(Clearwisdom.net) It has been almost ten years since I started to learn Falun Dafa. I did not find my fundamental attachment, however, until today. I feel unworthy of Teacher's benevolence and truly feel that Teacher has worried because of my inability to enlighten.
Teacher knows I firmly believe in him and the Fa and would not waiver. He watches over me with great compassion so that I can improve myself constantly and finally recognize my fundamental attachment. It is only because of my poor enlightenment quality that it took me so long. Now I write about my experience in hopes that it will help some fellow practitioners.
While reciting Zhuan Falun, Teacher helped me to find my fundamental attachment. It was hidden very deeply. One night while sleeping, I dreamed of reciting the Fa. I could not remember the exact content that I was reciting, except that I knew it was about how we should persist no matter how huge our tribulations and that we will eventually pass them. I woke up suddenly from the dream and heard myself saying,
"Some people say: 'While a Tao is one foot tall, a demon would be one yard high.' That is a false statement made by everyday people. A demon will never be higher than a Tao." (Zhuan Falun)
After I woke up, I thought it must be demons wanting to harm me. During the Fa rectification period when practitioners are trying to save sentient beings, I know I should not have huge tribulations. I believe it is because I did not do the three things well that I was in a family tribulation. Although I did not do well, I tried to do better and I didn't allow the evil to persecute me. I immediately sent forth righteous thoughts and asked Teacher to help and rescue me. I will only follow Teacher and will not allow any arrangement or persecution from the old forces! I started to look into myself seriously.
Before I became a practitioner, I did not have much to pursue nor did I care much for fame or fortune. I was kind to others and would rather suffer myself than take advantage of others. But my health was not good and I suffered a lot from sickness and the threat of death, so I developed a notion of "caring too much about life," which is actually "being mortally afraid of death," to put it plainly.
My notion of "caring too much about life" had become a part of me. Before I started to practice Falun Dafa, I was most interested in health care. I had a full drawer of all kinds of medicines and had a big collection of health care article clippings. I had tried many types of qigong to the point of addiction. I started practicing Dafa under such conditions. In the beginning, I really did not feel that I practiced Dafa for any purpose except that it was good. Now I suddenly understood the goodness I felt was already mingled with my fundament attachment of "caring too much about life."
Why did I think Dafa was good? Because cultivation of Buddhahood can enable one to achieve eternal life. Is that not what I looked for in my life? Then did not the notion of "caring too much about life" make me think Dafa is good? This notion had become part of my thoughts and my disposition and I did not realize I came to cultivation with pursuit until now. Since Teacher published "Towards Consummation," I have read and recited it and tried to find my fundamental attachment, as I know this issue is crucial. I did not find my fundamental attachment however, so I thought that I practiced Dafa solely because I felt it was good. Through studying the Fa and reading fellow practitioners' articles on Clearwisdom.net, I understood that the old universe is based on egotism and selfishness, but I still did not find my fundamental attachment. This time through reciting the Fa, Teacher woke me up. I really feel the benefits of reciting the Fa: I can become serene and dissolve into the Fa and can improve faster.
After I found my fundamental attachment, I suddenly understood many things to which I previously had not enlightened. I dreamed about Teacher more than once. In every one of those dreams, I was very excited and very glad upon seeing Teacher, but when I tried to see clearly I then found it was not Teacher at all. I did not fully understand it then, except I knew that I must have some attachments and loopholes so that my strong attachment of consummation overwrote the responsibility a practitioner should take in the Fa rectification period. I still walked the path that the old forces arranged. Every time I sent forth righteous thoughts, I sent the thought that I did not acknowledge the old forces' arrangements, and as a Dafa disciple I did not accept any arrangement other than Teacher's.
However, I did not really look into myself for fundamental attachments.
Once in a dream, Teacher used an exam situation to offer me a hint. A lot of people were walking around and there were always people asking me to do this or that. I did not have time to sit down to finish the exam. When the exam time was almost over, I had only finished one question and became very hasty. When I woke up, I did not really understand the dream and thought it meant that I did not send forth righteous thoughts frequently enough. I did not realize I should look into my own xinxing. Now, finding out my fundamental attachment is like removing blinders, as I can now see my cultivation path clearly.
Many fellow practitioners went to Beijing, to Tiananmen Square, to protest the persecution, and did what they planned - cry out loud "Falun Dafa is good!" or unfold banners and come back home in a dignified manner. I was arrested, however, every time I went to Tiananmen Square. Doesn't my attachment of "being mortally afraid of death" play a role in that?
Compared with those practitioners whose righteous thoughts are strong, I was not clear in my mind at critical moments. I regarded the persecution as humans persecuting humans, so I used human methods to tackle it. Every time, I used the nuances between "exercise" and "practice" to yield to the evil to some degree. But when I backed up a step, the evil stepped forward immediately. At those crucial moments, I could not let go of life and death or step forward from humanness.
My final defense is that I would never say anything bad about Teacher and Dafa. I knew very clearly that I had an attachment of fearing that "both body and soul become extinct," which I think also stems from the attachment of "caring too much about life." The old forces must see this attachment. Now I understood why I enlightened along an evil path. I feared the situation of "both body and soul become extinct" and the terrible retribution if one turned against Teacher and Dafa. The fear was because my understanding of the Fa was at an ordinary people's level instead of truly understanding the magnificent greatness of the Fa as a cultivator. So the evil coerced me into enlightening along an evil path and then made me say bad things about Teacher and Dafa.
I went through a life threatening sickness karma tribulation. It appeared like the symptoms of acute hepatitis. I had internal bleeding and a fever lasting so long that I lost consciousness. I also had jaundice all over my body, which dyed my shirt a yellow color.
Facing the threat of death, I was very clear in my mind and kept strengthening righteous thoughts. At the same time, it was clear to me that I was afraid and did not face death calmly. When I was that close to death, I was not really worried about death itself, but felt sad for myself if I could not finish my cultivation in this lifetime. I think I finally passed this tribulation because I put Dafa in the first place, because when this thought came to my mind, suddenly all sickness symptoms disappeared. I just wanted to have a good sleep. The next day when I woke up, my temperature was back to normal. I truly felt Dafa was miraculous. The experience strengthened my belief in Teacher and Dafa.
Now looking back at this tribulation, I think I did not really let go of the notion of life and death. I merely met the Fa's requirements at different levels. Now I see clearly that I did not discover my fundamental attachment of "caring too much about life." It is a huge loophole of which evil often takes advantage.
How can one reach consummation without letting go of life and death? Teacher says,
"You are people walking the path to godhood, and every single attachment will hinder you." ("New Year's Greetings")
Now I recognize within myself a fundamental attachment, the attachment to life and death. The obstacles on my path are not small. Because of my attachment, I was controlled by the old forces and walked a path they arranged. I not only interrupted my duty of validating the Fa and saving sentient beings, but also brought tribulations to my family and relatives, which made them suffer and slander Dafa.
Now I understand that if a practitioner has attachments which he/she cannot let go, he/she will be controlled by the old forces and walk a path arranged by the old forces. Now I am clear about the path I have taken. I will no longer put my own improvement and consummation in the first place, and I will always put Dafa and saving sentient beings in the first place no matter what. I will always follow Teacher's requirements, and do the three things and walk my path well. Teacher says,
"This instant is precious beyond measure. Completing the last leg of this journey well is what's most magnificent." ("Teaching the Fa in the City of Chicago")
I hope fellow practitioners will take my example as a warning, and find their fundamental attachments by the thoughts that lead them to Dafa and the notions in their disposition. Did you come to Dafa with a single thought of "Returning to the true self?" Or did you come to Dafa because Dafa is good. Then why did you feel Dafa is good? The reason you felt Dafa is good is your purpose. And the purpose may be your attachment.
Please point out any errors.
