brought my husband tremendous pressure. He came to visit me at the brainwashing center and asked that I write the guarantee statement to stop practicing Falun Dafa. When I refused, he beat me up in the visitation room. When our friends and family found out about it, they all thought he was out of line to treat me that way.

As if possessed by an evil spirit, my husband vehemently opposed me telling people the truth about Dafa. He said I lacked virtue and was destroying people’s future by doing that. When I explained to him why it was important that people know the truth about Dafa and the truth behind the persecution, he tried to intimidate me and threatened to report me to the police. His behavior was like a being arranged by the old forces to sabotage the Fa and my cultivation. Why was this happening to me? What should I do?

I ran into the local coordinator, a veteran practitioner, one day and I asked, “Why doesn’t he change? He’s here to sabotage the Fa, right?” The coordinator was full of compassion, “You can’t think that way. He is here to help you cultivate. When you improve yourself, he will change.” I was skeptical, “Can he still be saved?” The coordinator nodded, “Of course. He is waiting for you to save him.”

But my husband was deeply prejudiced and refused to even listen to the truth about Dafa. What should I do? I asked other practitioners to help me by talking to my husband—but when they came he refused to let them in and insulted them. I asked another practitioner for advice. She said, “Improve your realm. You just need to elevate your realm of being.”

I thought to myself, “Isn’t my realm of being high enough? I gave up my position as a high ranking CCP official and gave up many honors. I work hard without asking for anything in return at work. Within the family, I take care the elderly and help my siblings. I am nice to our relatives, our friends, and the neighbors. Everybody says that I am a good person. Why can't my husband see this?” But as a cultivator, I had to look inward and examine myself.

Master said,

“Validate the Fa with rationality, clarify the truth with wisdom, spread the Fa and save people with compassion…” (“Rationality,” The Essentials of Diligent Progress II)

I realized that I was too attached to human sentimentality and didn’t have enough patience. I always wanted to get things done quickly. I lacked reason and compassion. I needed to cultivate my patience and only when my compassion emerged, could I save my husband.

A Small Breakthrough

My husband got drunk one day. He laid down on the floor and couldn’t pull himself together. I was furious—he couldn’t even act like a dignified human being! I left him alone to go to my parents’ house since my father was sick and needed care. My husband soon came knocking on my parents’ door and made quite a scene cursing, shouting, and throwing a fit.

To put a stop to his outrageous behavior, I told him, “Let’s go home and talk about it.” I put a couple of fingers on my wrist, found my pulse, and decided, “I’m going to wait until I calm down to talk to him. I am going to tell him the truth about Falun Dafa today and the wrongful persecution.”

I didn’t get into an argument with him regardless of how unreasonable he was. After he sobered up, for the first time, I told him about the Tiananmen Square self-immolation hoax and how the CCP lied to smear and slander Falun Dafa. I explained that helping people quit the Party and its youth organizations is help them separate from the Party’s crimes so they could avoid being implicated.

I asked him, “What have you gained from being a CCP member? Please quit the Party. Your safety and health are more important than anything. I can make up a nickname for you to quit the Party. Is that okay?” He said, “Fine. Do what you think is right.” The next day, I confirmed with him. He said, “I said I’d quit the Party then I will quit the Party. Why do you have to ask so many times?”

Master Showed Me My Fundamental Attachment

I had a small breakthrough and helped my husband quit the Party, but my xinxing had not elevated enough because I hadn’t found my fundamental attachment. To give me a little push, Master show it to me while I meditated.

It was the fifth day of Chinese New Year in 2007 and also my husband’s birthday. As soon as I sat down to meditate that morning, I entered a state of tranquility. In my head I heard the voice of my former supervisor, “Let me introduce you two. She (me) is so-and-so and is the toughest female official in the county.”

I was very pleased with the way I was introduced, “I am pretty well known.” All my achievements flashed in front of my eyes—fighting for victims to receive compensation, taking tough cases to court, participating in and winning various competitions, being praised by high ranking city and provincial officials, staying resolute when I was detained, beaten and tortured for my faith—even the director and guards of the detention center called me “crazy.”

But because of this “toughness,” I could not tolerate anybody from my family questioning me. I barked orders and imposed my will on everyone. I was also shown how when I tried to get my younger brother to quit the CCP, I demanded that he do what I said, as his older sister, “the authority.” When he refused, I went off on him. I called him names, berated him and said that he didn’t know anything good. He swore he’d cut off all ties with me.

Seeing all these things I’d done in the past really shocked me, “I sure was tough—tough on others. How could I not realize it after so many years of cultivation? Is this how a cultivator is supposed to act? A demanding person who is tough on others is selfish, lacks compassion and can easily hurt others’ feelings. This was Master telling me that I needed to get rid of this “toughness.”

I called out to Master in my heart, “Master, I don’t want to be someone that is demanding and difficult. I will get rid of this substance accumulated over my previous lifetimes and sincerely apologize to those who I’ve hurt. I want to resolve any resentment and replace it with compassion. I will turn the layers of particles on each level of my body into benevolent beings. Yes. I will apologize to my husband and my younger brother today. I can’t let my mistakes stop them from being saved.”

My legs folded in the full lotus position never felt so relaxed as they did that morning and my body was never more comfortable. I felt that Master cleansed my body with high level energy from top to bottom. Tears rolled down my cheeks and fell onto my folded legs.

My younger sister who meditated right beside me told me afterward, “You meditated really well today. I could feel your compassionate energy. Even my legs didn’t hurt.” I told her, “Master helped me realize that I need to eliminate my tough and imposing demeanor. Today when the family gathers for lunch, I will formally apologize to my husband and our brother.” My sister smiled, “That’s great. I think I should also apologize to my husband and our brother.”

Resolving Resentments and Improving Relations with Family Members

My husband and my nephew share the same birthday and the family gathered at my parents’ home to celebrate. I made dumplings with a few relatives to prepare for the feast. I was in a good mood all morning and felt great.

More than a dozen family members arrived and we all sat down for lunch. I said, “It’s so good to see everyone here today. Before we start, I would like to say a few things. First, I would like to wish my husband and my nephew a very happy birthday. I’ve practiced Falun Dafa for so many years now, yet I have not truly adhered to the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. My temper is bad—I’ve called my brother names and fought with my husband. But this is not because Dafa is not good but because I haven’t done well. I want to sincerely apologize to everyone. I am sorry.”

Before anyone could react, my young sister also stood up, “I also would like to apologize to my husband and our brother.” My husband, my younger sister’s husband, and our younger brother all stood up and said things like, “We’re all family,” “don’t mention it,” and “it’s all in the past.” Then we all shared a nice meal together.

After that gathering, our family dynamic became more harmonious. My husband also changed. He stopped making derisive and sarcastic comments about my practicing Falun Dafa. He’s no longer upset when I go to Fa study or clarify the truth. He sometimes even helps distribute truth-clarification fliers.

I continued to strive to meet the standards of Dafa. When my father was bed-ridden and hospitalized for three years, my mother was also ill and in poor health. I visited them almost every day so my younger brother could focus on work. He had just been promoted to a managerial position and was very busy. I also helped his wife as much as possible with household chores such as cooking, laundry, and cleaning.

Soon after my mother passed away, my brother and his wife went through a rough patch in their marriage, to the point that they wanted to divorce. As if helping my own children, I encouraged my brother and his wife resolve their resentment towards each other. I asked them to look inward for their own shortcomings, focus on each other’s strengths and be considerate of their child’s feelings. I told my brother, “You’re very talented and a good man. You should treat your wife with respect, take care of her, communicate with her, help her, and once in a while just let her have her way.”

The couple eventually worked it out and their marriage was saved. My sister-in-law’s father was very touched. Through the process, I was able to spend time with my brother. I told him the truth about Dafa and helped him quit the CCP and its youth organizations. When he visited our father at the hospital, he played Master’s Fa teachings to our father. He also helps and protects Dafa practitioners at his work.

Old Forces Interfere Through My Husband

My husband had a stroke. He collapsed and could not move or talk. My first thought was that this was arranged by the old forces because I wasn’t diligent with my cultivation and I didn’t have strong righteous thoughts.

I was involved in a project to expose the CCP but I was very much attached to getting things done quickly. I felt that the old forces did not want to be eliminated so they brought this illness upon my husband, because he had torn up Dafa books and said disrespectful things about Dafa and Master. The ultimate goal was to interfere with me and destroy my husband.

I immediately started sending righteous thoughts to eliminate the interference. I asked my husband to sincerely ask Master for help and say, “Falun Dafa is good.” By the time we got to the hospital, he was able to walk by himself. During his hospitalization, I took good care of him and he was discharged nine days later.

At home, I had him listen to Master’s Fa lectures and Dafa music. I also convinced him to write a statement apologizing to Master for what he did. He quickly recovered.

I had high hopes that he would start doing the exercises and studying the Fa with me. Because I was being a little pushy, he resisted the idea and stopped listening to Dafa music. It was all because of my sentimentality and attachment to time. I looked inward further and found my tendency to force others to do things. I eliminated my attachments and quickly shifted my focus back to doing the three things well.

A Bigger Tribulation

The old forces changed tactics after the first attempt failed and interfered in a new way. After the stroke, my husband was weak and had trouble walking. Whenever I wanted to go out and clarify the truth to people, he grabbed me and tried to stop me from leaving. It didn’t matter how I explained the situation to him, he wouldn’t let me leave.

If I stayed away from him, he also got mad at me. As if possessed, he became really mean. He made up a story of me being with another man when I was younger and accused me of being with another man when I was in my 50s. I was angry and felt hurt by his lies.

My husband had another episode of nitpicking and accusing me of infidelity that lasted for many days in April 2018. When he got himself all worked up, his face turned red and his eyes became bloodshot. No matter what I did, he found reasons to pick on me.

When a practitioner came to visit, I complained about my husband. The practitioner encouraged me to stay diligent in my cultivation. After she left, my husband verbally insulted me again. He told made-up stories of me being with many other men, including local practitioners, my co-workers, and supervisors. He even fabricated the time, location, and details of what we did. They were all lies.

I was angry. I called him names that enraged him. He shouted at me, “You asked for it!” Then he leaped toward me, slapped me in the face, grabbed my neck, and pushed me to the floor. He threw his weight on me and tightened his grip on my throat.

I asked Master for help, “Master, I can’t die. If I die he will be committing a huge sin.” I closed my eyes and quietly pleaded, “Help me, Master. Please help!” When I nearly stopped breathing he finally let go, “Don’t pretend that you’re dead.” He shouted out the name of the former head of the CCP followed by the slogan “Live long!” He threatened to turn all the local practitioners over to the police. As he spoke, he tried to rip up a Dafa book and destroy Master’s picture. Luckily, I stopped him before he did any damage.

I phoned my daughter. She came quickly and took my husband away, worried that we’d fight again. I was in a daze for the next few days. I felt angry and hurt.

I had been taking care of everything in our family. I single-handedly paid our daughter’s college tuition and helped her find a job after graduation. I was demoted and took a huge pay cut because of my faith, yet I still financially helped my husband’s younger brother and sister and supported his entire family. I even paid the taxes for my husband’s business.

While I was detained, he got drunk, went to my parents’ home to make trouble, and disturbed the entire neighborhood. I was arbitrarily detained, beaten, starved, and tortured, yet my husband never said nor asked anything about my detention after I was released. I never complained.

He is now unemployed and has no income. I support him financially and pay all of our expenses. Yet he insults and beats me. How do I tolerate this? I was filled with hatred and the thought of divorce kept cropping up.

(To be continued)