(Clearwisdom.net) For a very long time, I had had great difficulty letting go of some of my most fundamental notions. Although I clearly knew that they were attachments, I could not relinquish them. After studying Master's article "Mature," I felt that I should no longer make excuses to justify my laziness. By writing down a part of what I have experienced, I hope that others can take it as a reference.
My husband and I have practiced Falun Dafa for over six years. We try hard to follow Master's words and let go of our attachments. We also try our best to use high standards to measure ourselves. However, with the passage of time as well as with our daily existence in society, we unknowingly slacked off in cultivation. The evil exploited our gaps before we were even aware of it.
In recent months, my husband has been required to work overtime. The heavy workload of 12 to 14 hours a day made him very tired. He became sleepy whenever he read a Dafa book and became muddleheaded whenever he sent forth righteous thoughts. Although he could manage to finish the standing exercises, he fell asleep while doing the meditation.
At first, we both sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the interference, but the effect was not very good. The situation did not change. So what were the fundamental attachments?
My child, mother-in-law and father-in-law are also Dafa practitioners. When my husband's parents were with us, we were able to encourage and help each other and improve. Eventually, however, they moved away, so only three of us live together. My child goes to school and I go to work, where people pursue fame, money and vanity. I started to be particular about my clothing and appearance. I felt that the basic necessities that I had were inferior to others.
It took quite a while for me to have a day off from work. However, I did not use the free time to study the Fa, and instead, found excuses to justify my giving in to attachments - going out shopping, taking a walk, or relaxing. Actually, only Fa study allowed me to truly relax. I knew in my heart that I should not spend time this way, but I could not control myself. Furthermore, the evil elements, by aggravating and enlarging my attachments, also made me knowingly do the wrong things.
At that time, things in my home started to leak. After one was fixed, another started. I realized that Master was worried about the two of us and he was giving us hints. Later my affection toward my husband as well as my lust also became increasingly worse. My husband, after starting cultivation, had corrected much of his bad temper. He had also abandoned his bad habits. So he appeared as if he were totally reborn. In my mind, a good husband was always one who has a high moral character. In the past, for being unable to find such a good husband, I had felt pain and regret. As my husband had become so good, my affection toward him naturally came out. This notion, namely, wanting to find a good husband who cared about me and looked after me, and have a good life in ordinary society, was indeed my fundamental attachment. I realized that it was "qing," something that a cultivator needs to give up, because what we Dafa practitioners cultivate is something that is even more noble, pure, and profound. Still, I was reluctant to let it go.
My husband's physical body was badly affected. He felt very weak, had headaches, was muddleheaded, and could not continue his work, so he had to take a week off. At that time, I had thought that this was evil persecuting him. He had concrete attachments, and so did I, but my condition was not as bad as his. As a result, I had not realized the severity of the issue, so I did not make myself wake up.
One day in October, I came back from clarifying the truth to a colleague. When I sat down, I heard a creaking noise, and my back was twisted. Immediately after that, I felt a very sharp pain. Mixed with the pain was sudden fear, and I could not make myself rational. I thought, "I am ruined. My back cannot move anymore." Although I was still vaguely reciting the formulas for sending forth the righteous thoughts, the pain was beyond what I could tolerate. Later my colleague helped me correct the dislocation in my back. However, because the pain was unbearable, I went back home.
From this incident, I came to understand that I should have never accumulated my loopholes to a level that was beyond my control. It was at the time when the evil had exploited my gap that I started to realize that I should have given up these attachments a long time ago. Having genuine righteous thoughts does not just mean sending forth the righteous thoughts; it means always diligently cultivating oneself and always keeping oneself in the Fa. In this way, one's righteous thoughts will be almighty and shine everywhere, and the evil elements, upon seeing this, will be frightened and dissolved.
In our region, a practitioner whose workplace wanted all the workers to work overtime sent forth the righteous thought, "I do not care about the money. My free time is for studying the Fa and saving sentient beings." Sure enough, the plan to work overtime was abandoned. His colleagues all felt strange about it. "We have all prepared. How come we no longer need to work overtime?" I realized that the ineffectiveness of our righteous thoughts was because our minds were impure. That practitioner used his free time to save people, while we used the time to do personal things, so the old forces, of course, had the excuse to persecute us. When I dug into what had caused my back to hurt, I felt it quite frightening! The warped notions that I have not yet eliminated are bombs that can explode at any time.
It appears very simple as I described it above, but when I recall it, I still feel frightened. At home, I lie on the bed and re-examine myself to see what has been exploited. Besides my attachments to fame, money, vanity and lust, what was more serious was that I had not put salvation of sentient beings as my priority. I have not clarified the truth to those in my workplace, as I was too worried about my personal safety. I have not been truly able to believe in Master and the Fa. If at that instant I had had the thought of "no problem," probably nothing would have happened to me. However, having such a thought requires a solid cultivation foundation. I realize that the foundation of my cultivation is really far from being solid, and I should wake up.
December 3, 2005
