(Clearwisdom.net) When I was only three and a-half years old I stayed with my grandmother, who is a Falun Dafa practitioner. I enjoyed practicing the Falun Gong excises with my grandma until July 20, 1999, when the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) began the persecution of Falun Gong. I was five and a half years old. I was very sad to see how my grandma suffered, and I persuaded my grandma to practice Falun Gong only at home, so no one could see her. I began reading the Dafa books and I studied the Fa when I started elementary school. I could not understand why the CCP would do anything against Falun Gong, a practice that teaches you to be a good person.
During the past year I have spent more time cultivating Dafa. I am in a boarding school and can only go home every other weekend. During the weekends at home I usually sleep over at my grandma's place for a day, so I can study and practice Dafa, but sometimes I can't, so I then have less time to study the Fa and do the exercises, which makes me feel anxious. Master constantly reminds us to study the Fa more. I cannot memorize the book Zhuan Falun. I have memorized Lunyu, the table of contents of the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party and the book Hong Yin. I memorized them daily at school but did not have chance to send forth righteous thoughts. I am profoundly aware of how precious Falun Dafa is. Therefore, whenever I had a chance to stay with my grandma, I would use all my time to study and practice Dafa. I felt that I was good at understanding the Fa in my heart. I would do anything according to Dafa, but sometimes I might not do the things exactly right according to the Fa, then realize this after basing my conduct on the Fa.
Once when I was standing in line to get my lunch, another student squeezed in front of me and cut into the line. I pointed out his wrongdoing but he would not listen. I tried to pull him out of the line. He then hit me in the face with his metal lunch box. I pushed him and ran back to my room, crying. I ended up without lunch that day. My face was bruised and swollen for a long time. I did not tell my parents because I was afraid they might talk to my teacher. Later I recalled Master's lecture in Zhuan Falun,
"It's fine for an ordinary person to do something about some ordinary people's thing. He sizes it up with the reasoning of ordinary people. But you, on the other hand, you have to use higher reasoning to size things up." ("The Ninth Talk" from Zhuan Falun, 2003 translation version)
Another time a student knocked me down without reason. He left without looking at me still being on the ground. That made me very angry. With the urging from other female students, I threw his books to the ground and totally forgot that I was Dafa practitioner. I did not maintain my xinxing and gave up virtue I would have received if I had chosen forbearance. When there was a conflict among the students, I tried to be forbearing, however, my forbearance was combined with tears and grievance, which did not meet the Dafa standard. Master said,
"To endure with anger, grievance, or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns." ("What is Forbearance?" from Essentials for Further Advancement)
Another time I had thrown trash on the school grounds, as a result of being in a bad mood. I immediately tripped and realized my problem. I told Master immediately, "Master, I have made a mistake."
My parents had signed me up for a music class during the summer, for learning to play an ancient Chinese instrument. They did this to prevent my Falun Gong practice. I really did not want to go and was afraid there would not be time for Dafa practice. I was sad and cried for a long time, but I did not have good understanding of the Fa and did not ask Master for help. As a result, I was sent to the class.
After several lessons we learned a song paying tribute to the CCP. I hated it and tried to avoid practicing the song. My parents finally gave up making me attend since I persisted and had righteous thoughts at that time.
To clarify the facts and save sentient beings I listened carefully twice to my grandmother read the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party, and watched many Fa rectification DVDs. I came to understand the CCP's evil nature. I have a classmate who recently jointed the Communist Youth League, and I attempted asking her to withdraw, but I hesitated and was afraid of my parents, because our two families are very close. By then I recalled Master's poem in Hong Yin II:
"Should you have fear,
it will seize upon you
If thoughts are righteous,
evil will collapse
The cultivator's mind is loaded with Fa.
Send righteous thoughts,
and rotten demons explode
Gods walk the earth, validating the Fa"
("What's to Fear?" from Hong Yin II, translation version A)
Encouraged by Master's words, I wisely persuaded her to withdraw from the Communist Youth League. I also persuaded my cousins to withdraw from the CCP Young Pioneers. I also prepared a contact list for my grandmother, including names of our school principal and teachers, so she could send Dafa and Nine Commentaries materials to them.
One day my father discovered a draft "Solemn Declarations" in my pocket. He was concerned and showed it to me. I wondered why the draft paper ended up in my pocket when it should have been at my grandma's place. Grandma helped me to realize that it was good to let my parents know about my firm determination to practice Falun Gong.
Despite my parents wishes, I stayed with my grandma during the summer vacation and read the book Zhuan Falun three times. I also listened to Master's lectures in Jinan and read the Nine Commentaries one more time. I also took the book Zhuan Falun with me back home. That whole summer vacation I did not relax too much. In the past I used to play with the other kids in the yard after dinner. Now I don't want to do that. The time is tight, and I don't have time to play. Several kids came over and asked me to play. I found an excuse not to go with them. Later they gave up and did not ask me again.
After I started doing the Falun Gong exercises my legs hurt so much. It felt like my legs were broken, and I was in tears while I practiced. My great grandma felt distressed when she saw it and asked me to put my leg down and take a break. Most of the time, I persisted in completing a whole section of 30 minutes in the beginning, to 45 minutes, then finally to 60 minutes. I can now meditate for 60 minutes and my legs do not hurt at all.
The above describes my most recent year of Falun Gong practice experience. To be honest, I am embarrassed and I know that I did not do enough. I am less diligent and enjoy comfort, especially watching TV. I know that watching TV is an attachment. I need to eliminate it and become more determined in cultivating Dafa. However, when there was time, I would lose control. I don't take enough initiative to study the Fa and do the exercises. I sometimes fall asleep when I send forth righteous thoughts and don't have righteous thoughts all the time. I often forget everything when I watch TV. Sometimes I am scared. It somewhat disturbs me to practice without family support, since my parents are strongly against the practice. I can't let go of my attachments, just like Master said,
"If it's a case where you are aware of it and feel anxious about it, but in practice you don't truly restrain and suppress it, then in reality you are just stopping at this mental activity of seeing and feeling something, but you haven't taken any action to suppress that thing. In other words, you have only thought about it but not actually cultivated and put it into practice." ("Teaching the Fa in San Francisco, 2005")
I am now fully aware of my attachments and have the desire to eliminate them, but have not taken action. This is not true cultivation. From now on, I will pay attention, cultivate and put it into practice. Although I don't have support from my parents, they cannot block my cultivating path, nor my strong belief in Master and Dafa, because my life has merged with Dafa.
