Cultivation Breakthroughs after Truly Looking Inward

(Minghui.org) Several practitioners told me that their bad tempers disappeared after they began practicing Falun Dafa. I didn't completely believe them because my temper was still bad. I gradually improved, but I couldn't remain calm during conflicts. I encountered interference when I tried to memorize the Fa. I repeatedly looked inward and found many attachments, but my fundamental attachments remained.

Many things about my family bothered me. My husband often does things in a clumsy way. I can't stand the way he eats or puts on clothes. My daughter wastes money. She often casually spends tens of thousands of yuan (one U.S. dollar is about 7 yuan). Her son, my grandson, has good inborn quality, but he's been spoiled by her. My son married three years ago but still has no children. My daughter-in-law acts like a child, constantly playing games on her cell phone. My brother and sister are also practitioners but they have a lot of attachments. All these things bothered me.

The behavior of some fellow practitioners also bothered me. I sometimes couldn't restrain myself, and I criticized them. My intention was to help them, but I angered them. Many things bothered me. I knew something was wrong. I asked myself if I had a problem following Falun Dafa's principles, Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. Was I too strongly attached to emotion? Did I even have compassion? I couldn't calm down and look inward. I improved slowly even though I did the three things. 

I began to intensively read the teachings and look inward. Before I began practicing I was filled with complaints, hatred, and resentment. I was disabled and suffered from all kinds of diseases. My life was filled with hardship and had no meaning. I felt I was being blown to and fro like a leaf, and felt like a lost soul. I felt that life after death would be bitter too. I didn't know about reincarnation. 

Hatred—My Stumbling Block

My parents treated me badly because I was a girl. I had to cook and clean the house. During the famine years I was sent out to pick wild plants for food. I did all kinds of heavy labor. When I was ten years old, I had to walk about a mile to get water from a pond. Even though I worked hard my parents often beat me. We were poor, and my parents had many kids to feed as well as their own parents. Other people looked down on us. My parent's lives were miserable, so they took their anger out on me. I often thought that they couldn't possibly be my real parents. 

I left home when I was 15. My mother gave me two pieces of clothing and told me to reimburse her when I made money. Everyone says that a mother's love is nurturing and unconditional. Most mothers never expect payback from their children. I never felt that way about my mother. I didn't have a single good memory from my childhood. Over the years my hatred grew. 

One day, my daughter told me that I was mean to her when she was little and that I spanked her and cursed her. I was surprised. Since I'd had a horrible childhood, I didn't want my daughter to suffer. I didn't allow anyone to beat her. I gave her the best food and clothes. I never asked her to do any housework. She didn't do well in school, so I transferred her to different schools. When I did spank her, it was for her own good. I thought my love for her was selfless so I was surprised when she complained. 

When I looked inward, I realized that my love for my daughter wasn't selfless. I wanted her to have a good position in society, but everyone has their own fate. 

A Breakthrough after Truly Looking Inward

I recalled many things that happened over the years--issues at home, my interactions with people at work, and in society. Teacher Li helped me and I had insights into these karmic relationships. 

I realized that I had accumulated a lot of thoughts about fame, money, lust, and anger, all of which formed strong thought karma. I had a short temper, which became a stumbling block on my cultivation path. It interfered with my ability to memorize the Fa, and caused me to react inappropriately instead of remaining calm. After I had these realizations I tried to completely eliminate the source of my anger and resentment. I kept sending forth righteous thoughts but wasn't able to eliminate it. 

Whenever I read the section in Zhuan Falun “Your Main Consciousness Should Predominate,” I thought it had nothing to do with me. I never swore at Teacher Li and Dafa, so I never paid attention to this section. I just read through it. Over time I developed the notion that it didn't apply to me. 

I was surprised when I read the section this time. Why did the content seem completely different? It is short, but it’s very important for our cultivation. The fake self that Teacher often talks about, the fake self that consists of human notions and karma, is addressed in this section. Teacher asked us to cleanse ourselves every day when we send forth righteous thoughts. My understanding is that the purpose is to eliminate this fake self. Have I really cleansed myself? Have I seriously tried to eliminate my notions? I send forth righteous thoughts several times a day. If I really did it well, would the thought karma still be able to interfere with me?

If we don't eliminate everyday people’s thoughts that consist of fame, money, lust, and anger, they will enhance the thought karma. This in turn controls our minds to do bad things, and we develop bad thoughts. This thought karma makes you sleepy when you read the Fa, have negative thoughts when clarifying the truth, and causes conflicts with fellow practitioners. Manifestations of hatred, showing off, jealousy, thoughts of getting revenge, and pursuit of benefits originate from thought karma, and in turn enhance it.

I calmly looked inward. I reviewed all my past conflicts and my human notions and asked Teacher for help while I tried to cleanse my thoughts. One example of a conflict I had was when I collaborated with some fellow practitioners. We argued, so we broke up. Some of them complained to other practitioners about me. I felt uncomfortable and later I even hated them. I avoided talking to them and hoped to never see them again. This hatred turned into thought karma. On the surface I no longer thought about it, but I was still mad in my heart. Some of these practitioners were arrested, others were imprisoned. Some stopped practicing, and some even passed away. Each time I heard what happened I had the negative thought, “It's your fault for not wanting to work with me. I knew something bad would happen to you.”

Thought karma also gives rise to competitiveness, jealousy, zealotry, egotism, and rejoicing over others' tragedies. It controls our thoughts and directs our emotions. Once we're controlled by it, we may be walking on the path arranged by the old forces. Sometimes we may have demonic interference from our own minds. All these bad thoughts eventually result in strong egotism. We may begin to think that our understanding is absolutely correct and place ourselves in a very high position.

I kept reading Zhuan Falun and looking inward. I repeatedly read the sections, “Loss and Gain” and “Transformation of Karma.” As I repeatedly read these two sections I found that all my hatred, complaints, things that bothered me, and my worries were all gone, and every single cell in my body felt comfortable. Dafa eliminated my qing and the attachments which originated from it. The people and things that bothered me did not change, but they no longer bothered me. To my surprise I found that I was able to recite these two sections. I know this is because Teacher helped me eliminate the thought karma. 

Teacher said, 

“Most people, however, can remove and resist it with very strong thoughts from themselves (a strong Main Consciousness). With this, it indicates that this person can be saved and can distinguish good from bad. In other words, the person has good enlightenment quality. My fashen will help eliminate the most of such thought karma. This situation is seen frequently. Once it transpires, one will be tested to see if one can overcome such bad thoughts on one’s own. If one is determined, the karma can be eliminated.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun, 2000 Translation)

My heart is now peaceful and calm. Nothing bothers me anymore. The old me, who was mean to my husband, disappeared. I now treat other people nicely, and peacefully. My relationships with my family as well as with fellow practitioners are now harmonious.

Teacher will help us if we can read the Fa calmly, genuinely cultivate, truly try to improve, and Teacher saved us, eliminated our karma, and taught us the boundless Dafa. We are Fa-rectification period disciples. We must cherish this precious opportunity, diligently cultivate, and save more people. This is the only way we can repay Teacher's compassionate salvation.