(Clearwisdom.net)
1. Getting up from Where I Stumbled
With encouragement from my family, I began to practice Falun Dafa in 1997. After the persecution began, under coercion, I wrote something I should not have written. I was depressed. I knew that Falun Dafa is good, but I felt I could not endure the pressure. I reverted to a non-practitioner's lifestyle, but it did not work. A life without Dafa was miserable. I felt I was living without a soul. I did not have strong righteous thoughts. Just like that, until 2003, my cultivation practice was in an on-again, off-again mode. Master said,
"If you've fallen don't just lie there, get up right away!" ("Explaining the Fa During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference")
Master also said,
"No matter what, though, to have obtained Dafa is the most fortunate of the most fortunate things, so you have to make good use of this period of time, bring yourself to truly cultivate and truly obtain the Fa, and ascend in cultivation. Not everybody can obtain the Fa, and not everybody can enter, because this is the Great Fa of the cosmos. Back when I was teaching Dafa, why were the old forces dead set on limiting the number of people who would obtain the Fa during the first round to 100 million? Even these 100 million people are the result of my insistence." ("Touring North America to Teach the Fa")
I was full of tears. How great and benevolent our Master is! My past limited enlightenment made it hard for me to have a deeper understanding of the Fa principles. Therefore, I always doubted my own fundamental and predestined relationship. Master said, "these are the three categories our Dafa disciples mainly belong to." ("Touring North America to Teach the Fa") I always thought I must have been the third category. Now I finally realized that no matter which category I belong to, no matter what kind of foundation I have, I am still one of Master's 100 million disciples.
Master's words encouraged me. How could I become worthy of the name "Falun Gong practitioner?" How could I become worthy of the title "Master's disciple?" I have fallen behind a lot. I do not want to continue to lie there. I want to get up right away. What can I do? In a very remote and isolated place like our town, few practitioners here are educated. There are very few young practitioners. I had a small amount of computer knowledge and thought perhaps I should try to do some technical work.
My gratitude to Master! As soon as I thought this, I immediately got the software to break through the Internet information blockade. Master also arranged for me to meet practitioners from other areas to teach me, so I started doing some work for a Falun Gong materials production site.
2. I Will Do Well with Anything Master Arranged for Me to Do
Beginning anything is always difficult. Before I began this work I was able to click on several keys and get easily onto the Minghui website. After I became a member of the materials production site I was often unable to access the site any longer. Even when I got on, the download speed was very slow. Some of the downloaded files were corrupted as well. It usually took me several attempts to download even one brochure. When sending emails, I usually saved articles into picture format and then encrypted them. But if the articles were longer, I did not know what to do. Sometimes if I stayed on the Internet longer I became nervous. Subconsciously, I felt visiting the Minghui website was dangerous. Sometimes when I was nervous I heard information about the evildoers searching practitioners' houses. So, I often hurried to move my computer and printer to other places.
Actually, this is due to fear. Because of this fear I always hoped I did not have to stay on the website for too long. However, as mentioned, the speed has often been very slow. When I heard the Telecommunications Department calling to verify names, I just quickly changed my phone number. I was afraid of staying out for too long and my husband coming to look for me. Then the moment I was home my husband would ask, "Is there anything wrong with the phone there? (at the materials site) How come I could not reach you?" At that time we accessed the Internet via the telephone line. Because I was afraid of the computer having problems that I could not solve, the computer gave me problems. Often times it showed foreign languages that I could not understand. Master said, "If you are not afraid, the factor that would make you afraid will cease to exist." ("Eliminate Your Last Attachment(s)," Essentials for Further Advancement II)
With my fear, many false manifestations came into being. Technical issues and xinxing problems arose. It was truly a time to cultivate my xinxing. I was glad when things went smoothly accessing the website. When it did not go well, I was frustrated. My mother asked me about it. I felt bothered and did not pay attention to her. I thought, "Why do you always bother me with non-cultivation related things? Don't you see what I am doing?" I sent forth righteous thoughts while angry. My lack of restraint was completely exposed before my parents. I did not initially realize that and pushed the issues aside. I even thought I was doing the right thing, and it was others who were not diligent. I had loopholes in my xinxing. The computer did not work well even if I sent forth righteous thoughts. I became even more frustrated.
Studying the Fa and reading fellow practitioners' experience sharing articles made me realize my problems. I shared my thoughts with my parents and told them about the Internet situation. Since then, each time I began working on the computer, my mother always held Master's picture in great reverence and sat by my side to send forth righteous thoughts until I was done.
Later on I encountered several technical issues. There was nobody around for me to consult. I was afraid of asking the computer salesman to check it. I could not find any useful information on the Internet, either. I was very disappointed. I thought my xinxing was not at the desired level. I have many attachments. I felt I really could not carry on this great responsibility while fellow practitioners from several surrounding areas relied on this material site. I then thought: "Let me give the computer to practitioners with higher xinxing levels. I cannot delay the salvation of so many people because of me."
When I thought of this I felt very sad. Why is my endurance threshold so low? When facing problems, I push them aside. When facing conflicts, I avoid them. How could I be worthy of being a practitioner during the Fa-rectification period? Some fellow practitioners don't even know a single English word. But they are carrying on critical technical responsibilities. Isn't Dafa's power behind them? We practice the same Fa and have the same Master. Others can do it. Why can't I? I was afraid and pushed the risks to others. Is this the right mindset of a future enlightened being? What a selfish mindset I had! I felt so ashamed! I knew this was not the correct way to think. This was not my own thought. I then thought of the words from the practitioner who originally asked me to do this, "It is not a coincidence that you do this work. Master is watching you. Master asked you to do it."
So I kept saying, "Master asked me to do this. I will do well! Master asked me to do it. I will do well!" After saying this several times I cried. I made myself have stronger righteous thoughts. Sometimes when I worked, I felt that it was not me doing things as a human being; rather, it was me doing things as a god. My righteous thoughts could do so much that no evil could stop my machine, and no evil could interfere with what I am doing! Later on a fellow practitioner from far away came to coach me, though. Just like that, with Master's benevolent protection and fellow practitioners' support, I overcame my difficulties.
I became more and more mature on the Fa-validating journey and walked more and more steadily. I know that evil forces in other dimensions observe us every single moment and want to take advantage of us. I understand my own mission. Therefore, I try to be very strict with myself: first, I pay attention to security issues and mind my speech. The steady operation of materials sites is directly related to the salvation of sentient beings. We should fulfill our prehistoric vows. Secondly, I use strict control of downloading materials from the Internet. In the past several years I always used the materials from Minghui website as first-hand materials. I eliminated my curiosity and showoff mentality. I do not download and distribute any unconfirmed information. I walk my own path and correct my thoughts, so I can be worthy of the name "Dafa practitioner in the Fa-rectification period."
3. Eliminating the Competitive and Showoff Mentality
I seldom participate in group activities organized by fellow practitioners. This is partly due to security issues and also because of my daily eight-hour job. It is not surprising for some practitioners to have complaints about me. Once, a fellow practitioner hinted to me that I should come forward and make some more monetary contributions to support Dafa projects, because my financial circumstances are good. I knew the practitioner's intention was good. The practitioner, though, did not know what I did for Dafa, but it was fine for him to remind me. I only smiled, though, and said, "Master asks us to do all three things. We are all practitioners. I will try my best." I was unhappy, though, thinking, "You only contribute less than one hundred Yuan each month. What I have contributed is more than what you could in decades."
Feeling treated unfairly, the competitive mentality emerged. There should not even be an issue of who does more or who does less when doing things to validate Dafa. Cultivation is to cultivate one's mind. Although fellow practitioners did not contribute as much as I did, his willingness to give is precious, because it took him great efforts to save that much from his daily expenses. Although I contributed more, I made more, and my contribution did not impact my daily life that much. The effort level was different. What makes me qualified to compare myself to others? I felt ashamed! Master said,
"In other words, all the things you're doing, including the small and insignificant things, all of them are done for yourselves, and not a single thing is done for Dafa, nor is a single thing done for me, your master." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Western U.S. Fa Conference")
Everything Falun Gong practitioners do is to fulfill our prehistoric vows and missions. What do we have to show off and boast about? I found my competitive mentality and the showoff mentality and eliminated them.
4. Walking the Path Master Arranged - Not Creating Roadblocks
In the past several years there have been huge work-related changes. Every two years there is a competition for middle management positions. Two years ago my managers hinted they were thinking of promoting me. But at that time I was first afraid of the extra work involved in coordination. Secondly, a co-worker was better educated than me. I wanted to leave the position to him and did not participate in the competition. But as it turned out, he was not the one picked. All of a sudden, my xinxing fell back and I felt he had been unfairly treated and voiced my opinion. But soon I realized that my thinking process was incorrect. What was I doing? This wasn't a practitioner's state of mind. I totally forgot I was a practitioner, and I had not minded my speech. In the meantime I deeply understood Master's teaching, "If something is yours, you will not lose it. If something is not yours, you will not have it even if you fight for it." ("Lecture Seven," Zhuan Falun)
He was not supposed to get the position! Even if I gave him that chance, he still could not have it. The universal principles control everything. Although I did not participate in the competition, deep in my mind I still have strong attachments to recognition and money. I viewed this position as being so important that I felt strongly about who should take it or who should not. Hence my heart went with it. Practitioners should not be attached to anything in this world. Everything happens for a reason. Why did I worry about it? Wasn't I in pursuit of something?
This year's promotions soon arrived. Should I participate in the competition for middle management positions? I had conflicting thoughts. But soon I realized that as a practitioner I should take things as they are and should not try to arrange my own path. I should follow Master's arrangements. I became clear minded and felt free. I did not have strong attachments to the results and was not driven by the human notions. I also stopped my friends to try to have more people vote for me. The results came in. Surprisingly, I was elected. Another person whom everyone thought was most likely successful failed. People congratulated me, but I was calm because it did not matter to me one way or another. A management position in the human world does not mean too much to a practitioner. I know these are all Master's arrangements.
I saw how people cried and laughed along the way of the entire competition process. Some of them were quite depressed. I felt they live such a hard and tiring life. I was surprised to remain unaffected by all the changes: I am so fortunate to be Master's disciple! In the meantime I realized: for a practitioner, the daily job is just a way to maintain our daily living conditions. We live in this world and are merely visitors. We will leave after living here for a short time. There is nothing worthwhile for us staying in this world. Master said, "...the entire cultivation process for a practitioner is one of constantly giving up human attachments." ("Lecture One," Zhuan Falun) "With any social status, one can still be a good person." ("Lecture Four," Zhuan Falun)
What I should do is to treat myself as a true practitioner, not to avoid any conflicts, keep looking for my attachments, eliminate them and follow Master to go home!
There is so much to write about. Aided by Master's benevolent protection I was able to walk on the cultivation path this far. I know I still have many attachments; for example, the pursuit of comfort, and fear when clarifying the truth. I think only if I correct my every single thought and am strict with myself in cultivation can I be worthy of the title "Master's disciple!"
