(Clearwisdom.net) Recently I had not been diligent in studying the Fa and doing the exercises. Then one night, I had a dream, where I saw very small, ugly fruit hanging from a tree. I realized that Teacher was showing me that I was not doing well in my cultivation, so I started to look inward.
I first looked at my job. I used to work in a restaurant, and because I always followed the principles of Dafa in my daily work, I got along well with my colleagues. Our manager wanted us to vote for a team leader. I won the most votes. However, at the time I did not have a good understanding of the Fa and felt I was lacking in ability. I thought that working as a team leader would be too hard and would interfere with my cultivation, so I publicly openly turned down the position. Later the manager tried to talk to me, but I still declined to accept the responsibility. After a couple of days, and without consulting me, the manager announced in a meeting that I would be the new team leader. Reluctantly, I took on the job. At the beginning, it ran smoothly, but later the manager gave me a lot more work. In my heart I was very reluctant to do it. Then problems and conflicts started to emerge. Instead of treating myself as a practitioner and looking inward, I complained and thought that the team leader's job was very difficult. As a result, I spent a lot of time on my work every day and could not calm down to study the Fa. I was also afraid that people would look down on me if I did not do the job well. This mental pressure made my work more and more difficult. I decided to quit my job, so that I could rest for a while and catch up with my cultivation. This actually allowed me to cover up my attachments.
It was even more difficult for me to calm down after I left my job. When I read Zhuan Falun, some of the words touched my heart, "Follow the course of nature" and "There is a principle in our universe that normally other people cannot interfere with whatever one pursues and wants for oneself. The animal takes advantage of this loophole ..." I then realized that I was wrong. My cultivation was not in accordance with the Fa, and I had made three big mistakes. My first mistake was that I should have "followed the course of nature" when my supervisor asked me to be a team leader, as nothing is coincidental for practitioners. My second mistake was that, since people voted for me, it proved my ability. As a practitioner there is nothing we cannot do. I always thought that I could not handle the job, so wasn't the result caused by my own thoughts? I validated myself, proved that I was correct, and could not handle the job. My third mistake was not to look inward after the problems occurred. I should have looked inward since it was time for me to improve. However, I chose to avoid it, causing greater interference to my life and cultivation. Just like Teacher mentioned, "One or two disciples have given up their jobs in the secular society or refused to take the position of leadership when they are promoted, which has caused many unnecessary troubles in their work and life and has directly affected their cultivation " ("Cultivation and Work" from Essentials for Further Advancement) I felt that Teacher was actually talking about me.
During the time that I stayed at home, I went out every morning to tell people the facts about Falun Gong. In the afternoons I joined group Fa study and carefully worked on the three things. My father has a full time job, so my mother, also a practitioner, does all the housework and has to work alone on our field. My mother also studies the Fa and does the exercise every day, but she rarely goes out to clarify the truth. I was worried about her cultivation and always wanted to take her out with me when I clarified the truth. But she kept refusing to go out and said that she did not know how to talk to people about Falun Gong. I knew I had an attachment of sentimentality towards my mother. Also I knew that I should not force others to do things that I wanted them to do. I was not compassionate towards my mother and my words to her were often harsh. The other day my mother said that I had changed. At the time, I was not willing to accept it and was quite upset, as I was only trying to help her. When I look back on the situation, was I really cultivating myself? I stayed at home for four months. Although I did the three things, I did not cultivate myself, and I did not even have the basic compassion of a cultivator. As everyone has their own cultivation path, how could I criticize my mother? I did not consider her feelings. Teacher never criticizes any of his students. How could I criticize a student of Teacher? After realizing this, I was determined to correct myself. First, I should respect my mother, be kind and compassionate. I should rectify my every thought and action and become a qualified practitioner. Later, when I studied the Fa with my mother, we shared our understandings and we were completely merged into the Fa; my mind became very clear. My mother also started to actively go out to distribute flyers and clarify the truth. I knew all of this happened because I had corrected my thoughts.
Now I have a new job. I also bought new clothes and wore them to visit a fellow practitioner. The practitioner said the new clothes were not suitable for me. Actually, none of the current "fashion" in ordinary society is suitable for practitioners, because ordinary people's ideas are somewhat deviated from the true nature of the universe. When I look at myself in the mirror, I thought that I did not look like a practitioner at all, so I went home and changed my clothes. When I looked deep inside myself, I found my hidden attachments to lust and vanity. I dressed to impress the opposite sex, wanting to be praised. Isn't that vanity? Several days before I realized this, I received phone calls from a stranger asking me for a date. Didn't my human attachments lure these demons? Actually, as genuine practitioners, we should dress neat and elegantly, making people feel that we are respectable, not desirable. We will shine wherever we go, because real gold always shines. This is also the reference we leave for ordinary society.
In the very limited amount of time left during Fa-rectification, I will rectify myself with the standard of the Fa. I will use this standard to correct every thought, every word and every action of mine.
If there is anything wrong with my understanding, please compassionately correct me.
November 5, 2009.
