(Clearwisdom.net) I am a veteran Dafa practitioner who started the practice in late 1995. The following are some of my experiences and understandings.
Before I started Dafa cultivation, I was very dissatisfied with society and the current political situation. Early in my cultivation, this attachment was still present. Even though Teacher published his lecture "Cultivation is not Politics," I thought it had nothing to do with me since I did not have the ambition to use Dafa to get involved in politics. This thought disguised my dissatisfaction with society and the current political state, and I didn't try to rid myself of this attachment. Over the years, as Dafa and Dafa disciples were viscously persecuted, my attachment grew into great dissatisfaction and resentment toward the political rule of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). My dissatisfaction and resentment were very obvious every time I talked to people about the persecution. I didn't have sufficient compassion to save sentient beings. Whenever I opened my mouth I merely expressed my discontent, and the result was naturally not good. The people I talked with either changed the subject, found an excuse to walk away, or even accused me of being anti-Party and involved in politics. Thus my truth clarification was always unsuccessful. Through this fault, the evil forces further interfered with me. I was made very depressed and disappointed, and I even wanted to give up my truth-clarifying efforts.
I later found that the root cause of my discontent with society and the political system was jealousy. Prior to cultivating, I had had a lot of twists and turns in my life. My goals in life had met with bitter disappointment. I was treated unfairly in my job allocation, and I was further disappointed by my poor health and lack of energy. All of these caused me to complain and be resentful. Luckily I obtained the Fa, and from the Fa, this uneasy heart of mine found some comfort. Unfortunately I was slandered and persecuted by the CCP, which aggravated my uneasiness. My resentment toward the CCP and its rule had sunk into my bones, yet I was not aware of it.
With my disturbed heart, what kind of message could ordinary people receive from me when I talked about the persecution of Dafa? With this condition, how could I clear away the poisonous notions spread into people's minds by the CCP? How could I awaken their compassion and conscience? The answer is that it was not possible. Only with compassion can we save people, only with the power of compassion can we touch people's hearts and save them. I saw that this lack of compassion was my biggest hindrance when trying to clarify the truth. If I cannot eliminate my jealousy, how could I have compassion? What can I use to save people? I have to eliminate this attachment immediately.
Another hidden aspect of resentment toward society is the sense of regarding oneself too highly, looking down upon other people and regarding yourself as always correct. My boss used to be the head of a mafia gang, and he was very domineering, despotic, self-centered and opinionated. I feared him as well as despised him. I was very discontented with him. On the surface I did not complain and was nice towards him, but in my heart, I loathed him. I often sent forth such bad thoughts towards him. Although he appeared to be very respectful towards me, due to my secret thoughts and feelings, he was also unhappy with me under the surface. He was confrontational about Dafa and had once helped the CCP persecute me. Yet, at another time he safeguarded me, but I still loathed him in my heart. Several times, Teacher prodded me through the words of fellow practitioners, but I only dealt with my problem superficially. I didn't truly recognize my attachment and thus could not eliminate it from the root. This problem also led to the deterioration of my work environment. Meanwhile, the evil caused my boss to become worse and worse. One day in July 2009, he put me under house confinement for one whole day. That day I completely recognized my jealousy attachment and decided to make a great effort to eliminate it. Whenever my jealousy surfaced, I repeled it and eliminated it, and my jealousy has since become weaker and weaker. I can now vaguely begin to feel compassion for my boss. I know I should not resent him, but rather I should try whole-heartedly to save him.
I had a big ego and always looked down upon other people. My wife is a fellow practitioner, and I always felt that I studied the Fa better than she. I therefore always looked down upon her. As a result, whenever she pointed out any of my shortcomings, I never took it seriously. More often I would start a fight with her when she pointed out something to me. Only after the fight would I look inside. I was always like this - cultivating my heart in a passive way and not sobering up until after a good slap on the face. With my attachments to ego, pride and vanity, I could not take criticism, and I would jump up if criticized. In particular, I could not take the criticism from my wife. As a result, the friction between us was non-stop. After Teacher's lecture "Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles" was published, I became aware of this attachment, however I still did not cultivate myself with a true heart, and my old problem remained. I still could not take criticism. Not until the publication of Teacher's lecture "Fa Teaching Given in Manhattan" did I make up my mind to eradicate this bad habit. Recently my wife bombarded me with several various criticisms. I was clearly aware that her complaints were aimed at my inability to accept criticism. Twice now I have endured these criticisms without fighting back, but I still feel very uneasy and awkward in my heart.
I came to understand that my disliking criticism was also caused by my jealousy. It caused me to be narrow-minded and closed-minded with a lack of tolerance. Why must I always fight back whenever offended, and talk back viscously without any compassion? Would a god care what people say about him? If people said he is good or bad, he would not care at all and not be bothered. I should take this matter very seriously and strive to improve quickly, and I should completely eradicate this heart of not being able to take criticism.
These are some of my personal understandings. Fellow practitioners, please help correct any inappropriateness.
January 7, 2010
