(Clearwisdom.net) I'm a female Falun Dafa practitioner. I'm more than 70 years old and don't have much formal education. I previously was as a mid-level manager in a state-owned enterprise.
Before I started practicing Falun Gong I suffered from many ailments. My husband passed away when I was 40, and it was difficult for me to bring up my children. A co-worker of mine introduced me to Falun Dafa around July 1997. Dafa helped me eliminate most of my Party mentality. Not long after I began practicing, my coronary artery disease, cholecystitis, stomach problems, and chronic enteritis all disappeared, and I felt more energetic and could even do my household chores.
After July 1997 several practitioners and I tried to go to Beijing to validate Dafa, but we were arrested before we got on the train. I was sent back to my unit and they confiscated my train ticket and fined me 5000 yuan. They fired my children from their jobs and suspended my salary. I was subjected to a great deal of sarcasm from ordinary people and complaints from my children. Nonetheless, I still firmly believed in Dafa and Teacher. I still study the Fa, clarify the truth to save sentient beings, and send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the evil.
The path of cultivation is a hard one, and one should do it with diligence. In "Teaching the Fa at the Western U.S. International Fa Conference" Teacher said,
"Because during the journey you will have hardships, tests of every sort, unforeseen ordeals, and you will have unexpected interference from all kinds of attachments and emotion. The interference will come from family, society, good friends, and even fellow cultivators. And along with this there is interference from changes in the state of human society and from human notions that were formed in society."
When I thought that I was taking the Fa as my teacher and I couldn't be tempted by fame, fortune, emotion, or interference, lust became my loophole. I'd been a widow since I was 40, and I brought up my children by myself. Despite the hardships I hadn't even thought about remarrying or starting a new family, so why would I suddenly think about getting married again, and almost do it? Not only that, but I was using the excuse that I wanted to conform with the lifestyle of ordinary people. I almost ruined my cultivation.
It happened like this. Before I retired, a male colleague of mine and I were both unit leaders. He was a Party Secretary and was deeply poisoned by Party culture. Even though he believed in these illogical Party indoctrinations, he was an otherwise good person. Last year his wife passed away, and he asked me to marry him. I declined, but my human notions emerged. I told myself that he'd been deeply poisoned, so it would be rather difficult to ask him to quit the Party and all its affiliates.
On the one hand, if things went badly he could report me, but on the other hand, if I could take the opportunity to persuade him to quit, then it would be my chance to save a sentient being. I didn't realize that I was moved by ordinary people's emotions, but the emotions and notions of ordinary people have no suppressing power. As a result, he did quit the Party and its affiliates, but he brought up marriage again.
Because I didn't use the mighty power of Falun Dafa to save sentient beings and instead relied on human sentimentality, my attachments were exposed. We had dinner together and exchanged gifts, he helped me with the chores and I did his laundry, and he picked up my grandchildren. We lived the life of ordinary people. Slowly I slipped further from Dafa, and closer to normal human notions. I didn't realize then how dangerous it was, and besides, I had a logical excuse--other practitioners had non-practitioner wives, so why couldn't I have a non-practitioner husband? Wasn't this practicing cultivation and conforming with the lifestyle of ordinary people at the same time?
Next came our relatives, other people's criticisms, my children's objections, and my daily activities. My tranquil heart was disturbed and my cultivation environment was ruined. I had no time to study the Fa and do the exercises. I was slowly becoming an ordinary person again. It used to be a joy to take my grandchildren to school and bring them home, but now my legs were sore and I was lethargic.
I asked myself: should I accept or decline his proposal? I was standing at the crossroads of the human and the divine, and I had to make a choice. I was truly miserable. One night I read an article written by a practitioner. I was so startled that I broke into a cold sweat. In the article the practitioner said that when one has lust in one's heart, one's whole body turns into bloody pus dripping down to hell, and only a skull remains. I suddenly awakened, and I became clear-headed and frightened. Perhaps I really was left with only my skull. If I still insisted on remaining in the dark, every bit of me would probably be in hell.
Cultivators need to let go of sentimentality and every attachment, and cultivate without any omissions, by cultivating while living in human society, yet not living like ordinary people. How could I pursue such attachments? Wasn't I creating tribulations for myself? Fortunately, I didn't remarry.
I thought about Teacher, and I told Teacher I was wrong. I asked Teacher to enlighten me as to how best to decline the marriage offer. Teacher told me to use compassion to resolve this matter. As kindly as I could I explained to the man, "I had a dream in which someone told me that we shouldn't get married, and if we do it will cause us both harm. I haven't been feeling too well, particularly during the last few days. Please don't come to my house again." Thus our relationship came to an end.
I shed many grateful tears. It was Teacher who'd saved me. Looking back, I asked myself, "After so many years of cultivation, why was my attachment to sentimentality so prominent? Others are trying hard to solidly cultivate, yet I'm trying to acquire more attachments. I almost fell into the trap and ruined myself."
Why had the demon of sentiment suddenly appeared to torture and punish me? I believe it was by no means coincidental. It happened because I wanted to have a husband, a comfortable family life, and someone to help with the household chores, just like other people. "Pursuit" was so deeply rooted within me that I could no longer recognize it, and I even denied my own intentions. One of the characteristics of the old forces is selfishness. Sentiment can make people muddle-headed, depressed, and ravenous. It can cause cultivators to drown in their own fantasies and forget the path of returning to their true selves.
Why wasn't I aware of it? "Acquired notions" was the reason. Human notions come from long-term and deeply-rooted assumptions, and we can only break away from their control by understanding the truth, particularly during this Dharma-ending period, when the whole universe and the human environment have gone from bad to worse. As a result, human notions have correspondingly changed. Sinister elements--now clearly visible in the light of day--establish trends. Over the last several years it's become a common phenomenon that older folks remarry and establish new families. My heart was moved by this trend, and it created tests, tribulations, and attachments on my cultivation path. In reality the root cause of my feelings and desires was selfishness. The old universe was laid low by selfishness. Because "I" becomes the focal point, I viewed everything from the nucleus of "I." I was concerned for my convenience, my notions, my heart, and my comfort.
A few words from Teacher in "The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be" penetrated my confusion,
"And yet a small number of students--veteran students, even--have to differing degrees exhibited a despondent state and slackened in their resolve to be diligent. They haven't realized that this is an attachment to the duration of Fa-rectification, or is caused by interference from incorrect, acquired notions, which results in their gaps being exploited by interfering factors that the old forces left behind early on in the surface of the human dimension, wicked specters, or rotten demons--things that have magnified and strengthened those attachments and human notions--all of which has brought about this despondent state."
That was the most severe criticism for me, but it also saved me. It was Teacher who saved me again and put me back on the godly path. I finally passed the test and awakened from the dream. Now I feel light and peaceful and believe the saying, "After passing the shady willow trees, there will be bright flowers and another village ahead." (Zhuan Falun)
The test I passed may not be a big deal for other practitioners, but it was very tough for me. It was like a nightmare or a marathon. It resulted from my lack of diligence, and it was also a critical test of the success or failure of my cultivation.
I wanted to write this article to encourage myself not to make the same mistake again and to push myself to be more diligent, cultivate solidly, clarify the truth to save sentient beings, send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the evil, assist Teacher in validating the Fa, and get back on the path to consummation and return home.