Enlightening to "What is Given Up is Not One's Self, Everything is Foolishness in the Maze"
(Clearwisdom.net) Some time ago, police arrested a fellow practitioner, my husband. I know from Minghui website that the persecution has not stopped for even one day, and practitioners are being arrested every day. But when it happened so close to me, I was strongly impacted. I began to realize that I needed to adjust my mindset. I quickly calmed down, but I felt that my heart was heavy. I understood the meaning of the words "heavy mood." Substances in other dimensions were pressing down on me.
My husband was not in a good state for sure. Due to his busy work schedule, his Fa study and practicing the exercises daily were not assured. Added to that, his attachment of seeking comfort and having strong sentiments allowed the evil to exploit his gaps. But I can't blame him now (that might give the evil an excuse for the persecution). I looked inward and find out what loopholes caused this matter. After careful thinking, I found that many of my thoughts were not on the Fa, and I found many bad attachments. If others would have pointed out these attachments to me on a normal day, I wouldn't have believed I had them. But being faced with this serious tribulation, these attachments could no longer hide.
For example I knew his state was not good, but I did not pay much attention, and thought; "Although he is not diligent, he clarifies the truth in a relatively safe way, so as not to have problems." This was completely human notions, and not based on the Fa. How can we be safe? Is our safety determined by the way we do things? Only by staying on the Fa and having righteous thoughts and righteous actions at all times can we be safe. Moreover, he did not do well enough in clarifying the truth, but I did not pay much attention to it. When I spoke to others about it, I said, "Everyone cultivates himself. I can not force him to do more." Actually, my fear and selfishness were hidden. Because he was not very diligent, I was afraid that he would have problems if he did more. Didn't this notion unknowingly acknowledge the old forces' persecution of practitioners who are not diligent? The selfish part was that I knew that he also did truth clarification work and wouldn't be left behind. To say it seriously, I wanted him to muddle along in Dafa so he could follow others to go up.
Of course, I also understood from the Fa principles that regardless of where fellow practitioners have problems, they are guarded by Teacher, and naturally are able to validate Dafa and send forth righteous thoughts to deny the persecution.
Afterwards I exchanged views with other practitioners and discovered that although I thought I was diligent in doing the three things wholeheartedly, I had been studying the Fa like it was some kind of theory for a long time. I did not solidly put it into practice in my daily life. Therefore, I could not be on the Fa all the time. As a result, my righteous thoughts could not come out at critical moments. I still regarded the evil as being very strong, so I was in a "heavy mood." I realized that the evil can only do things in a very tiny space and that the entire situation is completely controlled by Teacher. If we regard the present things as important, we would feel that the evil is very fearful and barely able to stand. However if we are able to truly understand based on the Fa and firmly believe that Teacher's supernatural power is boundless, a small bit of our response in this dimension can scare away the evil.
After I realized this, Teacher suddenly took away that heavy feeling in my heart. It was gone in a flash. After it was taken away, I felt very relaxed. My thinking rose, and I clearly sensed the Fa principle on this level. The painful feeling instantly disappeared and my mind and body became open all of a sudden. I thought that I had finally rushed out of this tribulation.
But, the matter was not completely over. Two days after the heaviness was removed, I felt some pulling in my stomach. I thought, "What is it?" and a word appeared in my mind: "worry." I understood that it was "qing." Because the practitioner from my family had a heavy attachment to qing, even though he was not proactive in doing truth clarification, whenever I wanted to do something, he was afraid for me and suddenly was willing to do it himself. His qing was very strong. I always disapproved, and sometimes ridiculed him, unlike a practitioner. I did not realize that I also had strong qing towards him in that process. After he was arrested, I did not worry that he was suffering hardship, but I was very worried that he might be transformed and destroyed on the path of cultivation. I thought that there is not much time left and if he stays inside in the final period of time, and does not do well, when will there be a chance to make up for mistakes? This crucial time is very important for practitioners.
On the surface I was worried for his cultivation, but actually it was qing. Aren't all detained practitioners facing this issue? We must completely end this persecution. So why was it that I was only worried about him? Practitioners must be good to everybody, including their own family members. If our kindness is only limited to our family members, isn't that selfishness? After discovering this attachment, I restrained and suppressed it, and asked Teacher for help. After a few days, the attachment was gone and the bad feeling of pulling in my stomach disappeared. I made up my mind that I must eliminate the evil that persecutes all Falun Dafa practitioners and help all practitioners in prison return home soon.
I had another improvement in this by realizing that regardless of what everyday people say, I should not be moved. A while ago, someone told me that my family member's case was very serious and he might be sentenced. Someone else said that he would be sent to a brainwashing center. In the beginning, whenever I heard any news, my heart moved. Later I made up my mind that no matter what others say, I will not be moved. I simply believe that Teacher will arrange everything, and I will just do whatever I should do. Teacher told us before, that if we are moved, our human notions will resurface.
"Then the old forces say, 'I was right to have done this, wasn't I? The reason I had that person's sickness karma get so severe was to test whether they have righteous thoughts or human thinking. We did the right thing, didn't we? See, didn't those human thoughts of your disciples return? So many human thoughts have returned, so we need to target those human thoughts. We're therefore going to increase that student's sickness karma and see if all of you still cultivate.'"
"No matter what happens, nobody should be affected inside. Each student should think only of giving help as a Dafa disciple as he's able, and there is nothing to get worked up about. Even if you can't help that person you should still face this issue with righteous thoughts. Continue to do whatever you are supposed to. Don't become attached to it by looking at it in a human way, don't make these problems worse in your minds, look very righteously at how it relates to everything else and don't think of it as being very important, and be very calm. The old forces will then lose interest, thinking, 'These people aren't moved. If none of them are moved, what is the point?'"("Teaching the Fa in San Francisco, 2005") (Official translation)
After continuously breaking through these tests, I felt that it was very tedious but also very gratifying because Teacher had turned a bad thing into a good thing and made me improve. When I went out with a fellow practitioner, I told her about my experience. She was happy for me, and said, "Once you improve, your husband will return soon." I was especially happy to hear that, but suddenly the back tire of my bicycle sent out a terrible hissing noise. The tire was completely flat within one minute. I was shocked. Did I still have a "leak?" At that moment I realized that I had a strong attachment of pursuing a result. I had thought, "I have improved and passed the tests, this time he should come back." As if I did well in order to let him come out, as if I did well with a precondition. How strong was this attachment of pursuit!
The place where my bike broke was very far away from my home. We had to push the bike and walk back. After I arrived at home, I was so depressed. I knelt in front of Teacher's picture and cried my eyes out. I thought about the Dafa book, that I had taken such care in correcting the words according to Teacher's instructions, and how it was confiscated. I felt heartbreak and cried for a long time. "Why was I unable to protect the Dafa book? Am I unqualified to read this Dafa book?" I felt that I would not be able to complete cultivation. "I have cultivated for ten years, but I am still like that, truly unqualified!" After a while, I calmed down. I realized this thought was interference and surely not what Teacher wants. It does not let me cultivate, but I must cultivate, and cultivate diligently. Don't think about it defeating me.
The day before yesterday, I turned on the computer and saw Teacher's lecture "Teaching the Fa in Canada, 2006." In the beginning I could not believe that Teacher's lecture had come out so quickly. When I found that it was truly published, I eagerly read it at once. After reading it, I could hardly believe it; "Teacher, do you know your disciple is going through difficult tribulations and that is why you let your disciple see this lecture so soon?" It seems that Teacher's lecture is especially addressing the tribulation that I have.
"Doesn't interference provide opportunities to improve oneself? From my perspective, being your master, I think your improvement is the most important, but that doesn't mean that as you improve a smooth path is in store for you. Say you went up to the heavens with a lot of karma and were hauling along a huge load of baggage (audience laughs), how could that be permitted? I have to set up certain tests for you and have you let go of those attachments of yours, have you get rid of all that baggage. As you go through one test after another, you are to continually shed your attachments and human thinking, and you won't be able to carry those things into the various tests [and still pass them]. So when a test arrives, you say, 'That's trouble,' and some people even go everywhere looking for Master and ask, 'Oh my, how am I going to resolve it?' Well, how could I resolve it for you? If I were to resolve it, you couldn't pass that test. If we took away the test, are you supposed to go forward while hauling a load of baggage with you? So I can't take away that test for you. (Master chuckles) Does that make sense? That's why I say that when it comes to cultivation, you must truly grasp what cultivation is, be truly and rationally responsible to your own cultivation, truly handle everything you encounter with righteous thoughts, and have strong righteous thoughts." ("Teaching the Fa in Canada, 2006") (Official translation)
When I read this, I could not hold my tears. I suddenly understood that while I felt I was in hardship, Teacher stood alongside, expected me to improve, and helped me to let go of the "luggage" one piece at a time. But I had been in sadness and felt that my test was too hard. Isn't my enlightenment quality low? My husband had been arrested. It happened close to me and had a great impact on my cultivation. Although we do not acknowledge the old forces' arrangements, this persecution has happened, and our every thought in the face of persecution becomes the most direct exposure of our xinxing. So, when a bad thing is exposed, we must clear it away and get rid of it. If this problem had not happened, I might feel that I had cultivated well when in fact I still had a lot of luggage without knowing it and felt quite satisfied. How dangerous it is! How could I do the three things well with such an impure heart?
I thank Teacher for his merciful arrangements for me. I must make use of the opportunity to abandon all my negative thoughts, cultivate myself well while exposing the evil, eliminate the evil, clarify the truth better, save more sentient beings, and not disappoint them for their braveness of coming to the human world.
Finally let's encourage each other and all practitioners in the prisons (including my husband) with Teacher's poem "Don't Be Sad." I hope they can walk out of the den of demons with righteous thoughts soon.
Don't Be Sad
Your body lies in prison -- don't be sorrowful, don't be sad
With righteous thoughts and righteous actions, Fa is here
Calmly reflect on how many attachments you have
As you get rid of human mentality, evil naturally disappears
(HongYin II) (draft translation)