Changing from Looking Externally to Looking Within

(Minghui.org) My cultivation state, in hindsight, was not very good after I was released from detention. This in turn led to a chain of misunderstandings between myself and other practitioners in my area.

Feeling Left Out

I used to be part of a team that went to the countryside to clarify the truth. Because of my negative cultivation state, they eventually organized a new team without me, and kept this a secret from me.

When I finally heard about this, I began resenting these practitioners, and blamed them for not helping me when I needed it most. In the past, all the truth-clarification materials were kept at my house. I was now completely left out.

Looking at the issue from Fa principles, I knew that they did this out of safety concerns, and the greater good of other practitioners. But I still felt wronged because they had left me alone. Even though I felt a bit better after looking inward, the victim mentality still took over from time to time and caused me to become upset. This eventually became a permanent problem that continuously nagged at me.

A fellow practitioner from my area, Mei, told me in May 2014, that our area had started a Fa-study group in 2013. She calmly explained why they had not told me about it until now, and hoped I would understand. I seemed to. I appeared unaffected, and told Mei that there was no need for them to tell me everything.

However, after I left Mei, I became teary. I tried to hide my emotions so that other people wouldn't see. All the old issues seemed to come up at once. I thought I understood that they didn't let me participate in truth-clarification for safety, but why group Fa-study as well? I needed help the most right now, and no one seemed to care about me.

Mei wanted to talk with me some more in the afternoon the same day, but I could no longer control my emotions and broke down in front of her. The more she tried to explain things, the more emotional I became. I felt like a failure. Was I really that bad in their eyes?

Seeing my reaction, Mei was only more convinced that I was unstable and needed some time to cool down.

I felt so insignificant and unreasonable compared to everyone else. That was what I felt in my heart at that time, and the rational side of me knew that it was wrong.

Looking Past the Victim Mentality

I tried very hard to look within myself after I returned home. Each time I began to blame others, I stopped myself from thinking that way and forced myself to scrutinize my own actions again. I found many attachments this way, but it wasn't an easy process.

My human notions kept popping back up again and again, and I had to suppress and eliminate them each time. I told myself that I cannot expect fellow practitioners to be able to help me when I am in such a volatile state. It was not their fault; if I had cultivated well and could be of help, they'd naturally come and find me. I was not entitled to their help.

Though I tried very hard to let go of my attachments, the next day I still felt very wronged and cried a little.

I focused on trying to discipline my thoughts. I told myself that I must keep looking inward, past the victim mentality. That way, the old forces would not be able to take advantage of my loopholes and compromise the whole group of practitioners. I must eliminate this resentment, as it is not mine. I asked Master to help me.

I suddenly felt light-hearted and relaxed. All of my emotional grievances disappeared. I kept thanking Master and my fellow practitioners in my heart. Grateful tears welled up in my eyes. Looking within is truly amazing! Having faith in Master and truly cultivating is wonderful!

I was very thankful for this opportunity to improve my xinxing.

The Final Reconciliation

Things didn't end here, however. I soon began feeling wronged again, and started picking at other practitioners' shortcomings. It got to the point where this issue bothered me all day, and I came up with excuses to justify my criticism of others. I wasn't focusing on how to improve myself at all. I was only worried that other practitioners might think I was not cultivating well.

Thought karma began to grow as I kept rationalizing, and eventually I found it hard to read experience-sharing articles as well. I felt mentally exhausted as I tried to reject my attachments. No matter how strong they were at times, I kept rejecting them.

I decided to write a letter to Mei that night, since my emotional reaction must have caused her a lot of trouble. I wanted to try and clear things out so that these attachments would not cause future problems.

In the beginning, I intended to stress all of my emotional grievances in the letter so that Mei would feel guilty when she realized how badly I was hurt by what she said. However, as I kept writing, these thoughts disappeared and I began focusing more on how to reduce the negative impact on her. All I could see now were my own faults and where I had gone wrong in all of this. The more I wrote, the more they became apparent to me.

This process was not one without negative thoughts and human notions, but I made sure to reject them, and kept looking within myself and not towards other practitioners. I couldn't let the old forces take advantage of this situation.

I found many attachments through this process. I had a strong attachment to self-protection and was unable to endure criticism. I always focused on myself and my own feelings. I was often jealous, often arrogant, and had an inferiority complex. I was also attached to validating myself, seeking fame, and looking down upon fellow practitioners.

In fact, during this time, another practitioner who wasn't able to leave her house had invited me to her home to study the Fa with her. But I turned her down, looking down upon her as someone who hadn't cultivated well. I wanted to be with practitioners who were “well-known” for their achievements. I wanted their approval, because it would mean that I was useful and doing well in cultivation.

With such heavy attachments, it was no surprise that I felt so miserable when I was excluded. I was also worried that other people might think that I didn't cultivate well, so I tried to use Master's teachings to mask my attachments.

I've now realized where I fell short, and want to say that it was all my fault. I want to eliminate those bad thoughts. After all, cultivation is one's own matter. When fellow practitioners try to help me improve, and yet I still don't cultivate myself, how could I have improved?

For a long time, I was holding onto the divine with one hand and humanity with the other, and would relinquish neither. I only wanted to benefit from Dafa without working hard and looking within myself, and I even lost faith in Master and Dafa during a critical moment. All this was the result of my inconsistent cultivation. How could I possible blame other practitioners? Here, I would like to sincerely apologize. I am the one that was in the wrong.

Thank you, revered Master. Thank you, fellow practitioners.