(Clearwisdom.net) I am a local area coordinator. I believe our local practitioners have done quite well during the past three years, in cooperating as a whole body, clarifying the truth and saving people. We successfully rescued fellow practitioners, exposed the evil persecution, set up many small truth-clarifying materials production centers and recently advised many people to withdraw from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). I feel that we coordinated and followed Master's Fa-rectification process well.
About a month ago, I heard some very embarrassing rumors about myself. Initially, I did not pay attention to it and my heart was not moved at all. Later, I started looking inward to determine what attachment of mine could have caused such rumors. Do I have the attachment of validating myself? After a while, I decided I did not have that attachment. I always coordinated well with other coordinators for any work I did, and I did everything for us to improve as a whole body and for people to understand the truth about Dafa. I wrote articles for the Clearwisdom website and Clearwisdom Weekly. I also edited some pamphlets for Clearwisdom, which were accepted by the website. I did not boast or tell other fellow practitioners about them, as I thought these were all my responsibility as a Dafa practitioner and that all my wisdom was from Master. I thought I did everything based on the Fa and was being responsible to the Fa. After studying the Fa and considering my situation, I denied that I had any attachment of validating myself.
Yet I kept hearing rumors about myself. Many fellow practitioners that were close to me also heard them and felt uneasy about them. However, I was not moved. Thinking as a cultivator, I should not be moved by negative factors. I must keep my xinxing high. Was it because I did not study the Fa well these days? The answer was no, I studied at least one to two lectures each day. Was is because I did not do enough exercises and send forth righteous thoughts? The answer was again no. I sent forth righteous thoughts at least eight times a day and also did exercises every day. I also discarded all books and other items related to the CCP's evil specter. What was the reason for these rumors? I felt frustrated.
One morning several days ago, a fellow practitioner came to see me and said that a particular person was spreading rumors about me. They said that I deserved my financial difficulties (my family was poor financially) as I had wasted money contributed by fellow practitioners. My fellow practitioner was very angry about the rumors. This time, my heart was moved. I thought to myself that I have never wasted any money belonging to fellow practitioners. I spent every penny on Dafa materials. I always made sure to use my own money for the bus or taxi. Master and heaven are my witnesses.
Soon I calmed down and told myself that I must have a big omission somewhere to cause all this, and I must look deeply within myself to find it. The fellow practitioner who visited me tried to reassure me by saying, "The others do not know you, but I know you. I hope you do not take these rumors to heart."
After the fellow practitioner left, I went to another practitioner's place to get help repairing a copy machine. Later I went to see my aunt, who is also a practitioner. My aunt asked me to stay for lunch and for sending forth righteous thoughts. I told my aunt about the rumors. My aunt said, "You are a coordinator. Others may not know many details about what you do. Fellow practitioners are all cultivators at different levels and they may have attachments. Don't worry about the rumor, just do what you should do, Master knows everything." Yet I was not satisfied and felt that I had not found the key to the whole issue.
In the afternoon, my uncle came in the room and saw my aunt and me talking, but did not know what we were discussing. He sat down on the sofa and said that as cultivators we should not always consider ourselves, we should consider more about the whole body of practitioners. When we do everything truly from Fa's standpoint, everything should be peaceful.
Uncle said all these easily. It seemed that Master was reminding me through my uncle's mouth. All of a sudden, I realized that my problem was that I was always attached to my self-esteem. I always thought my ideas were the best. I felt relieved and I smiled.
I was always a careful and a sensitive person, and I rarely made mistakes. When printing, I wasted the least amount of paper. When learning to repair a copier, I learned it the first time. When distributing truth-clarifying materials, I thought my plan was the best. Even at home, compared to my wife, who is also a practitioner, I cook better, I was better at laundry, cleaning, etc. I was the best and I thought everyone should follow my ideas.
When doing Dafa work, although I was coordinating with other fellow practitioners, I tended to use my own ideas. I liked to advise fellow practitioners about things I had enlightened to, thinking that I obtained the Fa earlier, I have higher education and I study the Fa more. I liked to encourage fellow practitioners to accept my thoughts. When fellow practitioners did not do well, I wanted them to achieve my standard. When fellow practitioners were arrested, I would say, "See, they did not listen to me. Now they have to rely on me to rescue them by posting banners to expose the evil and writing letters to people." It was true that several times we succeeded by using my ideas, and fellow practitioners acknowledged that too. As a result, I copied my way of doing things in ordinary life to Dafa and did not see my human notions and attachments. I never realized that this was the impact of the CCP's culture, an extension of "the CCP is always correct." I had not realized this even after cultivating for so many years, after being a coordinator for so long, and after doing much Dafa work.
I finally found my problem and felt my capability increase, my coordination with fellow practitioners was more harmonious, and I could truly respect fellow practitioners. I looked down on my wife before, often picked on her mistakes and even argued with her. Fellow practitioners had suggested that I be nice to her and I realized it was my problem. I never had really improved before. Now, I finally could respect her with tolerance and understanding. I could calmly listen to fellow practitioners' opinions and better coordinate Dafa work with them as a whole body.
September 5, 2005
