Relinquishing My Attachment to Lust
(Clearwisdom.net) I have felt too ashamed to speak about this matter before, but since Teacher has given me some hints that I should write it down, I would like to share my experiences, as they might help other practitioners.
It started last summer. I met a handsome and talented man. Gradually, we got to know each other better, and we did things we should not have done - we formed a sexual relationship. At that time, I felt as if I was watching someone else doing this. The relationship lasted for a few months. Every time, I could not control myself and gave in to the feelings of lust, yet I felt extremely regretful afterwards. The reason for this happening was that I never really relinquished my attachment to lust. The evil utilized it and expanded it. Because I lacked strong righteous thoughts in this regard, I did not notice it soon enough.
Historically, in both the Buddhist and the Daoist schools, the issue of lust has been emphasized. Once a practitioner makes a mistake in this regard, he or she cannot practice cultivation any longer. Now, I know the seriousness of the matter - after I committed the sin, I directly fell into hell. I often felt extremely frightened in my dreams, feeling that my soul was falling rapidly into hell. Each time, after I woke up, I sat there in a stupor. Later on, when I was walking outside I saw many ghosts of various kinds around me. I was often scared and covered in a cold sweat.
Because I could not relinquish the attachment, and I could not study the Fa at all, I remained in this state for some time. Possibly because I remained in this state, and I could not enlighten to the truth of the matter for so long, Teacher's Law Body arranged it so that I would see a paragraph in my roommate's book: "One came to hell and walked on a bridge. When the person looked down from the bridge, they found the water was red like blood. There were a lot of snakes in the river and also some men and women who were being bitten by the snakes. At that time someone else told the person that those men and women were people who had sinned by giving in to lust." After reading that, I realized that if I continued to behave improperly, then I would end up in that terrifying place.
Right away, I ended my relationship with the man. When I saw Teacher's words saying that practitioners who sinned in this regard should tell their sins to other practitioners, I told my story to a very diligent female practitioner I knew. She told me not to cry and that I should do well and no longer commit the sin. She also said that if I committed the sin again, there would be no chance for me, yet I still had a chance if I started to change right away.
One time, I saw Teacher standing in front of me, his body was covered with wounds: all the injuries were on him because of my sins. I could only pour out my regret, shame, and gratefulness through my tears.
I began to study the Fa and clarify the truth again, yet the demon of lust interfered with me fiercely. I met another man on the Internet, and I started to lose control of my thoughts. Although this time I did not commit any sin physically, I still felt like I was falling down. It was very difficult for me to break away from the attachment. One time, when I was in a lot of pain, I went on my knees and begged Teacher, "Teacher, please help me again, help me to stand up. I cannot stand up by myself." I called my practitioner friend again and ask her to help me. She contacted many practitioners to help me eliminate the demon of lust. On the same night, I saw Teacher watching me. He extended his left hand and with barely any effort, he pulled me up.
Right after that, I started studying the Fa intensively, and I could tell that I was elevating very rapidly. But after a while, I felt like I was back in hell again. Although I was very sad, I did not stop my Fa study, and again I ascended out of hell. This process was repeated numerous times. Sometimes I experienced the process many times a day. Sometimes the process took two days. Later on, I realized that because of my dirty deeds, all the sentient beings in my worlds also fell into hell.
I cried. Later, when I sent forth righteous thoughts, I added, "eliminate the demon of lust." Now, I have completely recovered. Some time ago, a man around me told me that he liked me and that I looked so beautiful to him, and things like that. He wanted to have a relationship with me outside my marriage. I told him that it was impossible and that I considered my marriage to be sacred. I said the words very rationally. By that time, I already knew that marriage was indeed very solemn.
However, once I was badly interfered by lust. All the bad thoughts that I previously had resurfaced, and I could not calm down my mind at all. Finally, after studying the Fa, the interference went away. I realized again that my world has flaws in this regard. I am repairing it and harmonizing it.
I have encountered the demon of lust in my dreams about five times since then. I failed once and passed the other times. Upon failing the test, I never dared to treat the issue casually like before. I studied the Fa and seriously eliminated the bad thoughts. I noticed several times that the attachment of lust exists everywhere between the particles of my body, but it is not inside the particles. When I focused diligently to eliminate it, it then separated from the particles of my being and I could finally eliminate it completely from inside my body.
I remember one time, right after I recovered from the terrible experience, I had a dream at night. In the dream, I ate a pile of feces and then defecated in the restroom. An ugly object also came out of my body and fell into the toilet. I realized that the sin of lust is dirtier than feces.
Now I feel great. I hope my experiences can help those practitioners who don't take the issue seriously when they fail tests of lust in their dreams. The evil utilizes any weakness we have and drags us toward hell. For those who are still committing sins, you are actually in hell right now. If Teacher lets go of your hand, you will have lost the chance to cultivate forever. Also, there are fewer and fewer chances now.
I am currently doing well in every way. I hope that practitioners who have committed similar sins will not treat the matter as an insurmountable burden. Just focus on the problem, act responsibly, and catch up.
Sometimes I see myself climbing a ladder. When I look down, I cannot see the end, but when I look up, there are only a few steps remaining. At other times I see myself walking on a very narrow path. On both sides of the path there are cliffs that lead down, but there is a broad landscape not too far in front of me. Other times, I see myself walking towards my home. I can clearly see the threshold of the door just a few steps away.
The preceding is my personal experience. I think I should not let my attachment to shame prevent me from sharing the experiences. Hopefully, what I have gone through can wake up those practitioners who are in dangerous situations and cannot break away from the attachment to lust.