(Clearwisdom.net) I've been practicing Falun Gong for ten years. When I did the sitting meditation on the morning of August 2, 2004, I was suddenly overcome by a fit of dizziness. I had to lie down, and woke my daughter up to have her stabilize me. At that moment, I realized that I should eliminate the factors that were causing this by sending forth righteous thoughts. My daughter had the same idea.
During the following two days, I was very nauseated and couldn't open my eyes. Whenever I moved my eyes, even a little bit, I felt like everything was collapsing and I could not move my head or neck. Lying on the bed, I was not even able to control my bodily functions. In this condition, my daughter and I read the lectures in Zhuan Falun in the morning and afternoon every day. My daughter and another fellow practitioner sent forth righteous thoughts to help me eliminate the evil factors. Slowly, I was able to move around by holding onto the furniture in the room, but was still unable to turn my head and neck.
The following three months were very difficult for me. As soon as I could walk and take care of myself, insomnia, tinnitus and hearing problems plagued me so badly that I felt my distress had reached the extreme. This kind of tinnitus was not the usual type, because sometimes my head was filled with a roaring sound when I was lying down or sitting. I could not even hold Zhuan Falun in my hands. The more I sent forth righteous thoughts, the louder the roar became. When I did the exercises, I had to open my eyes, because I could not achieve a tranquil mind. I was in a daze all day long, and felt as if my neck was incapable of supporting my head. Out of an attachment to fear, I dared not read Clearwisdom articles or listen to the stories about interference that fellow practitioners had suffered. Sometimes, I did the moving exercises around 2 o'clock in the morning. Once my cultivation slowed down, I felt that my righteous thoughts were dwindling, and then almost no righteous thoughts were left. I couldn't remember the Fa that I read because my memory was deteriorating. I longed for righteous thoughts, but I didn't have them. I wanted to listen to my fellow practitioners' experience sharing, but I couldn't remember what they said. Being worried in my distress that I would make them feel annoyed, I asked them, "Please treat me as a first grade pupil and speak slowly, so I can remember what you say."
Without a clear understanding of the principles of completely denying the old forces, I was at a loss and felt my ability falling short of my wishes as I suffered bitterly from the interference.
Yielding under pressure from my family members who did not practice, I received an infusion at my brother's home. At that moment, I knew I did not have a disease, but a lack of righteous thoughts. I hoped it might provide temporary relief and help me break through this after studying the Fa more diligently. But it didn't help.
Seeing my situation, some fellow practitioners persuaded me to get rid of the concept of disease as defined by ordinary people and to have a mind that will "See as if see not" and "Hear as if hear not" (from "In the Dao" in Hongyin; provisional translation). They asked me, "Could you begin right now?" Their compassion moved me, so I replied,"Yes!" Since then, when my relatives or friends talked to me about my condition over the phone, I understood it was the old force's factors making use of everyday peoples' minds and mouths to cause me to accept their ideas. Because I rejected what they said, I received fewer of such phone calls.
Being tortured by these conditions for quite a while, I developed attachments again and was unable to take lightly what was happening. I didn't understand my situation based on the Fa and that it had manifested this way to help me enlighten to my problem. One morning, when I awoke, I felt so weak that I didn't want to get up, and then realized it wouldn't be right if I fell asleep like this. Wouldn't that be what the old force's factors wanted? They tried to make me give up and die, but I needed to live. What Teacher arranges for us is to cultivate in daily life.
I got up immediately. I had been suffering from this distress for over three months, during which I had enlightened to many of my problems. Teacher tells us to do the three things well, but I had gone to extremes for a while without paying enough attention to studying the Fa, doing the exercises and sending forth righteous thoughts. Living on a tight budget, I started to be attached to sentimentality again. My attachments to showing off and joyfulness popped up again when I shared my experience of validating the Fa and saving people with my fellow practitioners. Instead of validating the Fa, I was validating myself. Sometimes my understanding was based more on human things than on the Fa. While under close watch and monitoring by local authorities, I felt the persecution was very serious, although I was not sent to a forced labor camp. Days wore on like years, and I developed an attachment to seeking an easy life, which made me slow down in my course of cultivation. When I came across problems, I didn't cultivate or look inward. Eventually, the sickness karma appeared, but I used medicine to restrain it, making one mistake after another.
I thought it over. Where did those attachments come from? What was the root cause? One day, I suddenly realized it was because for a long time I hadn't removed my fundamental attachment to being an everyday person. I didn't take cultivation or its principles seriously. Once I discovered my problem, I thought that I should rectify myself according to the principles of "Truth, Compassion and Forbearance" and be assimilated to the new cosmos by being a righteous, enlightened and selfless being.
Now, everyday I study the Fa with a fellow practitioner who helps me send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the evil factors. I am getting over my problems and my mind is becoming clear. A week ago, when I tried to write down this experience, the interference was so fierce that my ears were filled with a constant roar. During the past two days, I saw the evil factors and several hideous beings looking at me with their sinister smiles. Today, I finished writing in a single stretch so as to eliminate the old force's intention as well as those evil factors and rotten demons.
This is a powerful lesson for me. What happened made me suffer from distress that is beyond description. It cost me precious time that could have been used in Fa rectification. It caused a large loss and might have caused a negative effect to Falun Dafa.
I understand that cultivation is serious. We can study the Fa and do the correct things, but if the heart does not change its nature, it is only a superficial form and not genuine cultivation. It is the highest honor and the greatest fortune that I can follow Teacher to cultivate in the course of the Fa rectification. However, the road is truly narrow. With an everyday person's heart and a little self indulgence, one will leave an opportunity for evil factors to do damage.
November 28, 2004
