(Clearwisdom.net) Whenever a person comes into this world, he comes naked. Similarly, whenever he leaves, he cannot take anything with him. However, when we face the reality of this alluring world, we are constantly seeking, constantly wanting more, constantly and unceasingly looking for more with the hope that everything will revolve around us. Whether it's a material or spiritual possession, whatever belongs to us, we always look forward to more. I always hope to get more, the more the better. I wish to gain love, friendship, affection from relatives, agreement, praise and recognition from others, harmonious working relationships with colleagues, recognition from my boss, my husband's loyalty, affection, harmonious family relationships, outstanding kids, a healthy body and elevation of spirit from cultivation practice. In summary, I always wanted to have the grandest material and spiritual satisfaction and become the happiest person on earth. Because all these notions were deeply ingrained in my mind at a young age, I thought everything could be achieved through self-sacrifice and perseverance. It was exactly as Master said in "Toward Consummation":
"Human beings acquire many notions in this world and are, as a consequence, driven by these notions to pursue what they yearn for. But when a person comes to this world, it is karmic arrangements that determine his course of life and what will be gained and lost in it. How could a person's notions determine each stage of his life? So those so-called "beautiful dreams and wishes" become pursuits that can never be realized, despite painful attachments."
Since childhood, whether intentionally or unintentionally, my family members had been instilling in me the backward principle of choosing to do things with the intention of reaping personal benefit. Anything without personal benefit, I would avoid doing. I became very concerned about the payout, thinking that whenever anything was done, some sort of proportional "benefit" should be provided. In order to reap this so-called "benefit," I would put extra effort into studying because in this way I would reap the "benefit" of getting a good job. In order to obtain this "benefit" I would maintain a cordial relationship with everyone. In this way I could obtain a good personal advantage over others, etc. Gradually, every effort that I "put in" became the yardstick to measure everything that I did. Whenever the "payout" was not accompanied by a corresponding "benefit," I would feel a sense of injustice in my heart.
Initially when I learned Falun Dafa, I thought it would restrict my behavior, suppress my hot tempered disposition, and treat my suffering from a painful psychological anxiety temperament. It forged me to become an emotionally gentle and balanced person, unlike the hot tempered that I was before. My attitude toward cultivation was doubtful however, as I did not have a solid heart and firm desire for cultivation. At that time, I had the impure desire of using Dafa to obtain all the "benefits" I could from this material world.
Our great benevolent Teacher did not abandon me in spite of my strong notion of using Dafa. Over time, after I abandoned various bad habits, I could feel the existence of a strong energy mechanism within my body. The phenomenon of head-nodding due to the passage of energy also frequently happens to me. However, my strong desire for seeking things was not given up. On the contrary, it was buried under layer upon layer of dirty notions. I did not choose to practice Dafa because of its healing efficacy because I do not have major health problems. However, when I came to know the miraculous transformation Dafa could bring to one's health, my desire for "benefit" once again surfaced, as I do have minor problems like mild rhinitis. I thought that since people with cancer were cured through practicing, surely a minor problem like rhinitis could also be cured through practicing. Practicing with such a strong pursuit, one could imagine the results.
I did not look inward to find the problem; rather, I thought it was because of an insufficient commitment and perseverance in the practice on my part.
After July 20, 1999, under high pressure, my loophole was exploited and I made a compromise to abandon the practice. In my heart, I still believed Dafa is good even if I compromised. One practitioner asked me if I would still continue to practice at home. I responded that "as long as any cancer patient is cured through practicing Falun Gong, I will continue to believe in Falun Gong." At that time, it appeared that I believed in Dafa. However, by the look of it today, I realize it was a very strong attachment that the Fa can heal illnesses. All the while I was unaware.
On careful inspection, this notion of seeking to gain "benefit" had existed for a long period of time. It was difficult to detect, as it appeared to be very natural. Even during the process of writing this article, I thought, "If this article is published and becomes reference material for other fellow practitioners, haven't I done a good deed? I definitely deserve to increase my level." After sending out truth-clarification material, I thought that for clarifying the truth, I should obtain certain "benefits." Even if I cannot succeed in ascending higher in cultivation, I should accumulate de (virtue). After urging people to renounce the Chinese Communist Party and its associated organizations, I became complacent, "This person was saved by my effort, saving a being's life is worth the constuction of a seven story building. In the future, I will definitely be rewarded." After sending forth righteous thoughts, I thought that I had eliminated those factors that cause harm: "I did the work for Dafa." Unknowingly, I started to treat validating the Fa as a cheap investment with high returns. Even doing a tiny bit of work, I could obtain the things that ordinary people could not get. I finally realized this dirty avaricious notion and desire was not right; I had the desire to seek and obtain everything, and a heart that did not want to lose.
In the process of writing this article, I realized that Dafa is cultivation practice--I wanted to practice cultivation, and I must not seek anything. I felt the incomparable strength and firmness streaming from my inner self, and all the attachments and knots that obstructed me dissolved into insignificance. They were really nothing. Whenever I returned to the mood and sentiment of personal gains and losses, swayed as if wanting to realize some sort of "benefit," changing a tiny bit of myself certainly seemed very difficult and I felt pained. This also made me realize and understand why fellow practitioners in prisons, while facing the most brutal inhuman persecution, still did not give up cultivation practice: behind all this, there were these two words "cultivation practice." These two words provided righteous support. "Cultivation practice." These two words were magnificent, special, splendid and pure, with no room for any impurity whatsoever in this universe!
