(Clearwisdom.net)
Greetings Master! Greetings fellow practitioners!
I would like to share some recent experiences in my cultivation.
During my cultivation, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I have had to combine looking after my family, studying and bringing up two children.
Just over a year ago, I was pregnant with my second child. During this pregnancy, I had a lot of tribulations, most of which came in the form of sickness karma. I suffered for over 5 months from constant severe "cold-like" symptoms. Due to a lack of righteous thoughts, I was passively enduring it, without much effort to change the situation. In the end, things had gotten worse and I had other complications, which made it very difficult for me to even walk. I was, most of the time, confined to the house. I was lacking the environment of my fellow practitioners and was drifting further away from Dafa, immersing myself in worldly worries.
As the new baby arrived, broken nights followed, and with a lack of adequate Fa study, I was finding it even more difficult to cope with my situation. My conduct was that of an ordinary human, and most of the time I would fail to act in accordance with the principles of the Fa. This would be immediately reflected in my family environment. My daughter's behaviour became very challenging and trying, and every time she would confront me, or shout and slap me - I would light up like a match and respond with the same measures - shouting back at her, telling her off and even smacking her. I was always blaming her for such appalling behaviour, failing to look inside and find the cause of why she acts like this. It even came to a point when I thought that my children came here to interfere with my Dafa work. Very often I would just cry helplessly, feeling guilt and remorse for myself, and for all the sentient beings that I was letting down by cultivating myself so poorly. I was feeling I wasn't worthy to be a Dafa practitioner and was becoming more and more depressed. What I failed to realise was that this kind of thinking and behaving was arranged by the old forces. I gave them plenty of opportunities to exploit my loopholes.
Around that time, my daughter started to have nightmares and very often would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. When I asked what was wrong, she said that a red dragon was chasing her in her dreams. I didn't pay too much attention to it in the beginning, but I shared it with a fellow practitioner. She suggested I read the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party to her, which to my shame, at that time I hadn't even finished reading myself. Although I was born and brought up in Russia and was at one point a member of the communist young pioneers - I struggled somewhat to relate myself to the Nine Commentaries. Nonetheless, I realised that it was time for me to finish reading the Nine Commentaries. I sat down next to my daughter when she was playing and started to read. She didn't pay much attention, but after about five minutes, she suddenly got up and ran off. She opened the door to the garden and started to shout very loudly, "Out dragon, out!" She looked very determined and very brave. She shouted for about 5 minutes. After that, she closed the door and stated, "It's gone now."
I continued to read the Nine Commentaries with her and after about a day or two my skin became very itchy. My initial thought was -- I gave the old forces an opportunity to persecute me because I was too attached to my appearance and was still using beauty creams. So I decided to ignore this. However, some wicked thoughts crept into my mind and I was more and more looking at this tribulation from the stand point of an ordinary human. As a result, my condition worsened. My rash was becoming worse and worse, my face and neck turning red and really itchy. My husband was becoming increasingly concerned about me and insisted that I take some anti-allergy tablets, and I gave in. As soon as I started taking those tablets my "allergy" became even worse. By giving in and taking the tablets I unknowingly accepted the old forces' arrangements and agreed that I have an allergy, although I continued to say to myself, "I deny the old forces' arrangements." Eventually, my face, ears and neck became very inflamed and itchy, and gradually swelled to an extent, that it looked like a giant tomato. In my mind, I continued to repeat, "No, I absolutely deny the old forces' arrangements" but at the same time I was looking at the mirror and thinking, "Oh no, now even my ears swelled up!" Therefore I was fooling myself. Finally, my husband took me to see a doctor and I was given some strong medicine to reduce the swelling. At that point, I was no longer able to maintain any kind of righteous thoughts and became really scared of what might happen to me. I asked fellow practitioners to help me with their righteous thoughts. That night, a fellow practitioner called me to find out how I was. I told her about my situation. She suggested that I continue to read the Nine Commentaries. I agreed and read to my daughter for an hour before she went to sleep. After that, I looked at the mirror and saw that all the redness from my face came down to my nose. My face, although still swollen and itchy, looked a lot better. I continued to read.
Master said in Lecture Six of Zhuan Falun,
"As true practitioners, we should look at issues from a very high level instead of from the perspective of everyday people. Should you believe that you are ill, this may really cause you to become ill. This is because once you assume that you are ill, your xinxing level will be as high as that of everyday people."
This tribulation was like a "stick wake up" to me. I realised how serious cultivation is, and that I no longer can take Master's boundless compassion for granted. I have to wake up, and become really responsible to myself and to all sentient beings whose salvation depends on me. It taught me a lesson that cultivation is really about controlling every single thought and that whether you have righteous thoughts or human thoughts determines who you are - an ordinary human or an "Awakened Ones that walk the earth." ("Congratulatory Message")
I also realised that my fundamental problem was not believing in Master. I have been cultivating for a few years now, and yet I could get easily misled by these human eyes into thinking that I might have human illness symptoms.
Another episode helped me to see my problem. For the best part of my life I had suffered from anaemia. I never had much energy and always felt lethargic. I got used to it and never really thought about it since I started to cultivate in Dafa.
However, during my pregnancy doctors found out that my iron level was extremely low, and they reacted overly concerned about it. This made me think -- Why after so many years do I still have anaemia? Master told us that He would purify our bodies and we would have a lot of energy. Yet, I was not feeling any different from before I started cultivating. I would still feel very tired and lacking energy.
Not long ago I became engaged in a project, which had strict deadlines. Due to my family commitments, I wasn't able to do much during the day, so I had to work at night until the early hours in the morning. I would only have 3-4 hours sleep but I would feel more energetic, as if I had 8 hours of sleep. Finally, I came to realise- I am not an ordinary human being. So how can I, a Dafa disciple, not have the energy to even do the 3 things? It is absolutely not possible! My Master has arranged my cultivation way, so I must have all the necessary skills and all the energy to assist Him in the Fa rectification and to do the things I am supposed to do. Why had I been feeling tired for so long? Because I accepted this human notion in my mind. But I had been evaluating things from an ordinary person's standpoint and was stubbornly following a human mentality. As soon as I changed my way of thinking, I could see the divine power of Dafa at work.
From that moment on, I decided that I will strengthen my righteous thoughts, would truly and wholeheartedly believe my Master and nothing will stop me. Since then, I would spend night hours to do my work for the Russian Epoch Times and study the Fa, and do whatever I should do as a good mother and a good wife during the day.
It has not been easy, and a lot of human notions would still come up very often, such as wanting more sleep, more rest, and wishing my cultivation way would not be so hard. Sometimes I feel like I am not able to carry on any more. At such times I will always recite Master's words:
"Great enlightened beings fear no hardship
Their will is cast of diamond
Life or death, they have no attachment
Forthright and broad-minded on the road of Fa-rectification"("Righteous Thought, Righteous Action" in Hong Yin Vol. II)
The more determined I am, the more I feel Master's help. My children are my little fellow practitioners. Their mission is to assist me in my cultivation. My daughter insists that I read the Fa to her every night before she goes to sleep. And every time I take her to our Fa-spreading activities, she insists on giving out flyers herself.
Master would very often encourage me when I have righteous thoughts. Not long ago I had a dream: I was chased by an evil being with an iron mask-like face, which was turning everything into stone on its way. At first, I was trying to run away but it soon caught up with me. Then I turned to it and said that it would not frighten me because I am a disciple of my Master and I am not at all afraid of it. I then eliminated it. Immediately, someone shouted that my Father came. I saw Master, as he hurried towards me. He hugged me tenderly, asking if I was okay. The look on His face was like He was deeply pained by the fact that someone tried to hurt His child. When I woke up, I could not stop crying. I think we can't even begin to imagine what our benevolent Master is bearing for us. He really treats every disciple like His child, protecting and taking care of us every minute. I will never be able to express my gratitude for Master saving me and giving me such a magnificent honor -- to be Master's disciple.
Dear fellow practitioners, let us all strengthen our righteous thoughts and righteous action and fulfill our promises of assisting our benevolent Master in Fa Rectification and saving all sentient beings. Let's never forget that:
"When disciples have ample righteous thoughts
Master has the power to turn back the tide"
("The Master-Disciple Bond" in Hong Yin Vol. II)
Thank you, fellow practitioners,
Heshi to Master
