Thoughts After Reading, "Only by Being Completely Selfless Can We Deny the Old Forces' Arrangements"
(Minghui.org) After reading the article "Only by Being Completely Selfless Can We Deny the Old Forces' Arrangements" on the Minghui website, I kept mulling it over in my mind. I was recently faced with a life and death tribulation because of human emotion. I also noticed many practitioners struggling with tribulations that arose from attachments of a similar nature. I hope that my experience will serve as a warning for those who refuse to give up long-term human notions or attachments.
I began the practice of Falun Dafa because I wanted to get married. My wish came true and I married a practitioner. Two years ago, Teacher hinted to me that I was still mired in a sentimental attachment to my husband, but I just ignored it. Earlier this year, I discovered that my husband was dating another practitioner, although it had not culminated in sexual relations.
I believed my husband had a good understanding of the Fa as he had passed many other tests openly and nobly. Nevertheless, because of his long-term notions and attachments, and not studying the Fa diligently due to a heavy workload, the evil exploited his gap. After a close practitioner friend told me of the relationship, I confronted my husband. He realized the danger this relationship caused to his cultivation, so he ended it.
Two months passed but I still felt hurt from finding out about my husband's indiscretion. Whenever I pictured my husband and this lady together, I felt as if a knife was tearing my heart apart. I knew that the pain came from my emotional attachment, which I held onto tightly. It had become so strong that I couldn't overcome the tribulation. The old forces tried to drag me down and destroy me. Sadly, for a long time I did not have sufficient righteous thoughts and was thus hanging in limbo. I was unable to snap out of it, couldn't concentrate studying the Fa, and thus tortured myself continuously. This state affected everything I had been doing as a Fa rectification period Dafa disciple. I even no longer participated in Falun Dafa projects. At night, I knelt down in front of Teacher's picture, crying uncontrollably and begging Teacher to help me pass this tribulation.
Then I read what Teacher said,
"We are practitioners—what do we need qi for in the practice? Our own bodies need to be purified. Why should we need that impure qi? Definitely not. A person who wants qi is still at the level of qi. Being at that level of qi, he cannot distinguish good qi from bad qi, as he does not have that ability." (Zhuan Falun)
As I read this paragraph, Teacher helped me understand that affection between a man and a woman is everyday people's emotions. Since I wanted affection, I was lowering myself to the level of everyday people, without the ability to see whether affection was good or bad, and I held on to it tightly, as if it was a treasure.
I didn't want to be on the level of everyday people. After I understood the Fa teachings about these matters, when heartache attacked me, I reasoned that the pain was a matter of everyday people and that unfortunately it was holding me at the level of everyday people. Once that thought entered my mind, the pain disappeared immediately. At that moment, I thought I was letting go of my fundamental attachment. However, I couldn't completely letting go of this pain, and it returned on and off. Also, my husband had become increasingly more affectionate, exceptionally nice, and protective of me, trying to make up for his misstep.
Yesterday my husband and I went to visit practitioner A. Practitioner A was not there and we met practitioner B, who was dating practitioner A. They were very close. After talking to B, I learned that the two were stuck with severe conflicts because of their long-term notions and attachments. It seemed that the pressure was interfering with their cultivation.
Afterwards, I asked myself, "What should I learn from A and B's story? I just went through a similar tribulation. Why did I have to see it again? There must be a notion or attachment that I haven't yet discovered." To my surprise, I realized that I was only trying to stop the pain because of my understanding of the Fa principles. But I hadn't put what I learned into practice. Therefore, the pain recurred and my affection for my husband grew more intense.
After realizing that I was using the Fa, I understood that I had to look within and had to regard this fundamental attachment more seriously. Letting go of the affection between man and woman seemed liked the hardest thing to do. I then realized that the way of life of everyday people still had great influence over me. Teacher once taught us that all of the matters at this level are as if it's dirt. I told myself bravely, "I can let it go."
Later, just like peeling an onion, I noticed more fundamental attachments behind the man-woman affection -- the attachment to self. At that moment, I finally grasped the nature of my tribulation.
Over the past years, my validating the Fa was constantly being mentioned and highly praised, and thus my head got bigger and bigger. Deep in my mind, I was greedy for recognition, such as being told that because of me so much Fa work was successful. It was the arrogance and my attachments that allowed the evil to almost kill me.
I felt enlightened and relaxed. All the attachments reflected in my tribulation, such as jealousy, competitiveness, complaining, grudges, vengeance, lust, and dependence suddenly seemed to have moved far away, and compassion emerged in my heart.