(Clearwisdom.net) A few years ago, I was disabled as a result of inhuman torture. I had been illegally arrested seven times, detained six times and suffered from nine different kinds of torture. I was forced to hide, sought refuge at my relatives' and friends' homes and barely earned a living by doing odd jobs. Shortly after my release from one period of detention, I was covered all over with cuts and bruises, and my internal organs were severely damaged. I was partially paralyzed - I could not move my arms - so I could not look after myself. My relatives were very shocked to see what had happened to me. After denouncing the evildoers, they asked me to go see a doctor. At that time, I had only one thought: that by believing in Teacher and the Fa I would recover; I must live on and negate the evil factors. I began to read the Fa a lot and practiced moving my arms. It was very painful and tiring, and every time I used up all my energy and my sweat would drip on the floor. After practicing for about 20 days, I was able to move my fingers a little and therefore, I began to practice writing. Writing used to be my job, but now when I wanted to move the pen with my hand it was like moving a big mountain. My hair was drenched with sweat. I thought about those people who had crippled hands and were able to write with a pen in their mouths. Why could I not do that? However, this thought instantly disappeared. I was not disabled and I must negate the old forces' arrangements. I began to send forth righteous thoughts for my hands and arms.
Eventually, I was able to write a character and then a line of characters. I began to practice the Third Exercise, but could not raise my arm. To be exact, I could only raise my arm one to two inches. In the evening when I was in bed, I practiced erecting my palm. I also practiced tying my belt, putting on clothes and doing housework. Although it would take me a very long time to finish one task, I persisted in doing it myself without asking for help.
At the same time, I read Zhuan Falun nine times, as well as other recent articles. Later, I noticed that the muscles of the paralyzed part of my body began to move slightly. They moved and stopped and that repeated itself a few times. Sensation began to reoccur in that part of my body. I knew Teacher was taking care of me. I was alone at the house and I shed tears. I said to Teacher, "Teacher, the evildoers inhumanly tortured me simply because I want to be a good person, but you are offering me compassionate salvation. In another dimension, I don't know how many things you settled for me before I was able to survive. What's more, I know that my case was not the only one."
After I had recovered, I began to do some truth-clarification work. However, it was not smooth at the beginning since I had the mentality of fear. At the same time, I was struggling financially. My husband was in jail for practicing Falun Gong, and I had to support my parents and children. How could I survive in the long run? Worse yet, the persecutors watched me constantly. I felt very bitter in my heart and also felt the pressure. As a result, I went to work for others to support my family. With the help of my relatives, I successfully found a job. Since I cherished the job very much, I began to develop new fears. I feared that I might lose my job and might bring trouble to the people who had helped me. Therefore, I dared not clarify the truth to anyone anymore and could not enter into a calm state when studying the Fa. As a matter of fact, I found myself in a new miserable state. When Teacher saved me, he did not want me to live the life of a regular person. I am a practitioner who is shouldering a historical mission; therefore, how can I only stand up against the persecution, and not save sentient beings? I felt very disappointed and very tired. I felt as if I could not find the value of my existence. I was encouraged once again when I read a paragraph from "Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference at the U.S. Capital":
"As a Dafa disciple in this society, no matter what kind of setting or corner of society you find yourself in, you are playing a positive role. Regardless of whether you are clarifying the truth and validating the Fa or doing things not so directly connected to Dafa, you are nonetheless saving sentient beings and are playing huge roles (applause), and that is because your righteous thoughts and compassionate field are having a positive effect."
I realized that I should not look down on myself. Instead I must cherish this human body and cultivate myself well to save more sentient beings. Ever since then, I tried very hard to change the anxious state I was in and maintain a calm and compassionate state of mind. In sending forth righteous thoughts on a daily basis, I eliminate all the evil elements and factors that are preventing the people I tried to clarify the truth to from being saved. I asked Teacher's Law Body as well as the righteous field set by Dafa to bring those predestined people to me because I wanted to help them quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and its subordinate organizations. By that time, I found that my cultivation became a lot smoother. It was just like what Teacher said In "Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference":
"When your righteous thoughts are firm and when you can repel those things, I remove them for you bit by bit; however much you can do, that's how much I remove for you and diminish for you. (Applause) But since you're a cultivator, you have to truly hold yourself to the requirements for a cultivator. Even though sometimes you still can't quite get there yet, you've got to at least have those righteous thoughts, and you've got to cultivate yourselves. "
I clearly felt that Teacher helped me to remove a huge mass that pressed down on me and took my breath away.
In April 2008, I was notified that practitioners in China should do the exercises in the morning together. In about a month, every time when I was in a tranquil state, all the surrounding noise would disappear and I could hear the music of the Fifth Exercise "Reinforcing Supernatural Powers." It was a powerful music, as if coming from a faraway universe. In hearing the music, I felt light and felt as if I was floating in the air. I enlightened that it was Teacher who helped me to cleanse my body and reinforce my supernatural powers and strengthen my righteous thoughts. Therefore I had no reason not to be divine.
In his lecture "Fa Teaching at the 2007 New York Fa Conference," Teacher spoke highly of the members of Divine Performing Arts. When I first read this lecture, I admired those performers of Divine Performing Arts who have played such a great role in Fa-rectification. After I read the lecture several times, I enlightened to the fact that every practitioner is a performer. We play different roles in our daily life, work and society (practitioners are the principle actors) and we all put on a big play - saving sentient beings. Teacher said in the lecture:
"It's performing arts after all, so the higher the caliber, the more people are going to be receptive to it and the greater the changes that are going to occur in people. They thus have to be perfect performances. They have to be perfect in every respect--the moment the curtain rises, a most beautiful scene should meet the eye. "
Then we must cultivate ourselves well and improve our "performing skills." This includes having good manners, wearing nice and suitable clothes and keeping our work and family environments tidy and clean.
Through Fa study and reading "Minghui Weekly" articles and with the help from fellow practitioners, I found some of my attachments and had new understandings about leaving home and becoming homeless to avoid being arrested. In the past, whenever someone raised the issue of security, I would think that he/she had a mentality of fear. As for me, I felt I "did not have any fear." Looking at this now, it seemed more like a hero or heroine of everyday people who lacked reasoning and wisdom. The police said to me twice, "I came across a Liu Hulan!" or, "This time we have a Jiang Jie!" (Both are heroins known to everyone in China.) At that time, I felt very proud of myself. Looking back, I realized that there was a lot of Party culture in my words and actions. Every time I was persecuted, I would manage to walk out of the detention center with righteous thoughts. I felt that my righteous thoughts would become stronger when facing the evildoers. It was this thought that was taken advantage of by the old forces to repeatedly persecute me.
This was not all, I also had the mentality described by Teacher in Zhuan Falun:
"With Teacher Li's protection, I know cars can't hit me."
However, I failed to let go of my real mentality of fear during my cultivation. Therefore, I was repeatedly arrested, persecuted and tortured. As a result my fear recurred. On every issue of the cover of Minghui Weekly it is clearly printed to "Validate the Fa with rationality, clarify the truth with wisdom, spread the Fa and save people with mercy." (from "Rationality" in Essentials for Further Advancement II ) The next sentence in the article is: "This is establishing the mighty virtue of an Enlightened Being." Therefore, we do not establish our mighty virtue during persecution, but during the process of validating the Fa, clarifying the truth, spreading the Fa and saving sentient beings. The establishment of mighty virtue is inseparable from "rationality," "wisdom" and "compassion." Over the past few years, I was tortured to the brink of death, and became homeless and unemployed many times. The maltreatment that I suffered played a negative role in terms of the people in my hometown learning the beauty of Falun Dafa. Wasn't this my shame?
After practicing Falun Gong, I failed to take the emotion between a husband and a wife lightly, and was not able to let go of it. Since I could not let go of my attachment to my husband, and had a very strong sentimentality toward him, I had pain in my chest for several years. Whenever he was arrested, illegally detained and sentenced, it would affect my emotions, and therefore it directly affected my work and cultivation. Later on when I learned that he was forced to denounce Falun Gong, I could not eat and sleep well. When he was released, I was very much worried about him. I worried that he was not steadfast in cultivating Dafa. I worried that he stopped doing the three things that a practitioner should do. I worried that he could not take care of the family. I suffered from a toothache for a long period of time. Teacher said in Zhuan Falun:
"Cultivation is something you do right in the thick of tribulations. They'll test whether you can sever your emotions and desires, and they'll see if you can take them lightly. If you're attached to those things you won't be able to finish your cultivation. ... But if you do break out of emotion, nobody can affect you, and ordinary attachments won't be able to sway you. What replaces it is compassion, which is more noble."
Yes, I had been cultivating for many years. Why did I still fail to break out of emotion ? In comparing myself with the sharing entitled, "Cultivate Your Heart And Mind, Let Go of Your Desires" published by the Minghui website (the Chinese version of Clearwisdom) I found my gap.
I was shocked when I found I had that many serious attachments. However, through looking inward, I felt light both physically and mentally, and my righteous thoughts became a lot stronger. Of course, it was also the inevitable result of the advancement of the Fa-rectification and the elimination of evil elements and factors by Teacher.
Please kindly help me understand any shortcomings I may have.
