(Clearwisdom.net) I began to practice Falun Gong in 2005. I always thought that I was doing well. I did the three things every day, including studying at least one chapter of Zhuan Falun per day, often learning Master's other lectures, practicing the exercises, and spreading truth-clarifying material several dozen copies daily. In addition to my own materials, I printed materials for my fellow practitioners. I have my own business and my schedule is very tight. Fellow practitioners told me that I cultivated well, even better than some veteran practitioners. When I heard these words, I felt very happy.
A couple days ago, after reading, "Explaining the Fa During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference," I felt that I did not get anything. I asked myself, "Do I really read it with a calm mind?" It seemed that I had read it with a calm mind. I realized something, but stopped thinking about it. Yesterday morning, an idea hit me, "I always thought that I was diligent, but why couldn't I feel myself improving? Did I really do well?" Searching inward with a calm mind, I was in a state hard to describe. Something was blocking my thoughts; it didn't want me to search more. At that moment, I felt like giving up.
Instead of following it, I asked myself, "You study the Fa everyday. Did you really obtain the Fa? While learning the Fa, do you really gain naturally without pursuit?" No, I don't. I study the Fa because I would like to rise in level, I would like to show off my knowledge about the Fa so that my words are all on the Fa, and I would not like to be looked down upon as a new practitioner. In addition, I am afraid if I don't study the Fa, my human notions would surface and the evil forces would take advantage of me. What a strong attachment to pursuit!
I further asked myself, "You require yourself to practice the exercises at least an hour a day. When you practice less than one hour, do you feel bad because you did not do the three things well?" No, the actual reason is because practicing the exercises could change my body to be younger. I would like to become younger, whiter, and more beautiful. When ordinary people tell me that my appearance is much younger than my real age, I always feel so pleased. When fellow practitioners look at my appearance, I want them to know that I cultivate very well. What strong vanity!
I asked myself more. "You spread so many materials every day and sometimes clarify the truth one-on-one. Is your behavior really driven by the mindset of saving people?" No, I do it because I have to, and because I understand that Dafa disciples should do it. If I don't do it, I am not a Dafa disciple any more. In the Fa-rectification period, this is one of the three things that Dafa disciples should do well. Instead of saving people, I clearly understand that my starting point is worrying that I am not qualified to be a Dafa disciple in the Fa-rectification period. How deep my egotism and selfishness are buried! Thinking about this, I know that my cultivation is really disappointing. With so many attachments and human notions, how can I rise in level? Aren't I just like an ordinary person doing things?
Then I thought about sending forth righteous thoughts. I send forth righteous thoughts every day at the four coordinated times (although I sometimes miss midnight). Does my righteous thought really eliminate the evil forces? Most of the time my mind indulges in flights of fancy instead of being peaceful and calm. What do I contribute? If I could not clean up my dimension, the evil elements inside will not only affect me, but also other practitioners. Because I did not send forth righteous thoughts well, I provide the evil forces a resting ground. The longer the evil forces exist, the more interference they will give to Fa-rectification and Dafa disciples. Thinking about this, I felt really ashamed of myself. I had disappointed Master and felt unworthy of Master's mercy.
I asked myself, "Whenever you had a computer problem, your first thought always is to ask fellow practitioner's help. You never consider that his (or her) schedule is also tight. His (or her) schedule could be delayed or disturbed by your small problem. Once a fellow practitioner told you that you used a lot of paper and toner and suspected that you printed something unnecessarily. You could not stand it, became angry and felt that you were misunderstood. Did you think about the Master's words in "Further Understanding" from Essentials for Further Advancement?
"Do you realize that as long as you're a cultivator, in any environment or under any circumstances, I will use any troubles or unpleasant things you come across--even if they involve work for Dafa, or no matter how good or sacred you think they are--to eliminate your attachments and expose your demon-nature so that it can be eliminated, for your improvement is what's most important."
At the moment when your fellow practitioner suspected you, wasn't that a good chance for you to find the attachment and improve? You don't like other people to criticize you, otherwise, you would become mad. Isn't this attachment the same as the worst attachment which Master mentioned in "Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles"? How terrible you are! Rather than thanking your fellow practitioner, you complained that he (or she) did not cultivate well enough and lacked a "compassionate tone" and "good reason". How deeply that you are attached to yourself!"
I asked myself again. "When veteran practitioners asked who had been affected by emotion, instead of appreciating their frankness, you laughed at them. How about you? Were you really frank? Were you really pure? No! When a certain practitioner's image appears in your mind every day, when you worry about him when you can't contact him, when you worry about him because his words are not on the Fa, and when you are concerned about his cultivation condition every day, what is that? Isn't that emotion? When you sense it, instead of being frank, you cover it up by claiming it as consideration between fellow practitioners. It's nothing. Isn't this a kind of lust? Isn't this the first test for an ordinary person to become a cultivator? How could you become a God if you are still an ordinary person?"
I asked myself, "Your family and work place are all cultivation environments. Do you really cultivate at home? When your husband irritates you, rather than looking within, you keep blaming him. When your daughter does not do what you tell her, you only consider that you have put in so much effort to raise her. If you cultivate well, the whole environment will change, including your child. Doesn't it mean that your cultivation is not good enough? When your husband is having a business dinner, you always call him and to remind him not to drink too much. Do you really care about him? No, you are thinking of yourself. You are afraid that if he drinks too much, he will disturb you and will not let you rest well. How strong the attachment to comfort! How intensely you are attached to yourself!"
I asked myself, "When a practitioner has a deep affection for you and he was not cultivating well, did you really treat his thing as your thing? Rather than helping him to improve based on the Fa, you just looked down on him and blamed him. You always thought that you cultivated much better than he. Sometimes you thought, 'give up on him and let him alone.' In this moment, did you consider that Master told us that no one is better than others; that we are all saved by Master from hell? In addition, if Master would not like to give up on him, how can you? More importantly, while seeing the attachment to affection, do you search inward? You always want to change other people instead of changing yourself." I felt very sad when I thought about these facts.
After finishing this article, I thought,"If my article is published, that will be great! Then, what name should I use? If my fellow practitioners know that my article is published, that's great! How strong the attachment to fame! How serious the attachment to showing off!
Practitioners, this is the late stage of Fa-rectification. We should let go of all our attachments. I wish all practitioners who read my article can seriously search inward.
After I finished this article yesterday, I felt much calmer while studying the Fa in the evening. My thoughts were much cleaner while sending forth the righteous thoughts. Moreover, I told a fellow practitioner of my affection for him. After exposing this attachment, I felt relaxed. It's really good to search inward.
