(Clearwisdom.net) After repeatedly studying Master's lecture, "Fa Teaching at the 2009 Greater New York International Fa Conference," I realized that my biggest problem was that I lacked a sense of responsibility. I didn't want to make my own effort. Instead I used the tools and materials that others had created. I had this problem both at home and at work.
Because I lacked responsibility, I went about doing things casually, and I didn't have perseverance. Therefore, when I needed to cook at home, I didn't know where to start and didn't have a plan. In validating the Fa, I always wanted to save my own effort and use materials produced by others. I was unwilling to take on too much responsibility. I was just like an old cow dragging a cart and needed someone to whip me so that I would move forward slowly. I knew that this state was not right and tried to find the reason through Fa study, but I did not have any breakthroughs.
Teacher said, "Here's an example. While you might have played a positive role during Fa-rectification, there would remain the question: did you fulfill your responsibilities to the utmost degree?" "But ultimately, no matter how you are made to stand and face Fa-rectification and yourself, if you have failed to do well, you will truly be considered responsible." ("Fa Teaching at the 2009 Greater New York International Fa Conference") Teacher's words went straight to my heart. What I lacked was exactly that: taking responsibility for things and people.
I started looking inside. What was it that made me so laid back that I dared not to take on responsibilities? I discovered that it was fear, fear that my self-interests would be affected and fear that I would be embarrassed if I failed to do well. When I dug deeper, I found that it was an attachment to fame and self-interest. Fearing that people would look down on me or that my self-interests would be affected is conceited and selfish.
In addition, I found that there were elements of the vicious Party culture in my mind. That is, in any situation, my first thought would be to protect myself. Although I would not harm others intentionally, I dared not to help those who were in difficult situations. I was afraid that I would be affected. I feared the implication policy of the CCP. Although I detest the ideology of the CCP, I subconsciously developed the self-protection mindset after being poisoned by the Party culture for nearly twenty years.
I realized that as long as we study the Fa diligently and keep strong righteous thoughts, we can eliminate all evil. I didn't do well because my righteous thoughts were not strong enough. In my heart, I held on to the impure and deviated elements from the past. I have failed to completely believe in Teacher. Therefore, I was afraid of the CCP and was attached to my own self-interest.
This is just my present understanding. Please point out anything inappropriate. Thank you.
