I Saw My Jealousy Through Incidents Around Me

(Minghui.org) A few days ago, my daughter told me that her aunt’s family would make a fortune this year because her aunt had leased more than 250 acres of dry land and planted corn and soybeans. As the amount of rain this year has been ideal, the prospects for both harvests were really favorable. 

As the autumn harvest season approached, the chance of a bumper harvest was really high. And this year there was a subsidy for planting soybeans. If the price of food products was not an issue, if they calculated their revenue based on the normal annual price, the harvest would be worth a lot of money. Their family really would be rich. My daughter was full of joy when she told me this, because she was feeling happy for her aunt.

After hearing this, I said, “It's great. Whoever makes a fortune, it's good.” However, in my heart, I was not feeling happy for her aunt. Instead, I was feeling a bit sour. I was even thinking that if I were to work another 10 years, I would still not be able to earn the amount of money that they were going to earn in a year. When this thought came to me, I asked myself, “Why are you unhappy? What attachment is causing this unhappiness?” I looked within and found that I have an attachment of comparing myself with and vying with others. The further I looked within, I found that the source was jealousy.

Master said before, 

“In my teachings I often bring up the topic of jealousy. The reason is, jealousy plays out fiercely in China and it’s so pervasive that it has become second nature for people, and they don’t sense it in themselves.” (The Seventh Talk, Zhuan Falun)

I really hadn't realized that my jealousy was so strong. My daughter’s aunt is my sister, and I was actually jealous that my own sister was living better than me, with a higher income. I didn't even realize it. This is so scary.

When I heard that my sister’s family would have a bumper harvest this year, instead of being happy for them, I felt uneasy about it. My hypocritical heart was exposed. When I heard that others were doing well, I did not feel happy for them but would say something that did not match my true feelings. I did not want others to be better off than me. As a cultivator, not only am I not compassionate, aren't I evil? My jealousy was displayed so strongly. Now that I have caught on to this jealousy, I am going to expose it and get rid of it thoroughly. I can't let it have any tiny space to hide to cause disturbances for me anymore.

During this period of time, I recalled a matter from many years ago when I was living in my parents' old village home. We had a neighbor near our backyard. She was an old lady who had difficulty walking, so her daily life was quite tough. We had an apple tree in our backyard which grew apples that tasted good when they were very small. Every time that I went to the backyard and saw that old lady, I would pluck a few apples for her. At the time, I thought she was quite pitiful. Now I understand that I was not feeling pity for her, but I was actually looking down on her. I thought that she could not afford to buy apples. I placed myself above her and was “donating” apples to her.

I had only cultivated in Dafa for a short time then, so I did not know how to cultivate myself. I didn't know how to cultivate my heart and didn't know how to look within. So I totally had no idea that I had a dirty heart of looking down on others so deeply hidden within me. This happened so long ago, so why was it only being exposed to me now? This was because I have been looking down on the wife of the old man that I take care of. The old man dotes on his wife and couldn't bear to let her do any housework. As a result, his wife did not know how to do things and had become rather sloppy.

The old man is 81 years old this year. When they were younger, he was the one who washed their children’s diapers. During that era, these kinds of chores were usually done by the women. This goes to show how much he doted on his wife. Even before he fell ill, the old man washed all their clothes himself. The old man had been an engineer who designed bridges and he was very accomplished in his career, so he has quite a reputation in his field. Because of her husband’s influence, this old lady thought that she could order anyone to do anything for her, like she was the president.

Now that the old man is bedridden with illness, he cannot take care of himself, and much less can he look after his wife. His mind is also quite foggy. His wife had suddenly fallen from the sky to rock bottom, but she didn't want to face reality and cried when she recalled their past way of life. They had enjoyed life to the fullest, and she had placed herself high above others, before her husband had become ill. She did not know how to look after the old man. She didn't even know how to say a word of comfort to the old man. She only complains. She complained that the old man fell ill and now no one dotes on her or looks after her anymore.

I had an earful of all these complaints from the old lady, so I didn't want to live with her. I despised her and looked down on her from the bottom of my heart. I knew that this was not good, and that I should not have such an attachment, but I did not search any deeper.

After writing to this point, I have finally made myself clear about this. Although this segment of writing is about her story, I have actually been analyzing myself. I have always placed myself above others. I was just giving the old lady a few apples and I behaved as though I was donating them to her. Now that I think about it, I hate myself. Luckily, I am cultivating in Dafa, or else I would have never realized that I actually have such deep jealousy and I would have been totally oblivious to it.

I had always felt that I had cultivated myself quite well, because I was very humble. If I had not looked after the old man and seen my shortcomings in his wife, how could I realize that I still have so many things that I need to get rid of? I am really thankful to the old man’s wife for displaying so many things to help me improve in my cultivation. During this process, she went through so much hardship. But because I still didn't get it, she kept displaying this behavior for me to see. Master saw that I really did not get it, so he sent an image into my head of me giving apples to the old lady in my backyard so that I could finally get it. Thank you, Master for your benevolent salvation and not giving up on this disappointing disciple.

I must get rid of this jealousy. Like a main line, it penetrates into many aspects of my life and has brought out many bad attachments of mine. When others are not doing well, I didn't care about them and even despised and looked down on them; when others were doing well, I could not stop feeling jealous about them. I beg for Master’s strengthening to get rid of this thoroughly today.

Thank you, Master for your benevolent salvation. I want to cultivate myself well in a steadfast manner, cultivate myself based on the Fa for every minute and second, correct myself based on the Fa and do the three things well so that Master can feel more gratified instead of more worried.