(Minghui.org) Shortly after the Minghui editorial “Giving Speeches Amounts to Disrupting the Fa” was published, I experienced severe interference. Almost every day I felt exhausted. After I corrected the state by sending righteous thoughts for a long time, it returned the next day.
At the same time, there was a lot of interference at home. It took a lot of effort just to leave the house and clarify the truth. Even then, I wasn't very effective.
For some time, I didn't even know to look inward or what to look for. I knew I had big problems. I thought I had examined myself comprehensively; however, I was stuck in tribulations.
Master gave me hints during that time, but my strong attachment to showing off blocked my senses. After hearing practitioners' discussion about the Minghui editorial “Giving Speeches Amounts to Disrupting the Fa,” I finally woke up: My on and off inertia in cultivation was due to “Giving Speeches Amounts to Disrupting the Fa.”
I would like to share with you how I slowly came to this realization.
I had a strong attachment to showing off and to my reputation. I was also attached to my eloquence. Oftentimes, I used the Fa principles to show how expressive I was and that I had enlightened to higher principles and knew more than other practitioners.
I didn't even realize that I was already sabotaging the Fa!
When those who are not on the Fa admired me, I covered up my attachment with a sly approach: “You mustn't do that. You mustn't admire me. Everything comes from the power of the Fa. If you continue admiring me like this, I will never see you again because you are not on the Fa.”
Even though I said that, I was concealing a deeper attachment. Whenever I went to a different place, in a short time, fellow practitioners started to admire me. Every time, I looked inward in a superficial way. I let go of many attachments. However, once I moved to another place, the same issue came up. I have been painstakingly resisting the attachments and looking inward.
In the end, practitioners in my family asked me to share my experiences. Even though I was supposed to be “experience sharing,” I was actually giving speeches about my understanding of the Fa.
It was just like Master said in “If the Attachment to Showing Off Isn’t Eliminated, the Danger is Great:”
“There are always some among our students who wish to display their brilliance, to show how learned they are, or how lofty their realizations are. Sooner or later they get into trouble.”
When I shared with fellow practitioners, on the surface, I talked about the process of my solid cultivation. However, my approach contained elements of showing off.
For example, when I talked about conflicts with fellow practitioners, I often talked about how I treated the Fa as teacher and looked inward but then described the fellow practitioners' attachments. I used my fellow practitioners to showcase how well I had cultivated.
Listeners couldn't tell that I wasn't on the Fa. They would even be inspired; that is the power of the Fa principles.
The old forces saw my slyness and set a trap for me.
For example, I helped fellow practitioners overcome sickness karma tribulations. When I saw them elevating in the Fa, I was happy. But my show-off mentality was also reinforced.
Since I obtained the Fa in March 1998, the show-off mentality has been one of my biggest challenges. Sometimes all of my thinking comes from the show-off mentality. From the very beginning, Master has been reminding me.
Whenever I got compliments from fellow practitioners after sharing at a Fa conference, Master's words appeared in my mind:
“Those who are attached to their reputations practice an evil way, full of intention. Once they gain renown in this world, they are bound to say good but mean evil, thereby misleading the public and undermining the Fa.” (“Cultivators’ Avoidances” in “Essentials for Further Advancement”)
Even though I stopped going to Fa conferences and only interacted with practitioners at my local group study, I didn't fundamentally negate the old forces' arrangement of magnifying my show-off mentality to sabotage the Fa.
I have learned my lesson the hard way. Oftentimes I couldn't study the Fa with a calm heart. Lack of good Fa study was the source of all of my problems.