(Clearwisdom.net) Ever since I began cultivation in the summer of 1998, I sometimes did well, and sometimes did poorly. I was able to stumble along up to now, yet I have been cultivating amidst my pursuits.
I pursue the removal of my attachments. When my attachment of lust came along, I struggled to suppress it while at the same time dreamed of the day when I would be free of lust. For this I went through lots of detours and cried a lot. The pain while struggling to remove my lust can only be known by me.
I pursued the removal of my attachment to fame and gain. By now I have nothing to speak of in fame and gain. However, I always feel my attachment to fame and gain is still deeply rooted in my heart. I don't care about fame and gain in ordinary people's society, yet I go after fame and gain in the cultivators' world. I don't want people to say that I am not cultivating or doing the three things well. Right now I don't have a lot of money. I seem to have let go of my attachment to personal interests, yet when other people borrow money from me, it really makes me upset. When this happens I find an excuse for myself: I need the money to make truth-clarification materials.
What's worse is that I can't let go of my attachment of showing off and zealotry. Whenever I enlighten to some Fa principles, I like to show off to fellow practitioners.
I am not the most capable person in everyday people's society, yet I am able to handle everything neatly. However, recently it appeared that I couldn't do anything right. I tried to study the Fa more, but my thought karma tried its best to interfere with me. I also felt something was wrapping around me tightly, so I kept telling my fellow practitioners that I needed to adjust my cultivation state.
My fellow practitioners felt it was very strange and they didn't understand why I was always adjusting my state. I thought to myself, "Some people only know to do things. You should all cultivate your xinxing. Even if you have to spend over 10 hours to study the Fa, you should adjust your status first. Otherwise you can't do well in saving sentient beings." Yet I never thought about why my cultivation state wasn't right.
I felt that I didn't have a bit of compassion. Other practitioners clarified the truth for the sake of saving sentient beings, yet I clarified the truth because I feared that I might not be able to reach consummation. Whenever someone persecuted me, I would hate him very much, thinking, "When it's time for you to go hell, you'll understand." Then I realized I shouldn't have such thoughts, so I forced myself to be compassionate. When I saw ordinary people deceived by the evil, I didn't feel sorry for them. Instead I felt annoyed by them, thinking that these people were so stupid.
Moreover, sometimes I felt that I didn't deserve to be a Dafa disciple, but I couldn't figure out why. On the other hand, I knew I had to let go of everything I have in everyday people's society. How can I not be counted as a Dafa disciple? I thought I had endured so much in clarifying the truth, so how could I not be counted as a Dafa disciple in the Fa-rectification period?
Several days ago I met a practitioner. She sat there quietly just like a pool of clear water. I felt that she was so amicable. All my attachments to protect myself went away in front of her. I heard she's saved many people by persuading them to quit the Chinese Communist Party. She told me that other people often feel like she's their family. I shared with her how I felt and she said, "Gain without pursuit. Cultivation is up to you and gong is up to the Master. Let go of all your attachments. Remember Teacher said, 'Beyond emptiness and nothingness, still greater cosmoses appear' ("The Fa Rectifies All" from Hong Yin Volume II)." After listening to her, I seemed to grasp a bit of my problem.
Yesterday I still felt muddleheaded, so I studied the Fa for a whole day, reading five lectures altogether. During the process, I felt there was something in my mind that was broken. Normally I often felt there were two "me's" inside my body. Yet yesterday I felt the two had merged together and become one.
That night I had a dream in which I couldn't cultivate beyond the three realms. The pain was beyond description.
When I woke up the next morning, I still felt painful. Then I realized it was demonic interference. But I was still upset. I kept thinking about my dream. Then I suddenly realized I was completely an everyday person doing cultivation and I was not at all a true cultivator. Cultivation for me was like another way of life. Everyday people seek fame, interest, and sentimentality, for which they can endure some hardships. If they get what they want, they feel happy, otherwise they are sad. Looking at myself, I can endure hardship in my pursuit of high level things. When I get what I want, I feel happy and go around showing off, otherwise I feel sad. As a matter of fact, I was essentially still an everyday person.
My fellow practitioners feel that I don't know how to cultivate even though I've gone through many hardships. I never achieved the inner peace a cultivator should have. My mind is full of all kinds of thoughts, like how I cultivated, whether or not I can achieve consummation, etc.
I now understand I was wrong in how I have been cultivating.
Teacher said in Lecture Two of Zhuan Falun:
"Then why is it we can give it to you with no conditions attached? It’s because you want to be a cultivator, and that thought can’t be bought with any amount of money. It’s your Buddha-nature that has come out, and that’s why we do this.
"You’re always wanting to get things. Are you coming here just for that? My Law Bodies in other dimensions know your every thought, since the concepts of the two space-times are different. Looked at in another dimension, the formation of your thoughts is an extremely slow process, and they know your thoughts even before you think. So you should put a stop to all your wrong thoughts. Buddhists talk about karmic relationship—we’re all what we are because of karmic relationship. So, if you obtain it, then maybe you’re supposed to obtain it. That’s why you should cherish it, and shouldn’t want things."
I feel that every word Teacher said was targeting me. Not until today have I come to understand the issues I should have been clear on at the beginning of my cultivation. Why do I feel that the longer I cultivate, the further I am from the Dao? It is just as Teacher said,
"When some people seek to get the Third Eye, the Third Eye might block itself, and it might seal you off."(Zhuan Falun)
I now know I am sealed off by my attachment of pursuit.
I felt very light after having the realizations listed above. I began to understand,
"Beyond emptiness and nothingness,
still greater cosmoses appear"
("The Fa Rectifies All" from Hong Yin Volume II)
Now I feel that people in society are truly pitiful and I should save them.
The above is just my personal understanding. Please point out anything improper.
