(Clearwisdom.net) I'm a young Dafa disciple who obtained the Fa more than ten years ago. During the past ten years, I have experienced several tests of sickness karma, but none was serious enough to threaten my life. Although I wasn't doing the exercises as diligently as I could have, my body was in pretty good condition. In addition, I never thought that I would suffer such a severe tribulation where my body would be persecuted so seriously, since we have reached this stage in Fa-rectification today and each Dafa disciple is trying his or her best to help Master rectify the Fa and save sentient beings. This tribulation lasted for a month and a half. During that period, several times I felt that I was on the verge of death, but I was able to overcome it by finding and eliminating my attachments at different levels. I would like to share my experience, hoping to provide a reference for fellow practitioners.
1. Group Fa-study, doing the exercises, and experience sharing are the cultivation methods that Master left for us. Separated from the collective body one is susceptible to attacks from the evil.
One evening in early July 2009, I felt a little bit out of sorts, but I didn't pay attention to it and went to bed early. After a while, I woke up to check whether it was time to send forth righteous thoughts. However, I was struck with severe abdominal pain that made me fall and thrash back and forth on the floor. I called out, "Master save me!" in my heart as I looked for Master's Fa teaching audio lecture to listen to. I forced myself to engrave every word that Master said in my mind. After a while the pain eased up and I fell asleep. The next morning, the abdominal pain was still very serious and I couldn't eat.
I kept studying the Fa, doing the exercises, and sending forth righteous thoughts, but I felt very weak. In the middle of the following night, the severe abdominal pain struck again and it was beyond my limit of endurance. I desperately asked Master for help. I finally made it to the next morning by listening to Master's lectures. Nothing changed, and I was in the same condition that day. There was nothing I could eat and I could only drink water. What I vomited was all green bile.
On the third evening, some fellow practitioners learned about about my condition. They came to my house to study the Fa with me and helped me send forth righteous thoughts. They later helped me decipher what attachments may have given the old forces the opportunity to persecute me. I always thought that I did the three things well, with the exception of the exercises, which I seldom do. I was quite willing to do things to validate the Fa and always encouraged fellow practitioners to do more. How could have ended up in this serious condition?
Looking back several days before, the only thing I felt lacking in diligence was that I was deeply attached to my daughter. The attachments that I hadn't clearly removed included the mentality of showing off, the attachment of zealotry, the competitive mentality, and jealousy--in addition to those bad habits developed from the culture of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), such as regarding myself as infallible and lacking respect for others--I had already recognized and was removing them at that time. Therefore, they couldn't be the weakness that led to the persecution. Fellow practitioners also pointed out that I considered my daughter more as my child, rather than a Dafa disciple.
I was adamant that I could pass that test after I had found out the attachment. However, the pain struck again for the third time. At that moment, I felt I had no strength at all to overcome it. I asked my husband (a fellow practitioner) to send emails about my condition to the local email group in order to ask fellow practitioners to help send forth righteous thoughts. I was in bed, extremely weak. After half a day passed, I felt a little better. The righteous support from fellow practitioners had this effect. I got up to eat something and no longer vomited.
That evening, fellow practitioners came to tell me that at one group exercise site, everyone left to help send forth righteous thoughts after finishing the exercises. I was deeply moved and realized my predicament of being separated from the cultivation method that Master left for us. Due to my work schedule, I rarely attended the local group Fa-study, exercises, and experience sharings. However, because I did a lot of media tasks, I thought that I was never apart from the collective whole. No wonder Master emphasized to disciples who do media tasks that no one should stay away from the local group exercise site. Once a disciple is isolated, he or she will become easy prey for the evil to persecute.
2. "Can't take criticism" or "being attached to who is right or wrong" are both to protect one's own interests. This kind of cultivation is false.
I thought I had finally overcome this test, but the difficult one came later. I didn't suffer serious pain, so I tried to do whatever I should do and didn't pay attention to my body. At the beginning, it was a little hard to walk. Several days later, I suffered serious ascites and my abdomen expanded like a woman six or seven months' pregnant. It became hard to move and I gradually had no strength to speak. From the Minghui/Clearwisdom website, I saw the photos of fellow practitioners who were persecuted. They were emaciated but had huge abdomens. My abdomen was almost the same size. I thought it was the old forces that were persecuting me. What attachment was it that I hadn't uncovered so that the old forces could exploit me?
It was just a few days before the 2009 Washington DC international Fa conference. My husband went to DC earlier to clarify the truth. I lived with my four-and-a-half-year-old daughter, but I had no strength to cook for her. However, my daughter, who was often naughty, became very good during that period. I was in bed and couldn't move. Then she sat beside me and read Hong Yin. I had thought she only knew a few words, but at that time there were only several words she didn't know. After reading Hong Yin to me, she came and tugged at me saying, "Mom, you can't stay in bed like this, you should get up to do the exercises." She also told me, "When you are doing the exercises, your body is full of energy. How dare the evil come?"
Indeed, I felt better while I was doing the exercises and sending forth righteous thoughts. But once I stopped, I became weak again. My daughter played well by herself. She even wrote many Chinese words that I had never taught her. I was thinking then that it was Master who was taking care of her.
When my daughter and I were on the trip to DC, I felt I was almost dying. I reluctantly started to think about my death. How would it be after I died? I was not afraid at all then and had nothing that I couldn't give up. I even had a feeling of relief. But I immediately realized that if I really died like this, it would have a negative impact on Dafa. All my family and friends knew that in order to practice Falun Dafa faithfully, I had dropped everything in China and gone abroad to make a new start. If I died like this, what would they think? The CCP might use this opportunity to slander Dafa. In addition, since I was still young and I had some skills, I could do many things if I remained alive. I could not go away! I denied in my mind all the thoughts of death.
Suddenly, a part of the Fa from "Lecture at the First Conference in North America" came into my mind,
"If you, as a cultivator, only part with things superficially while deep down inside you still stick to something or cling to your own vital interests that you don't allow to be undermined, I'd say to you that your cultivation is fake!"
I felt that it was Master enlightening me after seeing that I had difficulty finding my problem. But I was a bit unwilling to submit, thinking that I had already given up my so-called future, career, and interests that are very important for everyday people. What was the exact nature of the shortcoming in my heart? If it existed, Master would have given me hints to expose it to me in the past years. Of course, I might not have realized it.
Looking back on the past years, I experienced little conflict. My husband and my daughter came to America just for a short time. Before that, I was living with another fellow practitioner. We were like sisters, but sometimes we ran into conflicts. Each time a conflict occurred, it was because this practitioner blamed me for trifles and I was unhappy to hear her criticism. Even though I could bear it at the time, I was still very annoyed. Sometimes when I couldn't forebear, I argued with her, creating a multitude of sins and accusing her of being unreasonable and interfering with me. After the conflict, I regretted it and know that I was the one who was wrong. Each time I knew the situation was for me to cultivate my forbearance, and I didn't deeply consider much about what precise attachment the conflict reflected. Therefore, I missed those cultivation opportunities that Master arranged for me.
I didn't pay attention to the tests and thought they were trifles. Were they really so serious? I looked inside myself. Why didn't I let others criticize me? Why was I so unhappy when I was criticized? Weren't my thoughts of enjoying an everyday person's life and reputation the result of being moved? Didn't I just want to protect my own interests? Wasn't my cultivation fake?
After studying Master's "Fa Teaching Given in Manhattan," it became quite clear. Master said,
"Do you know how gods look at you in these instances? The old forces will remember you for it as soon as that happens, with your performance at that time becoming a handle for them to latch onto. What's in store for you is trouble, then. When your xinxing doesn't measure up in this regard, it will spell big trouble for you. Watch out."
It turns out that the issue that I never paid attention to was quite important. I had thought that I did so many things and that I cultivated well. Looking back, I remember always using everyday people's principles to judge conflicts, and thought I was reasonable while others were always wrong. I knew I should have looked inside, but I always put myself in a position higher than others, thinking that I should cultivate "showing magnanimity" and not argue with others.
Master said,
"The very act of using human thinking to stress who's right and who's wrong is in itself wrong. That's because you are then using the logic of ordinary people to evaluate yourself, and using that logic to make demands on others. As gods see it, for a cultivator to be right or wrong in the human world is not important in the least, whereas eliminating the attachments that come from human thinking is important, and it is precisely your managing to eliminate those attachments rooted in your human thinking as you cultivate that counts as important." ("Fa Teaching Given in Manhattan")
I also realized the true meaning of looking inside that Master taught us. Every conflict that a practitioner encounters is due to his or her own thinking. We mustn't be attached to right or wrong and everyday people's principles. You will stop discovering your deeply-rooted attachments if you think about the benefits and karma developed in the human world. Therefore, we sometimes may feel it's severe while looking inside. However, at this time, we must use practitioners' righteous thoughts to reveal and remove it. If we can really realize this point, we won't complain about others because everything bad is a result of our own thinking, and the person that has a conflict with you is actually helping you.
3. Doing the three things and cultivating in isolation will easily give the old forces an opportunity to spring a trap, but as one body we can save sentient beings during the Fa rectification.
After realizing the issues above, my condition improved, but I still didn't return to my normal condition. I knew that there must be something else I hadn't enlightened to. One day, the practitioner I had previously lived with called me, saying that she had dreamed of me several times and that she thought one of the dreams was about the issues we had that Master wanted us to enlighten to.
In her dream, she and I went to watch Shen Yun Performing Arts. However, we thought we shouldn't sit with everyday people, so we made a platform in the air. Someone said that we bothered the audience. We argued, "We are in the air and higher than the audience, how can we have an effect them?" The practitioner enlightened that we put ourselves above everyday people. We can't save them that way and will even adversely affect Master's saving sentient beings.
After hearing her enlightenment, I realized that it was because I hadn't enlightened to my attachment that Master had used her to remind me. Thinking about it carefully, I had indeed put myself above everyday people. In addition, I even put myself above fellow practitioners. But I hadn't realized this and wasn't compassionate toward everyday people. However, if I wasn't compassionate toward everyday people, why did I do so many things to validate the Fa? I never let myself be idle.
While looking inside to find my motive, I found that the reason I did things was to be a "good" disciple, since Master said that only if we did the three things well would we be Dafa disciples in the Fa-rectification period. Therefore, I had a strong attachment to doing things. That is to say, I was standing on my own terms of cultivation to validate Dafa. My ultimate goal was private. I hadn't broken away from the selfish basis of the old universe, so the old forces got the chance to interfere with me. I hadn't realized this point due to the camouflage of the incorrect thinking that actively doing things was the same as saving sentient beings. If I hadn't experienced this serious test of karma, I never would have realized this. Even if someone had pointed it out to me, I wouldn't have admitted it. No wonder the effects of my face-to-face clarifying the truth were not good. I have encountered many people with predestined relationships over the past several years. If I could have realized this earlier, I could have helped save many sentient beings! I'm so sorry, sentient beings and Master!
It seems this is the first time I have clearly realized the seriousness of cultivation. Our selfishness should be removed level by level. We must reach an absolutely pure level to be real Dafa disciples. If we can't change and fundamentally improve ourselves, nothing will change, no matter how many years we cultivate.
My huge abdomen quickly returned to normal the following week, and I completely recovered. I again have enough energy to do Fa-rectification things. However, I constantly remind myself that my efforts are not for my own cultivation and validating myself but for helping Master with Fa-rectification and saving sentient beings, and that I should be clear on my starting point, be strict with myself, follow Master's every instruction, and consider myself as a practitioner.
This is my personal enlightenment. Please kindly point out wherever is improper. Heshi.
October 9, 2009
