Finding My Hidden Attachment to Reputation

(Minghui.org) After nearly two decades of cultivation, I found the source of an attachment that had plagued me for many years. I want to share my insights with my fellow cultivators in case any of them are also stuck in this tribulation.

As a Dafa disciple, I made a habit of being kind, helpful, and generous. When others criticized me, harmed me, or took advantage of me, I would not retaliate and would do my best to look inside for my own attachments. Of course, this is how we should act as Dafa cultivators. However, I struggled to distinguish between being kind and selfless with my own fears that other people might be upset, angry, or disappointed in me. I was also afraid that they would look down on me or that I would be humiliated. I was attached to what people thought of me. Therefore, I was attached to myself and my reputation.

I hid these fears from myself and others by displaying a kind and calm outward demeanor, as if I didn’t let anything bother me. However, as more and more people took advantage of me, my anger eventually grew and became harder to control.

For several years, I owned a business and allowed both my employees and customers to take advantage of me to the point that my own life became very difficult and the business ultimately failed. I didn’t hold people accountable for their work, and I didn’t fulfill my responsibilities as a boss and supervisor. Nothing was more difficult than having to fire someone, and I would put it off for weeks and spend days fretting over it.

Master wrote:

“In order to save one’s reputation, what’s on one’s mind while treating illness? “Please let me have this illness so that the patient can be healed.” That is not out of compassion, as one’s attachments to fame and self-interest have not been given up at all. This person is unable to develop this compassion one bit. He is afraid of losing his reputation.” (Lecture Two, Zhuan Falun)

Although I did look inside and find some of my more obvious attachments, various notions acted as forms of self-deception that kept me from seeing the true nature of the situation. I told myself things that kept me from seeing my deeply hidden fears. For example, I told myself that I didn’t want to control others and that I had no interest in holding power. I told myself that confronting people or holding them accountable would not improve their performance anyway. The truth was that I was afraid they would be upset or disappointed with me, so I tried to treat everyone as a friend. But by doing so, I did not demonstrate the principles of Dafa or rectify warped notions at the human level.

I deceived myself by telling myself that they all knew that I practiced Dafa, so I needed to show them the demeanor of a Dafa disciple. The truth was that, if I had truly let go of my attachments, I could have fulfilled my responsibilities and displayed the demeanor of a Dafa disciple at the same time.

Master Li wrote:

“During the Fa-rectification, Dafa disciples have a different situation from when personal cultivation was done in the past. In the face of the groundless harming, in the face of the persecution of Dafa, and in the face of the injustice forced upon us, we cannot handle things or categorically accept things as before in personal cultivation, because Dafa disciples are now in the Fa-rectification period. If a problem isn’t caused by our own attachments or mistakes, then it must be that the evil is interfering or doing bad things.” (“Fa-Rectification and Cultivation,” Essentials for Further Advancement II)

Even after I made some progress on these issues in my work situation, they followed me home and I was stuck in long-term tribulations with my wife, my fellow cultivator. This situation was even harder to handle, and we wasted many hours and days we could have used to clarify the truth and validate the Fa, stuck in endless, irrational arguments. I tried to listen carefully and understand my wife’s perspective, to be kind, forgiving, and compassionate, while looking inside.

None of these efforts yielded significant results, however. This confused me, because when I found my attachments in the past, my environment would change immediately, just like Master described. I could see that my actions were not perfect, but I felt I was extremely kind and generous and gave everything I knew how to give to be a good husband and father.

The reality was that I was afraid my wife would be angry with me and see me as selfish or cruel. Indeed, these very accusations were what would pull me back into arguments to defend myself. The deeper and more powerful attachments were to my own reputation! My efforts to look within didn’t work because I was deceiving myself when it came to what I really saw.

I had confused the kind and compassionate consideration of a practitioner with the human fear that other people would think badly of me. I was also embarrassed that I could really be so meek when it came to other people taking advantage of me, because I didn’t see myself that way. It was only when I started to really see my attachments for what they were and I firmly refused to participate in any further “discussions” that the situation finally changed. I felt I had become a new person, and I felt that a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My wife also completely changed her attitude toward me without having to discuss, argue, or “figure things out.”

I came to realize that giving in to others is not the same as being selfless and that looking inside doesn’t mean that we should not take appropriate actions to stop other people’s damaging actions toward us. Being kind does not mean allowing others to take advantage of our kindness to do bad deeds. Just because someone might not like what we do or they have hurt feelings does not mean that it is the wrong action to take. Of course, we should not use this as an excuse to go to the other extreme. We have to hold onto righteous thoughts and judge our actions and words based on the Fa!

Master wrote:

“If someone says that you are good, you may not really be good. If someone says that you are bad, you may not really be bad. This is because the criteria that evaluate good and bad have been distorted. Only one who complies with this characteristic of the universe is a good person.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)

I need to keep these principles in mind in the future and be sure not to get stuck in this tribulation again. I need to be prepared to act with righteous thoughts and actions and not let any fears or passivity stop me.

Fellow cultivators, please point out anything inappropriate, or additional understandings.