I Must Truly Cultivate Myself Well

(Clearwisdom.net) I held a strong desire to cure my illnesses when I first began practicing Falun Dafa in 1997. However, the deepest attachment hidden in my heart was the trouble with my legs, which had caused me tremendous suffering over the past 30 some years. I thought that if I cultivated myself well, my legs would improve too, and everything would be wonderful. This desire was lodged very deeply in my heart, and even after a year of practicing, I could not let this attachment go.

In 1999, when the persecution of Falun Dafa began, I was essentially not practicing any more and I signed the required promise to "quit practicing." I went back to live the life of an ordinary person without realizing that I was being ruthlessly persecuted.

In 2004, I truly understood what it meant to be a practitioner and I practiced diligently for one year. I still couldn’t overcome my deepest attachment, which had persisted since I first became a practitioner. I thought that I had suffered so much over the years, and I continued to find excuses to ignore it. Although I didn’t acknowledge this tribulation and tried to cultivate, do the three things well, and focus on saving sentient beings, my heart was often troubled by this attachment.

I tried to analyze my situation: my finances were fairly good and it didn't bother me when I had to face a little financial loss. At work and at home, I arrogantly regarded myself as someone who was above fame and personal gain. I had these thoughts exactly because I was afraid of losing fame and personal profit. In my effort to maintain balanced relationships, I artificially maintained a harmonious environment because I was afraid of controversy. I feared the exposure of my attachment. Other people envied my high standard of living but I didn’t think much of it because a practitioner should regard this as unimportant. I was so calm about it only because I knew I was already financially secure.

I was confused, and was afraid of exposing my attachment. I no longer had the strength to face my attachment. For the first time I saw in other dimensions some dark and filthy matter amidst grimy and rusted things. No matter how many dark attachments and desires I harbor, I must lose all of them in the human world, walk the Fa-rectification path arranged by our Teacher and unconditionally assimilate to the Fa.