Recalling My Early Cultivation Experiences

(Clerawisdom.net) Recalling more than ten years of cultivation, the memories returned, one after another, of my experiences from the time I had begun Dafa cultivation.

One day in May of 1997, I was at home alone and the phone rang. When I answered it a woman told me she was looking for my husband, Lao Wang. I told her he was not at home, and was there anything I could help her with? To my surprise, she started scolding me and said, "Why are you still alive? If you had died, I would have married Lao Wang!" This was totally unexpected. I was shocked and wondered why this happened--why I was treated in this way, and why she would verbally abuse me like that. For a while I wondered if my husband had an affair with this woman. They already had a relationship, and that was why my husband was frequently not home. They had done such a bad thing together. She did not feel guilty about it, but played the role of the victim, and even abused me on the phone. It seemed there was no justice for an innocent person like me. I prepared to fight back. But I also thought I could not plan revenge--I had already begun Dafa cultivation and was a Dafa practitioner. It could be an opportunity Master had arranged to improve my xinxing and to pass the test of attachments to emotion, and I should just listen with tolerance. She berated me for about twenty minutes before she hung up the phone.

Yelling at me on the telephone might have released her anger. It seemed I had let go of my attachment to human emotion, but I did not. I felt wronged and scolded her back in my mind. I did not understand why they had done such a bad thing; why she acted as the victim and came to abuse me. I had mixed emotions. What should I do about my husband? I could not fight with him, but I would be unable to release my anger if I didn't do anything. I went back and forth in my mind. It was getting dark, and finally my husband showed up at the door with a happy face. He asked me if dinner was ready. I responded with anger, "Shame on you! How could you even have the face to ask for dinner?" "Why are you acting like this?" said he. He was confused. I told him that a woman called and she had scolded me. I questioned him why she was so angry with me and whether or not they had planned to make me angry to death. I also asked for divorce. He agreed that this lady had been treating me badly, and told me to hang up on her if she would call again. He also reminded me not to do crazy things like she did. At this time the children were back, and we had to pretend nothing happened.

Everyone went to bed. It was so quiet, but my mind was not. I tossed and turned and could not fall asleep. Old memories surfaced. I have worked very hard for our family and had developed many illnesses. Now I was middle-aged, with grown children. It is supposed to be the time to relax, but my husband had an affair, which would destroyed our marriage. The more I thought, the more bitterness I felt. I was deeply hurt and complained that the gods did not treat me fairly. Seeing that my husband had quickly fallen asleep like nothing happened, I cried, and my tears soaked the pillow.

Thinking about all this, I asked myself why I was here in the world. Was it worth the suffering? Did I look inward, and why was I bothered by emotions?

I recalled Master's words,

"My truly cultivating disciples, what I have taught you is the Fa for cultivation of Buddha and Dao. Nonetheless, you pour out your grievances to me over the loss of your worldly interests, rather than feeling upset for being unable to let go of ordinary human attachments. Is this cultivation? Whether you can let go of ordinary human attachments is a fatal test on your way to becoming a truly extraordinary being. Every disciple who truly cultivates must pass it, for it is the dividing line between a cultivator and an everyday person." ("True Cultivation" in Essentials for Further Advancement)

I got up quickly and walked before Master's portrait and said with tears, "Master, I failed the test of emotion today. Please give me another chance and test me again. I came here for Dafa and was born for Dafa. From now on, I will not let you down and I will not let attachments destroy me. I will cultivate diligently and go home with you."

The next day at the same time the phone rang again. The same woman berated me--much worse than the day before. She shouted and was constantly short of breath. After a while she stopped and asked why I did not curse her back. I told her I am a Dafa practitioner; that my Master forbids us to berate others, and I would not do such thing. I also told her to release her anger if scolding would help, and I would be there, listening. As soon as I said that, she lowered her voice and spoke slower. Her conscience might have plagued her. Finally she said, "I am not scolding anymore" and hung up. I had listened the whole time, but my mind was calm. I got some fresh air walking outside. The sun covered me, and I felt warm and comfortable. Since that day that woman did not call again. My husband stopped seeing her. Dafa and Master saved my family's harmony.

In 2003, my husband was diagnosed with late stage liver cirrhosis and became bedridden. I wanted him to begin Dafa cultivation. I had him listen to Dafa lectures and read to him from the book Zhuan Falun. I treated him according to Dafa. His illness and suffering made him short-tempered, but I tolerated him and treated him with compassion. I encouraged him to study the Fa more, to calm him down.

Fa study made him gain more wisdom as a human being. He would read Master's new articles and told me to donate some money for a Dafa material site. He said to me in tears that he did not treat me well in this life but I still treated him with the compassion, and he would like to marry me again in the next life, to pay back the fondness and devotion I had for him. In August 2003, before he died, he held my hands and did not say a word. I told him that he might go in peace now. "Don't be afraid having to die. You have begun Dafa cultivation and you will reincarnate." He agreed by nodding his head.

I was back to normal a few days after my husband passed away. Because I was here for cultivation, I could not let his death disturb me. Dafa untied the knot in my mind. I was awakening and felt grateful. Improving my xinxing according to the Fa before the persecution in 1999 had built a solid foundation for my cultivation. It has made me firmer and not fearful at all under the persecution. I have become a solid Dafa practitioner in the Fa-rectification period.