(Clearwisdom.net) I have been experiencing financial difficulties recently, and whenever I needed money, my mother, also a practitioner, would usually offer help. But today, when I phoned to ask her for help, she casually said, "It is not right for you to expect us to help you, just because your father and I earn more money than you do." Her words hurt my feelings and I grudgingly replied, "Forget it! I will think of some other way to get the money," and I hung up the phone.
I knew something was not right, so I looked inward and found I had a strong attachment to relying on others. As the youngest in the family I have always been helped and protected the most, and as a result, I gradually formed the habit of relying on others, which has manifested in various aspects of my life. For example, whenever I encounter problems, I would seek help from anyone, with no concern of what others thought of me. At work I always befriended women who were older than me, with a subconscious thought that they might potentially help me. Whenever I came across difficult issues I would first think of which friend could help me, instead of resolving the issue myself. Even when searching for a partner, I thought that my wife should be more mature than me. When my body felt discomfort I would easily remember that I am a practitioner, but when my life was comfortable I would easily forget that I am a practitioner, and enjoy everyday life. In my subconscious I relied on Dafa to solve any issues I encountered. In everyday cultivation I know a practitioner should not rely on others, and now I realize I had the shortcoming of relying on others to bring about changes in the environment for the benefit of the Fa rectification. For example, I like to read Internet articles relating to Jiang Zemin receiving retribution and developing fatal diseases, about non-practitioners seeking justice for Falun Dafa, and about natural disasters or other incidents happening in the world. I realized that by doing this I am hoping the external environment changes, so as to make it easier and safer for myself to do things to validate Dafa.
When I initially started practicing Falun Gong in 1998, I watched local assistants and veteran practitioners to see how they handled everything, while ignoring the requirements of the Fa. I tended to follow those in charge of the local assistant center, thinking they are good practitioners and I could improve myself faster by following them and relying on them. I did not realize my attachment until I met with serious tribulations. In recent years, I lost the group Fa study and exercise environment and gradually slacked off in my cultivation due to the attachment of seeking comfort. I rarely did the exercises and ignored Fa study for a very long time, developing an addiction to Internet games. Once in a while I would also watch pornography on the Internet. I would regret it afterwards, but could not resist it due to my poor cultivation state. I always thought to myself, "Before the persecution began, when I was cultivating and doing exercises together with fellow practitioners, I could easily resist all these temptations. How great it would be if I could get that good environment back? If so, I would be doing well now." In fact, thinking that way is relying on the external environment to help me improve, as I did not truly want to advance diligently myself. Although it is important to have a group Fa study environment, I should hold myself to a higher standard and always treat the Fa as Teacher no matter what kind of environment I am in. And only by doing so can I advance diligently.
Contemplating these issues, I realized the attachment of relying on others is also a manifestation of selfishness and of wanting to ask others for help, instead of doing it myself. If I could not get what I wanted from others, I would feel hurt and even become angry. The attachment of relying on others even affected my ability to develop as a cultivator, as there was no hardship for me to encounter, as others would do things for me. Only when there was nobody to rely on, was I forced to do it myself. This is also one important factor that can explain why I cannot feel the urgency of telling people the truth of Falun Gong. In the future, I must get rid of this attachment, truly think from others before myself, and, as Teacher asked us, "attain the right awakening of selflessness and altruism." (Essentials for Further Advancement)
