Discovering the Cause of Indifference in My Heart
(Clearwisdom.net) Sometimes I felt very distressed because when I looked inward, I failed to find any attachment I needed to let go. My looking inward was simply a surface level review of myself, lacking depth, and so it didn't touch my heart. I found that I became indifferent or cold in my heart over the progress of my cultivation. I had no interest in anything and even felt dispirited.
I wanted to know where the source of my problem was. I sat in front of Teacher's portrait and begged Teacher to help me dig out the root of the problem, so I wouldn't give the evil forces the opportunity to find loopholes and persecute me.
Suddenly I thought of something Teacher said in Zhuan Falun:
“...the substance cannot be known by everyday people.”
An image appeared in my mind. There was another being in that image, and this being was surrounded by a lot of things. This being, which was a mirror image of me, was in an intoxicated state and wore a fixed smile on its face. It wanted nothing more than enjoyment and to be intoxicated. It was lying on a comfortable bed and lazily enjoying praises. A lot of lives were on their knees, singing praises; they had the image of little devils. On seeing the truth, this being didn't wake up, but still felt that it was quite good and so remained in that intoxicated state. Therefore, there were no divine beings, no Dafa and no sentient beings were at its side.
I found that my attachment of seeking fame was surrounding me and holding me tight in its thrall. It was strengthened by all of the bad factors in my environment and had achieved a solid state. My strong attachment had formed a mirror image of me, and I couldn't overcome its deception.
Since I had this attachment, I paid a lot of attention to whether an article I wrote was published on Clearwisdom. It was as if the website existed just for me. I wrote articles for fame, not for harmonizing the website.
Now, I realize that the creation of the website was for the purpose of saving sentient beings, and it has been playing a positive role because of Dafa's power. My attachment to fame could only pollute the website if my article was published. All of this was related to the state of my xinxing. Even if the article was published, it would not matter if I didn't improve my xinxing.
“Those who are attached to their reputations practice an evil way, full of intention. Once they gain renown in this world, they are bound to say good but mean evil, thereby misleading the public and undermining the Fa.” (“Cultivators’ Avoidances” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I realized that for a practitioner, the most dangerous thing in seeking fame is that it could undermine the Fa. This is a very serious matter.
When I had asked Teacher to help me find the degeneration buried deep in me, I thought of relying on Teacher's guidance. Because of this thought of reliance, it was the human kind of entreating and not really a practitioner asking Teacher for support or guidance in a very serious manner and with great respect. I realized that this was a kind of sticky substance that was controlling my reasoning. It prompted me not to participate in any activities or cooperate with others, and it created a barrier. Since I had this attachment, I failed to find my own path, but instead remained stuck in that state. Without a breakthrough, I would have remained in that realm forever. If I continued to carry this attachment, I would be unable to reach godhood.
Recently a practitioner organized an activity. Since something needed his immediate attention one day, he was unable to look after the activity and asked me to replace him for that day. However, I refused because of selfishness. After coming back home, I coughed heavily. I realized that when I had pushed away the one-body cultivation environment, some kind of a negative substance pressed into my body. Actually, the one-body cultivation environment is really powerful; it is the most effective environment for cultivation.
When purifying my thoughts a step further, I found that my cultivation was based on selfishness. Therefore, I didn't want others to interfere with anything I was doing. I did not want other people to bother and disturb me. Because of this selfishness, I only paid attention to my cultivation; I would not even extend normal greetings to my relatives and friends. I only had my eyes on what I was doing, but failed to have an awareness or a concept of one body. I created this coldness in my environment and my world. As a result, no one dared to get close to me. Worse still, I cunningly used Dafa to cover up the notions that I did not want to let go and continued with my unkind actions.
When I realized this, I felt very much ashamed for what I had done. It has been such a long period of time, and yet I haven't learned how to cultivate. I wasted a lot of time. It was the selfishness that slackened my vigilance. I realized that attachment and that it drained the energy of the one body. To think about things with human thoughts is an attachment. As cultivators, we must not think about things with human thoughts, but think about things from the perspective of the Fa. No matter how detailed or planned your thought is, it has no comparison to the Fa.
I enlightened to the inner meaning of Teacher's words, “...'the Fa cultivates practitioners'” (Zhuan Falun). We must use the Fa to guide us because this is the best way.