(Clearwisdom.net) Recently, my cultivation situation was not very good. I was no longer eager to study the Fa, nor could I concentrate when studying. Although I still studied the Fa every day, I did it only as a formality, as if completing an assignment for Teacher. On the one hand, my "true self" wanted very much to study and assimilate to the Fa unconditionally. But on the other hand, all kinds of notions and thought-karma I still harbored kept "popping up" to interrupt my concentration during Fa-study.
I asked myself why my cultivation was so hard. Then I realized that I had a notion that cultivation should not be hard. Instead of giving my entire self in cultivation and following Teacher's arrangements, I wanted to follow my own will, preferences and notions to have a smooth and comfortable cultivation path. I did not want to give up more of myself. However, these notions of protecting and satisfying myself, and thinking that I was right were not from my true self. If I continued this way, I knew that I would forever lose this unprecedented cultivation opportunity! So, I asked Teacher to strengthen my righteous thoughts and to completely eliminate all the evil factors that blocked me from truly studying the Fa, doing the exercises, sending forth righteous thoughts and doing well the three things.
After truly concentrating on studying the Fa and looking inwards, I saw that I had a selfish heart of protecting and validating myself. At this critical moment of saving sentient beings, instead of helping people understand the truth and be saved, I was focused on how to protect my own safety, preferences, feelings, and interests. I valued these things the most. When clarifying the truth, I tried to make sure that my own feelings and interests were not damaged. With this selfishness, when clarifying the truth, my words were not pure enough to melt steel and the result was not good.
I used my human notions and distorted standards to judge who I should clarify the truth to first. If a person seemed nice, I thought it would be easier for him/her to understand the truth and therefore I should talk to that person first. However, if someone believed more in the evil Chinese Communist Party (CCP), then it would be difficult to talk to him/her and I should wait for a better opportunity, etc. Blocked by these notions, I missed many opportunities to clarify the truth to my friends and relatives. As the Fa-rectification is nearing its end, I still had not put saving sentient beings as my top priority. How selfish I am! How can a life like this go to the future and become a divine being in the new universe?
I have always avoided clarifying the truth to my husband and his family. Instead, I would take what I thought were "safer" approaches, such as sending forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the CCP's spirit and the evil factors that prevented them from understanding the truth; providing their phone numbers to overseas practitioners so they could clarify the truth to them; telling them stories about reaping what you sow and the crimes that the CCP committed during the Cultural Revolution, etc. However, I still have not told them that "Heaven will eliminate the CCP, withdraw from the CCP to save yourself." This was a result of my strong attachments of relying on others, protecting myself, and avoiding direct conflicts.
I had previously quit cultivation and left Dafa for four years due to enlightening along an evil path. When I came back to Dafa, people could only see the positive external changes on the surface, such as having a good temper and not fighting with people for self interests. However, this is not validating Dafa, but validating myself. How shameful and dirty this thought and behavior was! I kept telling myself, "Let them respect me and then clarify the truth to them later when I get a better opportunity." So I kept delaying and waiting for external changes and waiting for other practitioners to clarify the truth to them. I forgot that anything that happens during cultivation is not accidental. It is a great opportunity to help us get rid of our attachments and karma, pay back our debts, and improve ourselves. Looking for a comfortable cultivation with no interference is fundamentally due to selfishness.
So I firmly told myself, "I am willing to give up all the thoughts and notions that have existed in my head throughout different stages that are selfish and do not follow the characteristics of 'Truthfulness, Benevolence, Forbearance.' I want to assimilate myself to 'Truthfulness, Benevolence, Forbearance' to become an unselfish and unshakable, diamond-like being!"
Then I truly felt the strong power of benevolence when talking to people. The benevolence from one's heart can really change others. I know that only when I break through my human understanding of the Fa and of Fa-rectification and Teacher's saving sentient beings, can I develop the willingness to save people and harmonize what Teacher wants.
My notions and selfishness were what truly blocked me from doing well the "three things." I should completely eliminate them and instead consider the best approaches to save more beings and harmonize what Teacher wants. When this firm thought emerged and I put down my attachments, all the external things changed. I was no longer moved by whatever appeared. I only had the thought of saving people. Actually everything is done by Teacher. It just depends on whether we can give up our selfishness, put down all our attachments and walk the path the Teacher arranged.
I am grateful for Teacher's boundless benevolence that allowed me, once lost, to find my bearings again and catch up with others on the path to godhood!
