Western Practitioner: Why I Felt Anxious about Reading Articles on the Clearwisdom Website

(Clearwisdom.net) I am often very busy and preoccupied with human matters such as going to work during the day, studying for my exams, being with my family or friends. I sometimes feel that with so many human distractions it is hard to keep in heart and mind the words that I have read while studying the Fa and so put it into practice at all times. I haven't always held myself to the strict requirements of the Fa or diligently made progress in the Fa. I often get lost in the big dye vat of the human world while at work or in other social settings. Master said in "Environment," in Essentials for Further Advancement, Environment:

"I often find that you are in a good state of mind when you study the Fa or do the exercises, but when you come into contact with your work or other people, you become the same as everyday people. You sometimes seem even worse than everyday people. How could this be the conduct of a Dafa Disciple?"

When I come home and sit down at my computer to check my emails, I also often go onto the Clearwisdom website. However, I sometimes feel anxious about this, as if I might find an article that would expose my human attachments and notions. I thought to myself, isn't this my human side and my karma that is afraid of being eliminated? Why should I be anxious about reading the articles? I also thought that maybe my fear could be due to my not doing very well the three things that Master has asked us to do due to my not letting go of my human attachments. I would therefore be able to get over the anxiety by thinking through rationally why I felt the way I did. I would then go on to read some of the experience sharings written by fellow practitioners, which quite often did expose my human attachments and my shortcomings.

Despite my being able to get over the anxiety about these articles, I would still not read the articles detailing the facts of the persecution or what Dafa disciples in China have to suffer and endure. I would think in my mind that I have read articles like these many times and there would be no need for me to read them again as I already knew what terrible things happen. However, I again feel that this is just an excuse to cover up my fear, anxiety and shortcomings.

After reading a sharing from another practitioner on this issue, I decided I should read some of the articles under "Facts of the Persecution". When I did I thought that the reason for my not wanting to read these articles was because I feared that if I were in that kind of situation I would not be able to do well, or be able to endure such harsh conditions, and that I would not meet the required standards. I also felt that it exposed my attachment to comfort and inability to do well even in conditions where we are able to freely study the Fa and do the exercises. I didn't want to think about or face the fact that I might not be doing very well or doing all I can to help eliminate the evil, save sentient beings and help bring the persecution to an end. I feel that we should often read the "Facts of the Persecution" articles to remind ourselves of how rampant the evil in China is, what practitioners in China have to endure and so constantly encourage ourselves to put our heart into doing the three things well to eliminate the evil and save sentient beings.

The above is my understanding at my level. Please point out anything inappropriate.