Introspection on My Attachment to Sentiment
(Clearwisdom.net) I started to practice Falun Gong in 1997 and can therefore be considered a veteran practitioner. However, I have fallen behind in many aspects of cultivation, especially with regard to sentiment (qing). When I first started practicing Falun Gong, I was only a little girl. At that time, I did not really think much about sentiment, and especially not about the sentiment between men and women. I was able to do well by studying the Fa.
In a flash, nearly nine years have passed, and many things have occurred. I have experienced a lot. There have been many times when I have not been diligent. During the period around July 20, 1999, when the persecution began, because of a lack of information, I had some doubts. However, I persistently believed that I would continue on my path of cultivating Falun Dafa. In general, my cultivation environment was relatively stress-free. This should have been a good environment and a good opportunity for me to clarify the truth to save lives, and I understood that. However, I did not have the sense of urgency that other practitioners had. I was doing truth-clarification work, but I was not dedicated to it. I was also anxious when I saw fellow practitioners being persecuted. Moreover, when I read fellow practitioners experience sharing articles, my feelings about falling behind are difficult to describe. I knew that my falling behind was mostly a result of the interference caused by my mentality of fear and my attachments to comfort and sentiment. However, it was difficult to get rid of them; I was sometimes diligent and sometimes not diligent.
Recently, my mentality of fear has been much less than before, but I am still attached to ease and comfort. I am still heavily attached to sentiment, particularly to the sentiment between men and women. This article is written mainly to expose my attachment to the sentiment between a man and a woman.
Not long ago, I started dating my boyfriend. When he learned that I practice Falun Gong, he was very repulsed, and he talked about breaking up with me. However, because he could not let go of his feelings toward me, he finally accepted the fact that I practice Falun Gong. At this time, we are still getting along.
I read an article entitled, "The Goblin Phenomenon in Decadent Video Playing," and I felt alerted. (I do not indulge in those decadent videos.) Then I had a nightmare. In the dream, while my family members and I were asleep, a ghost-like shadow appeared behind me and said that it wanted to attach to my body. I could not move, and then it entered my body. I was very anxious and I pinched myself, but I did not feel the pain. I then thought that I was in trouble because I could not control my body. I started to resist it in my mind, but I still could not move. Later (in the dream), that thing was expelled out of my body, and I woke up. I was then able to move. I felt frightened, and then I awoke from the dream.
I then started to send forth righteous thoughts, but I somehow lacked the ability to do it well. I then did the sitting meditation. I thought, "I am a practitioner, how could that dirty thing enter my body? There must be something that I did not do right." I recalled a sentence from that article, "No wonder the old people used to call this kind of sexual relations of a man and a woman who are not husband and wife fooling around with a ghost." Another phrase also appeared in my mind, "It becomes more crucial as it gets closer to the end!"
Although my boyfriend and I have not crossed the bottom line between a man and a woman, it is the only line that has not been crossed, and my conduct has indeed not been the conduct suitable for a practitioner. Thinking back now, I realize that benevolent Teacher has given me hints several times to alert me, but each time I did not want to look into myself for the reason, and I even dared not to think about whether the hints were related to me. I dared not read Teachers Fa lectures about this aspect a second time. At times, I did not want to think about this problem because, when I thought about this problem, I felt that I was not worthy of the Fa, and I felt very distressed in my mind. However, I knew that I must face it, because I am a Dafa disciple, and I knew that I must pass the test! I finally thought about it with reason and faced the problem, "Who was afraid? Who was afraid of being exposed?" I should expose it in broad daylight. Otherwise, I would not be saving people; instead, I would be jeopardizing people, jeopardizing the people who have a predestined relationship with me.
This weekend I plan to have a good talk with my boyfriend. By the way, he has not withdrawn from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), the Youth League, and the Young Pioneers yet. Whenever I have mentioned his withdrawing, he ridicules me. Also, I hope that fellow practitioners who read this article will send forth righteous thoughts for me! Moreover, I also need to really think about whether my dating a non-practitioner is to save him or for me to live an ordinary life.
If it is to save him, it seems that I should not have to struggle this way, because there are many people who have had predestined relationships with me over many past lives who are now waiting for me. Their urgent need is for me to help them to understand the truth about Dafa and the persecution, and to help them to withdraw from the CCP, the Youth League and the Young Pioneers, giving them a bright future. This is a more urgent issue than for me to get married to someone at this historical moment. If I could see the truth of the universe, would I still do the same things? Would I be more diligent?