Discovering My Reluctance to Change Myself

(Clearwisdom.net) This morning I meditated with a fellow practitioner, and I noticed that her head was nodding every now and then because she was sitting directly in front of me. She also allowed her body and her arms to slump for long periods of time before correcting her position. I coughed a little to remind her, and she improved her posture for a while but was soon slumped over again. I then sent righteous thoughts to eliminate the demon of sleepiness, which briefly alerted her but not for long.

I had noted the same thing when we stayed together in the past. At that time, I used to get aggravated because I felt that I had to remind her again and again: "Your hands have come down!" I also repeatedly emphasized the danger of relaxing one's posture while sending righteous thoughts. However, it had very little effect. Whenever I practiced with her, I felt uneasy and I had to open my eyes to see if she was keeping the right position for sending righteous thoughts. After taking a glance and finding that her posture was a little better, I felt more lighthearted. I increasingly believed that I was shouldering "great responsibility" for her, so I exaggerated my own importance and validated myself. The only way to change a person's heart is through the Fa, not through coercion.

I used to be quick to find fault with my fellow practitioners. I thought that I was merely helping her cultivate. I always pointed out to her how she was deviating from the Fa. She submissively accepted my opinions and often said that I was helping her a lot, although her eyes showed timidity and hidden bitterness. Later, I found that she had never solved any of the problems I had pointed out to her.

Today, when we did the exercises and sent righteous thoughts together, her posture was wrong again. She had not changed at all, and I watched her as I had done before. I concluded that neither one of us had changed at all. However, today my attitude was totally different. I was no longer disgusted with her failing to do the exercises and sending righteous thoughts well. I also gave up complaining about her. I realized that I was doing just as poorly, maybe even worse. As a result, I blamed myself and became tolerant of her. During the past few days, my posture had also been poor. While I was sitting in meditation, my head dropped to a 90º angle. While I was sending righteous thoughts, my hand dropped on my other arm so heavily that I was awakened. I was not able to finish because the demon of lust came to disturb my thoughts yet again.

At that moment, Teacher's lecture came to my mind:

"Going through hardship and suffering is an outstanding opportunity to remove karma, be cleansed of sin, purify the body, elevate your plane of thought, and rise in level--it's an extraordinarily good thing. This is a correct and upright Fa-truth."("The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be")

Considering my past behavior, it bothered me a lot and I became so sad that tears were streaming down my face. I truly felt the seriousness of my situation and realized how deluded it was to think that a person filled with karma and filthy thoughts such as myself could become one of the great divine beings of the new universe.

Our compassionate Teacher has picked me up from hell and bestowed on me everything that is most wonderful and glorious so that I can cultivate into a divine being. But do I take my own cultivation seriously? I do not even treat my fellow practitioners compassionately and tolerantly. All I can see is that one or the other does not conform to the Fa, and that such and such a person does not behave like a cultivator. I am always busy pointing out everybody else's problems, jealously watching them and nitpicking about their shortcomings, while neglecting to look at myself. Is this genuine cultivation? I always want to change others, rather than changing myself. It now seems to me that I have been doing the three things for appearance's sake only. In reality, I did not try to change myself at the core. I had not previously realized this problem because I had been studying the Fa with fundamental attachments ever since the beginning of my cultivation, and therefore I could not understand the real meaning of the Fa.

Yesterday, I did something wrong, for which an elderly fellow practitioner openly mocked me in front of another fellow practitioner. I was completely taken aback as this had never happened before. It had always been that I was the one who pointed out others' shortcomings. I felt hurt. However, I took this event as a warning that I should genuinely cultivate. I started to think about the way I had been treating her and I realized that I had failed to treat her with compassion. Although on the surface it seemed that I was defending the Fa, I was actually only blaming and complaining about others. Now, the situation had been reversed as a result of karmic retribution. How did my fellow practitioners feel about my aggressive attitude? Did they really accept my criticism? I had never considered these questions. As soon as they put me in the same situation, I felt hurt. Hadn't I hurt them again and again with my own behavior in the past? Wasn't I simply creating tribulations for others to help them cultivate?

We are required to cultivate while conforming to society as much as possible and I suddenly gained a new understanding of this principle. I need to be strict with myself and treat others with more generosity.

Teacher taught the Fa to genuine cultivators. As an individual cultivator I should measure my every thought against the universal principle "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance" and try to find the loopholes in my mind and adjust my behavior according to the Fa. I should always focus on my own cultivation and guard my every thought. Whenever I find a thought that does not comply with the Fa I should catch it and trace its roots so that I can remove my attachment to fame, personal interest, and sentiment. I should always consider other people before looking after my own interests. I must think about whether my actions might hurt someone or make them feel bad. I should always be compassionate and generous to other sentient beings. If I notice that other people do something wrong, I should explain it to them with pure compassion and take care not to cause them to lose virtue. Our cultivation is for ourselves, not for others.

To explain about my past, I started to practice Falun Gong at home and on my own. There were no fellow practitioners close to me and my cultivation environment consisted of my family. At the beginning of my cultivation, because I didn't have a good understanding of the Fa, I was resentful for having to take care of my daughter every day, because it took away time from my Fa study. I used to have a very good relationship with my husband, but after my cultivation I became cross with him. I pushed him to study Falun Gong, but he just refused. I blamed him for his low level of enlightenment. I was always thinking that I would not have married or had a baby if I had only obtained the Fa earlier. I felt regretful for having obtained the Fa so late.

Eventually, I realized that Teacher requires us to behave well in all situations, especially where family is concerned. I started to treat them better and worked hard at my household chores. Everything seemed to be perfect on the surface. However, then my husband started to cause me problems; he would stay up late at night watching TV without talking to me. I did not discuss my own feelings with him. One day, when we were arguing, I said to him, "Just tell me what you want me to do better and I will improve." He answered, "Looking in your eyes, I can tell that you think you are already a divine being while I am just a regular guy."

Later my husband and I divorced due to various reasons related to the persecution and I became homeless and started living with some fellow practitioners. Although I started living in a good cultivation environment, my mind underwent no improvement. At times, I seemed to be doing relatively well but I did not seem to raise much in level, even though I had abandoned everything about my former way of life. When I read Zhuan Falun, I often thought, "Does this paragraph not refer to such and such a person? It is obvious that this part of the Fa points out his attachment of jealousy and the other part speaks of that fellow practitioner's attachment of showing off, which clearly undermines the Fa. How can that fellow practitioner retain his selfishness and attachment of lust after cultivating for such a long time? He really shouldn't be like this. To show my responsibility for him, I should point out his problem." Whenever I saw my own problems I thought: "Oh well, I also have attachments," but I just had a passive attitude and did not try to really remove the attachment, in contrast to my way of treating the problems of other practitioners. Instead, I managed to appear to be diligent when I was with fellow practitioners. When I was alone, however, I imposed no restrictions on myself.

Thus, I understood the meaning of cultivation in a superficial way only. In addition, I have looked outside to pursue improvement, thereby deviating from the upright way of cultivation. I have now reversed my former ways of being strict with others while being indulgent with myself.

Hiding beneath my carefully maintained pretense of trying to help Teacher during the Fa rectification were my desperate efforts to keep my attachments as much as possible. Wasn't this arranged by the old forces? Fortunately, I finally caught on after compassionate hints from Teacher. I have written everything down to expose and disintegrate it.

These are my personal understandings, please kindly point out anything improper.