(Minghui.org) In the spring of 2017, I found a lump in my right breast. I went to work but I still felt unsettled, so I went home early. On my way home, I thought, “What if I go to the hospital just to find out what it is?”
With this uneasy heart, I went to see a fellow practitioner, Ms. Liu. She said that she’d been in a similar situation, but she didn’t take it to heart. She just did what she was supposed to do as usual and recovered. She suggested that I ignore it.
Empowered by her righteous thoughts, I stopped feeling frightened. I thought, “When Ms. Liu had a similar situation, she was fine, so I should be fine.” It did not occur to me that this was a reflection of my long-term cultivation state—learning from others’ experiences instead of enlightening from the Fa.
Seeking Advice from Fellow Practitioners: Lacking Faith in Master
Whenever I encountered an issue, my first thought was to discuss it with other practitioners. Subconsciously, I wanted their advice and help instead of thinking about what the founder of Falun Dafa Master Li said. This came down to a fundamental issue in my cultivation—not fully having faith in Master and Dafa itself. As a result, this tribulation dragged on for a very long time.
Because I was so tied up with household chores I didn’t have time to worry about myself. When I felt a little discomfort, I just ignored it. I didn’t look inward or think about my abnormal state—I didn’t even send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate it. On the surface, I didn’t take it to heart, but deep down I always felt something bothering me. Sometimes when I didn’t feel well, I remembered what Ms. Liu said about “not taking it to heart” as opposed to what the Fa says.
My right breast began to ache, and a large purple lump appeared in the fall of 2018. Some nights the pain was so bad I couldn’t sleep. At that time, I worked half days in the morning. Every afternoon I met with Ms. Hu to study the Fa and send righteous thoughts. I later read a practitioner’s article that mentioned that the dimensional field of a practitioner who had illness karma illusion wasn’t good, so she went to stay with another practitioner. I decided to stay with Ms. Hu. She encouraged me and we read the Fa, sent righteous thoughts, and did the exercises.
Although fellow practitioners selflessly helped me, my condition worsened. At the end of 2018, my breast ruptured and started bleeding. The more serious the illness karma illusion appeared, the more upset I became. I felt the illness karma elimination this time was different from before. This time it was so hard for me to make a breakthrough. I wanted to seek external help to get me back on track.
On the surface, I studied the Fa and had faith in Master and Dafa. Deep down, I didn’t reflect on what Master said or examine my cultivation state. Instead I thought about what this or that practitioner said. I wanted them to help me make a breakthrough in this tribulation. I still relied on other practitioners. The more I did this, the sicker I became. As a result, the illusion of sickness became more and more serious.
I went to Ms. Wu’s home. When she saw me, she noticed I was disfigured and my situation was perilous. I was in a lot of pain. She offered to study the Fa with me. At first when we sent righteous thoughts, we felt it was very powerful. Ms. Wu’s children returned home from school for winter break, and she had a lot of household chores. She no longer had hours of free time to study the Fa and send forth righteous thoughts with me. I felt a bit down. After the new year, Ms. Wu resumed reading the Fa, sending righteous thoughts, and looking inward with me—we did this for over eight months. Although she did her best to help me, my health still continued to decline.
I was very weak and pale by the summer of 2019. I kept coughing at night. Because of my bad cough, I could only sleep upright on a chair. I also had difficulty walking.
Choosing Modern Medicine Over Cultivation
One day when I was studying the Fa at Ms. Wu’s home, a fellow practitioner whose celestial eye was open suggested that I go to the hospital. I felt depressed. A few days later, persuaded by my family, I finally went to the hospital.
During those days in the hospital, I kept looking inward and sending forth righteous thoughts. I felt my head was very heavy; I could feel pressure from other dimensions. I felt I couldn’t eliminate the persecution of my body. While asking for Master’s help, I also asked Ms. Liu and Ms. Hu to help me. They had to overcome all kinds of difficulties to get to the hospital to send forth righteous thoughts for me. I still wanted to rely on them—I still didn’t realize that I didn’t fully believe in Master and Dafa.
When I was having chemotherapy, a practitioner couple greatly helped me. They had a clear understanding of the Fa and had strong righteous thoughts. Every time I came home from the hospital, they studied the Fa and sent forth righteous thoughts with me. They also shared with me based on the Fa principles. They could clearly feel the interference from other dimensions. Empowered by benevolent Master, I underwent great physical transformation. I developed the attachment of reliance on this couple. Many times they felt exhausted after sending righteous thoughts with me.
Inability to Eliminate Fear and Inferiority
Why did I rely so much on other practitioners? From a human perspective, it seemed I’d always had low self-esteem and was timid, negative, and complacent. I always compared my failings with other people’s strong points. After I began to cultivate, even though I changed to some extent, I was the same fundamentally. I didn’t eliminate my fear and sense of inferiority.
Whenever I ran into difficult situations in my day-to-day life, I always wanted to check with others on what to do. That was the only way I felt secure. Whenever I ran into tribulations and tests, I always wanted to talk to practitioners I felt close to. I felt this relieved me of the pressure—this was a human approach, as opposed to a practitioner’s mindset.
I didn’t put Dafa in a very sacred place, nor position my relationship with Dafa well, let alone have faith in Master and Dafa.
This manifested in many areas. For instance, when local practitioners were persecuted, my heart went up and down. I was afraid that I’d be persecuted as well. Because I feared being persecuted, I strengthened the negative factors instead of assimilating to the Fa. Master doesn’t acknowledge this persecution, so I shouldn’t acknowledge it either or be afraid of it. Instead of remembering what Master said, I remembered what some practitioners said and what they enlightened to. Especially those practitioners I trusted. I felt their understandings pointed out where I needed to do better in my cultivation, and I wanted to take this shortcut.
A Human Notion: Seeing Is Believing
After many years I would still recall sharing articles in the Minghui Weekly. I felt what they said seemed to be more specific, as if their understandings were the way to solve my problems. Yet Fa-principles are principles that we must enlighten to. What can truly help me transform and improve is Dafa--as opposed to some experiences and techniques of fellow practitioners. This came down to the fact that I was blocked by the notion of “seeing is believing” and the attachment of wanting to take a shortcut.
Thinking back over my cultivation, I remembered a dream I had a few months ago. I was writing a college entrance exam. There was only one fill-in-the-blank question that I didn’t know how to answer. I wanted to see what the person sitting next to me put down. When I became agitated, I didn’t understand why the questions I got right seemed to be incorrect. And I still kept wanting to check on someone else’s answer. Right then, half of my paper disappeared. I was very upset and I wanted to ask for another paper but the time was almost up. Suddenly, the bell rang.
The state I was in in my dream was the same as my state of mind in my day-to-day life. When I ran into trouble in my cultivation, instead of thinking about Master and treating the Fa as Master and believing in Master, I always looked outward and sought help from fellow practitioners and relied on them. When I felt one practitioner couldn’t help, I turned to another one. In the end, not only did I not make the breakthrough in the tribulation in an upright manner, but I also exhausted them when they tried to help me. Even though my physical condition improved, I didn’t enlighten from the Fa and improve my cultivation on my own.
I hope what I went through will be a wake-up call to practitioners who are still stuck in illness karma tribulations. What I learned was: Never rely on other practitioners. The more you want to rely on others, the bigger the tribulations become. Only by having faith in Master and Dafa can we snap out of tribulations.
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